Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
There follow some entries from a dictionary of the future:
- dolt n. – a stupid, slow-witted person; a California legislator.
half-wit n. – a stupid or silly person; a California legislator.
idiot n. – a very foolish or stupid person; a California legislator.
imbecile n. – a very foolish or stupid person; a California legislator.
moron n. – a very foolish or stupid person; a California legislator.
Debate has been heated, but arguments in the Golden State's capital over which legislator is most mentally challenged finally focused on state Sens. Darrell Steinberg and Robert Dutton.
The majority went for Dutton under the reasoning that as a Republican he should have known better than to join Steinberg in sponsoring legislation to give $500 to each and every child born in California.
Still, discussion was contentious, and Steinberg lent ammunition to his advocates by calling the gift "the essence of equal opportunity" and unburdening himself of such gems as, "Every child, every person ought to get a head start."
However, Dutton prevailed, in part by dipping into the "Treasury of American Clich?s." He had his spokesman call the gift "a hand up, not a handout" and "an investment in the child's future."
The bill's text compares the giveaway to the Homestead Act and the GI Bill, and injects an element of class envy by implying such measures have been essentially unfair. Most of their beneficiaries, you see, have annual family incomes of more than $50,000.
It goes on to insult low-income families by saying even poor people can learn to save.
All they have to do, says Steinberg, is sock away $600 a year and their initial $500 will grow to $17,500 in 18 years – assuming they can realize compounded annual interest of 5 percent. The latter may be difficult to do, because the 500 bucks will have to stay in a state-administered program, and we all know how efficient the state can be in handling money.
To be precise, Steinberg ought to have said, "Every child, every person ought to get a head start provided by the state through the redistribution of private wealth."
This redistribution would cost about $285 million yearly. That expenditure would rise once our neighbors south of the border learned there was an additional inducement – over and above medical services, education and U.S. citizenship – to deliver their babies in California.
Although Dutton copped the Idiot Award, Steinberg strove manfully to win it. While the Democrat came up short, he did gain the Stating the Obvious trophy by declaring, "There's no question these are significant dollars, but look: We spend so much more on things that don't have nearly as much significant value."
Dutton generously tried to throw the contest to his Democrat colleague by dropping his sponsorship, but he unwittingly strengthened his own case by citing the need for fiscal responsibility rather than the need for legislative intelligence.
He said, "Republicans in the Legislature should be thinking creatively about how to return more tax money to hard-working Californians." In this case, the idea of not taking that money in the first place clearly didn't occur to him.
Steinberg made a last-ditch attempt to unseat Dutton, drawing close to a tie by calling opposition to the bill "xenophobia." Ultimately, however, he couldn't top Dutton's assertion that the bill had "conservative roots."
The Republican seems to have a firm grasp on the prize, but remember: This is California, and the legislative season still is young.
Democrats initially were pleased with the perjury/obstruction of justice conviction of Lewis "Scooter" Libby.
Then Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald spoiled their party by saying, "Any lie under oath is serious."
This created serious problems for Bill Clinton apologists. They would have liked it better if Fitzpatrick had said, "Any lie under oath is serious unless it's about private, sexual behavior by the president of the United States."
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