10 things I don't understand

1. Why do Americans love to elect liars?

When President Nixon was being trashed for his lapses in forthrightness in 1974, young Bill Clinton was running for Congress. He staked out his moral high ground in a speech, saying, "If a president of the United States ever lied to the American people, he should resign." Then in 1998, he firmly declared, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

This class act was preceded in 1978 and 1979 by Clinton's ingenious wife, who in 10 months turned $1,000 into almost $100,000 by studiously applying the cattle futures trading advice in the Wall Street Journal, she calmly explained.

Will somebody tell me what page of the Journal carries futures trading advice, especially for novices?

2. Where are all those missing links?

The liberal media keep reminding us that only hillbillies and mindless religious fanatics deny evolution. Of course, polls keep showing that at least two-thirds of us still suspect God had something to do with the process, so there must be a lot of us hillbillies out there.

Now, microevolution is easy to accept. Those little disease bugs keep outsmarting every vaccine we throw at them. Apparently they've all read their Nietzsche: "That which does not kill me makes me stronger."

But macroevolution, where one species morphs into another, is harder to swallow. It relies heavily on the existence of missing links – not a rare specimen or two, but hundreds of thousands of them. The hillsides should be strewn with the remains of millions of transitional life forms. Alas, our stalwart Darwinists have come up short in that department. It takes a monumental leap of dopey faith to get from protozoa to fish to Jessica Alba. Last I checked, the missing link count was hovering around zero.

3. Where are the fatwas on Osama?

All those peace-loving Muslims we hear about must be hiding under rocks. Otherwise, they would have taken the proper steps to clean up their global image by issuing a death sentence for every terrorist on the planet. Hey, guys, I'm waiting.

4. Where are the showcase success stories for multiculturalism?

Now that the "Christian soldiers" in Northern Ireland are making nice, peace must have fallen upon the entire world, right? Brotherly love and cultural enrichment must be the new lifestyle of every nation that has a mix of disparate populations with varying cultures, right?

Well, maybe not. The exact reason any culture remains distinct over time is that it has been strong enough to resist assimilation or conquest by its neighbors. I've been to dozens of countries, and everywhere I go, I see attempts at mixing cultures producing conflict, not greater good will.

My conclusion: Multiculturalism is a code word for the hazy idea that American culture is responsible for most of the evil in the world and must be replaced by a relentless infusion of foreign values until it collapses. Apart from that, it's an oxymoron.

5. Why hasn't homosexuality been exposed for the horror it is?

If I were to invent a street drug that:

Shortens the life of its average addict by 20 years
Compels the typical addict to have sex with hundreds of total strangers (I've heard the number 550 – still checking it out)
Spreads a horrible disease that kills 30 million people

... I would shoot past Osama bin Laden and go to the No. 1 spot on the list of World's Worst Enemies.

6. Why don't the media tell the truth about global warming?

Sure, the Earth is getting a bit warmer in recent years, but it's a cyclical thing. Greenhouse gases, perhaps a main culprit behind all this, are not manmade. Depending on whether or not you include water vapor in the mix, manmade stuff comprises an insignificant 0.28 percent of all greenhouse gases. The Kyoto Protocol is nonsense.

7. Why won't the media face abortion?

With all the juicy gore on TV, including hundreds of thousands of dramatic murders, why have they never shown even one abortion? And why have all those brilliant social analysts never made the obvious connection between the looming collapse of Social Security and the deaths of 45 million little would-be taxpayers during the 34 years since Roe vs. Wade?

8. Why aren't resurrections from the dead noteworthy?

In "Megashift," I've painstakingly documented cases of stone cold dead people coming back to life – through the name of Jesus Christ – in 52 countries in recent years. I even included names, phone numbers, e-mail addresses and a few photos. Hey guys, what more do you want?

9. Why haven't academics discovered that the world is very rapidly becoming all-Christian?

Again in "Megashift," I've done the math. Jesus is winning, Muhammad is losing (along with atheism, Buddhism and Hinduism). Although straight-line projections NEVER go in a straight line, the entire population of the world would be born-again Christians, under current trends, by 2032. Isn't that worth a line in the newspapers somewhere?

And finally, the most vexing puzzle of all:

10. How come there's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over?