There's an overwhelming amount of goings-on these days, so let's try and cover as many as possible.
Let me get this straight …
- John McCain gets mocked because he doesn't use e-mail, and Sarah Palin is mocked because she does? McCain not using e-mail leads us to tomorrow's headline on the front page of the New York Times: "McCain disenfranchises hackers."
- One charge against Palin is that she used a personal e-mail account for official government business (I believe she committed the impeachable offense of using her Yahoo account to order the Apepazza Musa shoes she wore to the governor's ball). There's nothing more representative of the craziness of the year than by an e-mail hacker accusing the hackee of ethics violations.
- A 13-year-old photograph surfaced showing Sarah Palin with some John Birch Society material on her desk. Some were saying this is evidence of Palin's radical nature. Does a Picture of Palin with Birch material on her desk make her a Bircher? No more than this picture is evidence that Obama is a Muslim or this one is proof that Obama wants God to damn America.
- Joe "Stand up, Chuck" Biden has called on Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm to act as a stand-in for Sarah Palin for debate practice. Brilliant choice! Who better to play the part of somebody who you're going to try to portray as a really bad governor than a really bad governor? When it comes to debate practice, method actors are the only way to go.
- Sen. Biden also said that paying higher taxes is patriotic. King George III agrees. If Obama's elected, the Fourth of July parade will feature Uncle Sam, with a scarf covering his face and hair plugs covering his head, jumping off a float to take candy from your child. It's important to teach kids patriotism at a young age.
Advertisement - story continues below
- Barbra Streisand sang at a fundraiser for Barack Obama. In the past, Babs sang for Al Gore, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton's presidential campaigns. She didn't sing for Michael Dukakis, but he did see "The Way We Were" twice. The grim reaper is considering filing a lawsuit against Streisand for copyright infringement.
- Florida requiring ID to vote this year is actually considered controversial? Just imagine how many illegals in South Florida are going to be denied the basic human right of accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan.
- John Edwards will go ahead with a speech at the University of Illinois for which he'll be paid $65,000. The speech is entitled "The American Dream" (subtitle: "At least it is until your wife finds out"). During the speech, the former senator and VP candidate is expected to ask the crowd to raise their hands if they forgive him and/or have suffered any side effects from asbestos exposure.
- If a huge company earns incredible profits, that money is divvied up between corporate executives and stockholders – but if a huge company suffers huge losses, you and I have to pay bail them out? How long can middle America survive when we're only offered a piece of the action on the downside?
- Rajendra Pachauri, the head of the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change urged humans to avoid eating meat at least one day a week to help curb global warming. We're told quitting meat altogether would save the planet even faster. Then it was reported that scientists at Oxford discovered those on a meat-free diet are six times more likely to suffer brain shrinkage. Knowing that liberalism does to the brain what a cold swimming pool does to the male genitalia, the U.N. and Al Gore wisely realize it'll be easier for them to recruit us once our brains are the size of raisins in the desert sun.
- Nearly all African-Americans who cast a ballot will vote for Barack Obama – which of course leads the mainstream media to ask why many whites have trouble voting for somebody who isn't the same color they are.
- Actor/director/writer Woody Allen said it would be a "disgrace and a humiliation" if Obama did not win the election. A tie would be like kissing his sister, and an Obama loss would be like marrying his stepdaughter.
- The federal government is in charge of a trillion dollar economic fix? Rest easy, tellers – John Dillinger has been hired as the bank guard.
It's time to cry myself to sleep on my Albert Einstein "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it" pillow now.