Hellary's belles: Too young to know?

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

Sen. Hillary Clinton

"(Hillary Clinton's) campaign says young women in particular are drawn to her candidacy and the prospect of electing America's first woman president. Officials with the Clinton campaign cite anecdotal evidence from supporters and from the turnout of women at early campaign events."

– Christian Science Monitor report.

In this era when "50 is the new 40," one must take care in defining just what age bracket is "young woman." Let us posit that a woman who has been eligible to vote in two presidential elections is still politically young. Thus the "young woman" age bracket should be between the ages of 18 and 30 years. (This takes into account that some women turn 18 shortly after a general election, so they go nearly 12 years before they vote twice for president.)

With this in mind, we brought together two women at the top and bottom of this bracket who said they intended to vote for Hillary Clinton. We asked Jill Poke, 18, and Amy Handleman, 30, the big question: Why?

Poke, a community college student, answered first. "As my history professor said, we have a historic opportunity to elect a woman president of the United States. And as my women's studies professor said, it's time we brought a woman's perspective to the chief executive's office. And as my sociology professor said, Hillary really cares about important social issues, like health care – and she has the experience we need."

Handleman, an associate in a public relations firm, said, "I agree totally. Health care is a mess, and Hillary is the one to straighten it out."

We asked, "Do you remember what happened when her husband assigned Mrs. Clinton to 'reform' health care in 1993?"

"Well, look, I was just 15 in '93," said Handleman. "I was far more interested in boys and fashion and such things at that time. I didn't really pay close attention."

"Yeah," giggled Poke. "I was only 3. I don't remember much of anything from back then."

"Well, then, let us catch you up a bit," we said. "The Association of Physicians and Surgeons had to sue to find out who was on the Task Force on National Health Care Reform, as Mrs. Clinton battled for secrecy. The Clinton administration argued that although Mrs. Clinton was not elected to any office, she was a government official and didn't have to comply with a law requiring that advisory bodies meet openly.

"The bill she came up with ran to more than 1,000 pages and was so coercive, punitive and hopelessly bureaucratic, that even the Democrats, who controlled Congress, ran away from it in droves. The entire concept died. In other words, she made a hash of it."

"Well, didn't she say she learned some important lessons from all that?" asked Handleman. "I mean, isn't that how we learn?"

"It's a kind of learning," we said. "But the public can't learn from it. Hillary's papers from that fiasco still are being kept secret. And did you know her health task force work led to one of the 'Clinton scandals'? She held shares in a hedge fund that was short-selling health care and pharmaceutical stocks, which were bound to plunge if her 'reform' passed."

"What's a hedge fund?" asked Poke. "What's short-selling?"

We ignored this and listed some of the scandals in which Hillary Clinton was directly or indirectly involved, including the cattle futures windfall, the "discovered" FBI files on Republicans, Whitewater, various fundraising "irregularities" (right up to the Norman Hsu scandal of 2007) and her role in suppressing "bimbo eruptions." We didn't bother to mention all the suspicious deaths, particularly the contortionistic "suicides" of individuals with knowledge of Clinton activities.

"Well, I'm not familiar with any of that," said Handleman. "I do know that she cares deeply about this country. Didn't she prove that when she got all choked up in New Hampshire? If she did some bad things in the past, it must be because she cares so much."

"I'm with you," chirped Poke. "Even if all the bad stuff they say about Hillary is true, how can it matter now? My political science professor says it doesn't. It's just … experience."

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