Writing time was very limited in the past few days due to other obligations, so instead I decided to offer up my column space to the advertiser with the highest bid.
So without further adieu, here's a word from this week's sponsor, "The John Adams Project," the ACLU's attempt to recruit and fund U.S. civilian defense attorneys to work on behalf of accused terrorists being held outside the U.S.
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The John Adams Project
Are you a top-notch attorney looking to raise the reputation of your profession? Do you believe Khalid Sheikh Mohammed could in fact be a salt-of-the-earth human being to the point where he makes Mother Teresa look like a crack dealer by comparison?
Do you believe the CIA tortured Mohammed into confessing things he didn't do, such as masterminding the 9/11 attacks and beheading journalist Daniel Pearl? Do you believe that rights guaranteed to every U.S. citizen by the Constitution apply to non-citizens outside the continental U.S.?
Do you refuse to find it ironic that someone can be a "progressive" who voices frequent opposition to the spread of U.S. imperialism in one breath and in the other calls for forcing U.S. constitutional dogma on select non-citizens outside the U.S.? Do you believe that Osama bin Laden, if captured, should be released if the military didn't read him his Miranda rights, or if they did, they were read in English instead of Pashto?
If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then former Attorney General Janet Reno and the ACLU want you to help defend "alleged" terrorists being held at the U.S. concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba!
Reno will spearhead the ACLU's $8.5 million effort, dubbed "The John Adams Project," to see to the well-being of all the wrongly accused, Gandhi-esque saints being illegally detained at Gitmo.
Reno's lengthy record of support for human rights goes clear back to 1993 in Waco, Texas, where she fought night and day for almost two months to defend the rights of 74 Branch Davidians, 20 of them children, until they were burned alive.
With your help, participating attorneys will help get these cases out of military "kangaroo" courts and tried in U.S. courts where they belong. Then you'll sleep better at night in the knowledge that you helped bring some of the world's most misunderstood human beings – who are heartlessly mislabeled as "terrorists" by actual terrorists like George W. Bush – to the United States.
Why must some detainees, such as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, be brought to the United States? For their own safety. Many Gitmo detainees fear they'll be tortured and killed if they're sent back to nations like Uzbekistan, Yemen, Algeria and Syria. The fact that some would rather stay at Gitmo than be sent home is clear evidence that the CIA is brainwashing detainees into believing they're not already being tortured at Gitmo.
Once in America, these quite possibly innocent men will be able to take full advantage of all the rights that U.S. citizens possess, such as the possibility of living off taxpayer money, taxpayer-funded health care, volunteering to work at bake sales at our local schools, the ability to sue big tobacco and ready access to commercial airliners.
If you're one of the lucky lawyers chosen to participate, be prepared to spend some time in the tropics, followed by a counter-suit you'll help file on behalf of the accused at Gitmo against U.S. citizens. The lawsuit will seek punitive damages for the mental anguish and pain and suffering wrought by every American who had the audacity not to die on 9/11, and those Americans' subsequent unlawful attempts to deny non-Americans the right to try it again.
If the stars align, the suit will land in the lap of California's Ninth Circuit Court, and you'll earn more money in one day than it takes John Edwards to make in two days!
Top-notch lawyers, send Janet Reno and the ACLU your resume today and protect freedom!
(Disclaimer: All lawyers chosen to participate will be required to sign a waiver acknowledging that Ms. Reno, the ACLU and detainees being defended are not to be held responsible for any attorney who is disemboweled, beheaded, bludgeoned, blown up, stomped, shot and/or stabbed by said client/detainee, and that said attorney understands that any violence directed toward him or her by said client/detainee is simply a symptom of what happens when virtuous human beings are falsely accused of violence.)