Let the woman win

It must be admitted that I am an inveterate opponent of women's suffrage. I see absolutely nothing positive that has historically come of this democratic travesty in any country around the world, and much that is destructive. I marvel at those who genuinely believe that the expansion of a single privilege, rendered all but meaningless as a result of the expansion in the U.S., was worth the subsequent violation and sacrifice of the rights declared most fundamental by the nation's Founding Fathers.

Yet, in the course of human events, there are times when one must bow to the reality that human beings are, by and large, ignorant fools completely incapable of utilizing reason, applying the lessons of history or learning from the mistakes of others.

There are times when humanity must learn its lesson the hard way.

This year's presidential campaign has been more amusing than most. The Republican competition was primarily noteworthy for presenting an array of candidates whose positions are wildly unacceptable to the party's base, culminating in the apparent selection of a barely lucid wax figure chiefly known for his great personal opposition to the First and Second Amendments to the Constitution. The Democrats, on the other hand, find themselves caught up in a vicious internecine battle to determine which group is the most victimized ever: wealthy Harvard-educated black senators or wealthy Yale-educated female senators.

Since there is growing reason to believe that, despite his smoothly superficial oratory and magical negritude, Barack Obama is actually crazier than John McCain – it is not audacious, but insane, to hope that we are the change that we have been waiting for to heal godd--n America so we can finally be proud of it – I suggest that it would be wise to follow the immortal advice of the owner/operator of the Millennium Falcon and let the woman win.

Please understand that in offering this opinion, I am not suggesting that Hillary is liable to rip off Mr. Obama's arm and club him to death with it should he rob her, and every American woman, of the Democratic nomination for president that is their right by virtue of the undeniable fact that Ms. Rodham-Clinton is a woman. She would merely like to do so, and it is profoundly unfair of the theory of evolution by natural selection to have conspired over the millennia to deny her the physical strength required should such an act be merited, as it would most definitely be should she, and every American woman, be so violated by a male vote rapist.

As the Wall Street Journal recently suggested in an article entitled "At the Barricades In the Gender Wars," it is clear that a substantial portion of the female citizenry will interpret the denial of Ms. Rodham-Clinton's long awaited ascendancy to the Cherry Blossom Throne as a rejection of their own womanhood. The women of America's adherence to this national application of the profoundly stupid concept of the personal being political indicates that severe measures are required to illustrate their complete unfitness for participation in the governing process of any society which wishes to survive indefinitely.

And just as the best way to silence an annoying and incompetent backseat driver is to turn the wheel over to him, the optimal way to prove that women's suffrage is a disaster beyond any shadow of a doubt is to, metaphorically, let them drive. Let Hillary return to the White House in triumph, after all, it's not as if her two male opponents are any better. And give her a working female majority in the House, Senate and Supreme Court, too. Better yet, let every male senator, representative and Supreme Court justice resign in favor of a female replacement. Think of it as a four year male holiday filled with nothing but beer, video games and sports – 1,461 days of an ongoing March Madness Thursday!

Although I suppose paradise couldn't possibly last that long. Given the bans on alcohol, cigarettes, guns and free speech that women have favored since the suffrage campaign began in the 19th century, I can't imagine it would take an all-female Congress long to ban the NFL, video games, cheerleaders, strippers, scales, the New Testament and Internet porn. The only two legal dress sizes would be "small" and "you look so skinny," and the only real question would be what would come first, a return to the grass huts of yore, conquest by an external patriarchy or revolution and the restoration of historical inequality.

But in the long term, what is there to lose? Either women are right, and they are at least as capable of governance as men, so the nation would greatly benefit from the actualization of their long-repressed capabilities, or they are wrong and we can go directly to the nadir for which we have long been heading anyway, end the equalitarian experiment and begin the long march back to the principles of unalienable human freedom, small government and democracy on a very short leash upon which the nation was originally founded.

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