“What I said was I would meet with our adversaries, including Iran, including Venezuela, including Cuba, including North Korea, without preconditions, but that does not mean without preparation,” Barack Obama told ABC News’ Jake Tapper in an interview Tuesday.
“Welcome, Mr. President, to our country. Congratulations on your election victory. Our friend Ahmed Yousef of Hamas expressed our common hope that you would be elected. We have believed you would be our best friend in the United States. Please sit down. Would you like a banana?”
“Thank you, Mr. Dictator, for your hospitality. No thanks, I’ll pass on the banana – why are your aides laughing?”
“Oh, it’s just our little joke. We jihadists have often referred to Jews and Americans – in fact, all non-jihadists – as ‘pigs and monkeys.’ No offense, just a little humor.”
Pause. “Well, OK. I’ll pass on that, too. I do appreciate your willingness to dialogue, without any preconditions, and I guess I’m prepared for little slurs like that.”
“Oh, it’s not a slur. No, we do see you and all like you – who don’t realize that we are holy to Allah and commissioned by Him to convert the rest of the world to our view – as subhuman and not worthy of life. Unless you give up your ignorant and blasphemous notions of Jesus and a Hebrew God and bow to Allah as we know him. Perhaps you would like some corn cobs and table scraps?”
Another pause. “Uh, Mr. Dictator, you don’t seem to realize you are insulting the president of the United States!” (suppressed laughter around the room)
“Yes, of course. Tell me – you seem even younger in person than we thought – how long were you a senator, before you became president?”
“A couple of years. Why?”
“Oh, no reason (smiling). And you are now commander in chief of all America’s armed forces?”
“Yes, I certainly am. …” (laughter and gleeful applause audible)
“And you never served in the military, yourself?”
“Well, no, but …” (more laughter audible)
“Now you know why we fervently hoped the American pigs and monkeys would elect you! Allah be praised! We couldn’t have hoped for anything better. We would have been almost as happy with the woman, but not that Vietnam veteran warmonger pig, McCain. You serve our purposes perfectly.”
A little throat clearing. “Mr. Dictator, you seem to think that my admitted lack of experience in military and foreign policy makes me less qualified to lead America through these troubled times. But let me remind you I was elected largely because of my promise to bring about ‘change.’ I convinced our voters, mainly liberal young and intellectuals and people who were mad about George Bush’s forays into Afghanistan and Iraq, that I could change the whole way we leaders deal with our mutual problems. We don’t need to be warlike any longer; we can solve all these issues by sitting down across from each other and discussing them. … No, thank you – I told you, I don’t want a banana.” (hysterical laughter and thigh slapping within the room)
“Excuse my associates, Mr. Oinkbama … er, Obama. We’re just enjoying your ideas. We’re developing nuclear capability, pretty much in plain view, with the obvious intent of wiping Israel, those pigs and monkeys, off the face of the earth – and you think you can change our minds by swapping ideas with us. We’re supplying arms and munitions to our jihadist brothers and training them to kill your soldiers in Iraq and everywhere else. We’re indoctrinating our children to strap on explosives and kill Americans and Jews anywhere they find them, earning eternal rewards for their martyrdom – and you come here thinking you can persuade us to stop in our holy mission. It’s just so amusing, to say the least.” (unrepressed applause and laughter)
“Mr. Dictator, uh … I’m really disappointed, even amazed, at your attitude. Don’t you care what the rest of the world thinks of you? Wouldn’t you rather work out a plan that would enable our peoples to live in peace and harmony and mutual trust?”
Suddenly serious. “Mr. Obama, we couldn’t care less what the ‘world,’ as you describe it, thinks of us. We care only what Allah thinks of us. In the sacred writings, as we understand them, we are doing his will and carrying out his commands as we butcher and eliminate nonbelievers – and that certainly includes you and your disrespectful disgrace of a wife and your little piglet daughters!”
President Obama, angry and red-faced: “Mr. Dictator, I don’t intend to take that kind of talk from you, or anyone else. You can disrespect me if you choose, and even the country that elected me, but you can’t speak of my wife and daughters that way!”
“Oh, really? And what do you intend to do about it, President Orangutan? Call out your troops? Here, my assistant can give you the number. Call the pigs and see what they want to do. Bomb us? Invade our country? Come ahead! Let’s get it on!
“There are hundreds of millions of us, and we hunger for martyrdom, for Armageddon, for what you call the ‘third world war,’ the end of civilization. We want, we desire, that all this sleazy, Satanic society be destroyed. Then, we faithful jihadists will be ushered into heaven and given our 72 virgins each, and we will be honored throughout eternity!
“You’ve never even worn a uniform or carried a gun, and you think you can charm your way into our good graces and convince us to ‘change’ our holy mission? You think you can threaten me or my people, you slop-sucking pig?” (angry rumbling and shuffling, hands reaching into inner pockets.)
“Uh … Mr. Dictator, I’d better go. I can see I’ve misjudged you and your intentions. Now I know how President Carter felt when he realized ‘the Soviets lied to me!’ Uh, I’ll take your response back to Congress and the American … No, I’d better think about that. They may regret … Uh, well, thanks for your time.
“And no, for the last time, I don’t want a banana. Good day.”
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