Hotel porn: Reel II

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

Just call me late to the party. You readers were way ahead of me on the problem of hotel pornography.

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But I don't spend much time in hotels. When I do take a room, I don't spend a lot of time with the television. I knew pornographic fare was available, but it remained abstract until this summer when I mistakenly hit the "enter" button while the TV cursor was on the "adult" section. (It was an accident; I swear!) There instantly appeared a scene of penetrating drama – if you know what I mean. If you don't, get Dad to explain it to you.

It was quickly replaced by an order screen, and I thought: Any kid playing with the remote could have received the same video sample. The matter wasn't abstract any longer. This was the real, hard-core, triple-x McCoy.

So I wrote last week's column decrying the fact that major U.S. corporations were profiting from what they knew to be a dirty business – dirty in so many ways.

Response from readers was immediate. I thank those who referred me to Clean Hotels, which will help you find a hotel that does not offer pornography. I appreciated the reference to a story that featured a mealy-mouthed quote from a Marriott Hotels executive, to wit: "It's a competitive business. A lot of what we provide is based on demand."

This quote impelled me to contact Howard Bashford, Humungous Hotels' vice president for public affairs, and his top assistant, Jill Poke.

"So, you make a lot of money from pornographic movies?" I essayed.

"I don't know that they're pornographic," replied Bashford smoothly. "We prefer the term 'adult,' After all, you wouldn't take a child to see 'An American Gangster,' would you? It's adult fare."

"Well," I asked, "how about this title: 'Priscilla Has Unnatural Sex with Her Entire High School Football Team on Prom Night'? Do you think that's mainstream entertainment?"

"We don't prescreen these films," interjected Poke. "It's possible that's a satirical title about a coming-of-age movie, like 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off.' You do understand satire, don't you?"

"I thought I did until I met you," I replied, "but let's continue. If this sort of thing is demand-driven, why stop at video, uh, stimulation? Imagine how much money you could make if you provided a clean, safe place for prostitutes to ply their trade."

"Oh! No, no, no!" cried Bashford. "That would be illegal."

"But why not?" I pressed. "Isn't buying real sex an adult choice? Isn't there ample demand for it? How can you face your stockholders, knowing you haven't exploited this ready-made profit center?"

"Wow!" said Poke and Bashford together.

"That is an ethical toughy," said the latter. "Give me some time to think it over – talk with the board of directors. We must do our best for the stockholders."

Well, enough of that. It reminds me of a doleful profile one of my journalism students wrote about a friend of hers, a pretty girl who went to Hollywood to make it big in modeling and motion pictures.

This girl had no agent and no contacts. Soon she discovered there were a lot of pretty girls with the same goals and competition was fierce. She found some minor modeling work, then a photographer told her she could make some money quickly through some friends of his.

She met them and found out they specialized in nude photos. Desperate, she posed for them, and soon found herself in the flesh magazine network. It wasn't long before another "friend" put her in touch with a movie producer. Guess what kind of movies.

Soon she was making her living as a pornographic "actress." She told my student she hated it, but was sure she would be able to break into legitimate film work.

It was a heart-rending story of the exploitation of hope. If you had read it, you'd understand it would take a heartless cur to support the porn industry knowingly. Currently, I'm trying to find out if the directors of the Hyatt Hotel chain are heartless dogs. Hyatt's PR department has yet to respond to my e-mail or phone call. I'll keep trying.

Meanwhile, in California:

"Madame President of the United States … it's an extraordinary thought. We truly are in a momentous time, where a woman's potential has no limitations."

So said Barbara Streisand last week as she endorsed a woman's presidential candidacy. It didn't seem to matter much which woman. One assumes the great voice would have been as thrilled with Lizzie Borden, Lucrezia Borgia or Lady Macbeth as she was with Hillary Clinton.

We asked who said something like the following: "It is the sureness of punishment, not its severity, that deters crime."

Thanks to readers Larry Bickford and Mark van der Hoek for suggesting it was based on Ecclesiastes, 8:11: Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

Your tax dollars at work: That charming crayon art your third grader drew, that "A" paper by your junior high scholar – marks of distinction on the classroom walls, right? No! They're fire hazards!

At least one California school is following Wisconsin's lead and tearing down kids' work, limiting classroom postings to state-mandated materials.

Did you need another reason to get your kid out of the public schools? Here you go.

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