How to keep incumbents in office

Have you ever noticed how THE REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS get immediate government attention?

Take, for instance, funding the next presidential election campaign. Why, that's the very first question asked on your federal tax return. (This will be news only to Democrat voters, many of whom don't pay taxes, just collect benefits.)

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Whether or not you decide to contribute from your federal taxes, funding the next election is always the most important thing the government does. In fact, it's so important, it simply can't be left to the whims of ordinary people.

That's why, every election cycle, our government "servants" discover new ways for us to "participate" in this important event.

First, there's the old standby of bribery. In our modern and enlightened times, this is only a crime if you take the money in cash and store it in your freezer. If you deposit the check to your campaign committee or political action fund and use it to pay friends or family members who in turn buy you things – well, that's OK. As with so many things in politics, it's the appearance of criminality – not the criminality itself – that really matters.

But don't despair. If you can't afford outright bribery, perhaps you can still influence the election. In fact, your name may already have been used in the "one for me, one for Hsu" approach favored by Hillary Clinton. This is where an unidentified fat cat makes illegal contributions to a middleman bundler, who then selects the names of ordinary people who would have wanted to contribute to the campaign – had they not been dead, broke, or foreigners (who are allowed to contribute only to Clinton campaigns, and then only if they are Chinese).

Even if you haven't been bundled – don't give up hope. You may still be able to make a contribution. In fact, one could be in the works right now. It requires a bit of finesse, but it can be done. Here's how:

1. Apply for a mortgage on a home you can't afford. Be sure the mortgage is an irresponsible one, where the interest rate resets upward to double or triple your payments.

2. Lie about your income on the mortgage forms. Be sure to check the option that doesn't require income verification (like pay stubs or tax forms).

3. Default on your mortgage when it resets upward.

So how does that help you make a campaign contribution?

I said it required finesse.

With the entire economy now imperiled by your mortgage default, Congress – acting in the best interest of all Americans (especially members of Congress who need more campaign funds) – will authorize a bailout of the banks and hedge funds that invested in your mortgage, while hoping to make huge profits when the interest rate reset upwards. This bailout will include freezing the interest rates of adjustable mortgages and forbearance from foreclosure.

Democrats will incur the gratitude of their voters, who acted irresponsibly but have now ended up with a better interest rate than many other homeowners who bought houses they could afford and took out fixed rate mortgages. Republicans will have one or two nice things written about them in the mainline media, now that they've once again abandoned their principles.

But most importantly – incumbents of all political stripes will be positioned to receive the election-year flood of contributions from Wall Street and its ever-so-grateful bankers. That's because you, the taxpayer, have rescued the fat cats from the effects of the market, propped up the value of the "products" they sell and made bonuses this Christmas a certainty. This bonus money should put a floor under New York property prices, which have seen $26 million townhouses reduced in price by as much as 20 percent in recent months.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. America.

Related special offer:

Sen. Tom Coburn's "Breach of Trust: How Washington Turns Outsiders into Insiders"