Terrorist government in California

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's column was written before the Iowa caucuses were completed and Joe Biden and Chris Dodd dropped out of the presidential race. Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

"Man! It stinks in here!"

"I don't smell anything," replied Howard Bashford, the amiable chief aide of California Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez, D-Aztlan.

"You're joking," we said. "You're office has the aroma of week-old road kill. What's that behind your desk?"

TRENDING: Take heart, patriots! These 3 House members are the future of the GOP

"Nothing," he said, rolling in his chair to hide the object, which seemed to be the source of the stench.

"Looks like a file folder," we said, stepping quickly to the left to get a better view.

Bashford's chair skidded off its floor guard and got hung up in the heavy pile of his office carpet, so he couldn't obscure the title on the folder.

"Scaring Californians into a Tax Increase," we read. "Come on, Howard, what's in it?"

"I really couldn't say," he answered huffily, as he tried to hoist his chair back onto the hard surface. "But it's evident to everybody in the capitol that we need to raise taxes to handle the state's deficit."

"Let me guess," we said. "It says to suggest the state might turn loose thousands of convicted criminals to cover the shortfall."

"Non-violent criminals …" Bashford began, then said, "Oops! I wasn't supposed to reveal this was part of a tax-raising scheme."

"I'll bet," we said. "Why don't you at least pick up that file and put it out on the window sill, so you're office will be habitable."

"Good idea!" he said. "First let me put on these rubber gloves …"

Now, about those presidential candidates:

On the Democratic Party side:

Hillary Clinton gets points for courage. She's running on a platform of "experience," when the one job she was given as first lady (apart from persecuting the staff of the White House Travel Office) was the disaster of her health care "reform."

Barack Obama: Most charming of the Socialist Party candidates. Perhaps one day he'll learn the proper way to salute Old Glory.

John Edwards: Makes one long for the incisive wit of Dan Quayle.

Bill Richardson: Heads the list of those running for vice president on the Democratic ticket.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Makes one long for the incisive wit of John Edwards.

Sen. Joe Biden: His native charm has him up to 2 percent in the polls.

Sen. Chris Dodd: Isn't he from Delaware, or someplace like that?

Al Gore: Does anybody believe he won't be there if his party needs him?

As for the Republicans:

Rudy Giuliani: He's learning the chief hazard of campaigning so hard, so long – voter fatigue.

Gov. Mike Huckabee: Has anybody else noticed that he looks eerily like Richard Nixon when photographed from certain angles?

Gov. Mitt Romney: Flip-flopping makes it seem that brainwashing may be hereditary. Perhaps he will explain why Marriott Hotels offer in-room, hard-core pornography. He was on the corporation's board, after all.

Sen. John McCain: The Arizonan is having some success in playing down the spleen factor.

Alan Keyes: So smart, so right, so ignored.

Former Sen. Fred Thompson: Could be a factor if he ever decides to run. Oh, he has?

Rep. Ron Paul: The Republicans' only surrender-in-Iraq candidate has the money, but it won't buy the votes.

Rep. Duncan Hunter: The dark horse may actually be getting some traction.

Talk about stinky: The Federal Communications Commission has canned its ban of more than three decades on the common ownership of newspapers and broadcast outlets in the same market. All those who think this is a swell idea, stand up. We mean besides you, Mr. Murdoch.

Some friends recently asked, "Fox News? Isn't that biased?" Well, every day we sample the news of one or more of the broadcast networks, and every day we find bias knowingly injected into their programs.

Take the CBS news reader who on Dec. 28, said that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's comments on the death of Benazir Bhutto "could just as well apply to American policy." Rice, signing the condolence book at Pakistan's embassy, said, "It's a day of great tragedy, great mourning."

Give CBS the award for "sledgehammer subtlety."