The Obama campaign has purchased half-hour primetime slots on CBS and NBC to air approximately a week before the election.
If you count the free infomercials Obama already gets every night on the evening news on all the major networks, this adds up to a minimum of a full hour of ad time on each network per day. Not bad.
Being fortunate enough to have a few friends who are media insiders, I managed to obtain a script of the infomercial.
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(Cue Obama-Glo pitchperson Katie Couric)
What would you say if I told you there was a product on the market that would wipe clean all your problems and make you happier, healthier and more content than you have ever been at any point in your life? You probably think that day will never come, right? Well have I got news for you … that day is today!
Order now and you'll get Obama-Glo, the amazing new product that works on any surface in any situation, anywhere in the world! Those who have ordered in the past have said "It doesn't even bother me that there's no label on the product." That's right! Obama-Glo works so well that you won't even care how it works, what's in it or who made it. I know I don't!
Use Obama-Glo and you'll get a high paying job that demands virtually no hours per week, free health care, free abortions, free hurricane protection, free higher education, a cameo in a Tom Hanks movie, free tire inflation service so we can stop drilling for oil and free delicious and nutritious meals with zero trans fats delivered by an ex Fannie Mae executive in a hybrid car to your mortgage-free home three times per day!
Order Obama-Glo now and you'll also receive free happiness, free prescription drugs, more free happiness, a cure for cancer, a big chunk of the bailout plan, an autographed "Jesus is just all Wright" Trinity United T-shirt, a "Not a Muslim, not that there's anything wrong with that" official Obama campaign mug, a mandatory self-esteem increase and a written guarantee of eternal life all at absolutely no cost to you!
But we're not asking you to believe us. Obama-Glo works so well that even our competitors sing our praises!
(Cut to pitchman for "McCain-Shine")
"My friends, you don't need to be scared of ordering Obama-Glo. It's a decent product. It'll work just fine my friends, and we need to respect that. If you can't use my product, Obama-Glo will work just as well if not better my friends."
(Cut back to Couric)
There you have it, direct from one of our competitors – there's simply nothing that works as well on whatever it is that you want done, or even things you don't realize you want done, than Obama-Glo!
What does Obama-Glo do? It fills your heart with gladness, takes away all your sadness and eases your trouble, that's what it does!
Now how much would your unwitting descendants pay?
You're probably saying to yourself, "There couldn't possibly be more to this offer!" Well don't think again, because the next 5,000 people who provide ACORN with a list of at least 50 phony voter registration leads with their order will get a hand-held, three-bladed cooling fan to counter the effects of Republican-created global warming – personally autographed by Al Gore himself and provided free to Obama-Glo customers for an involuntary $500 benefaction to Generation Investment Management.
This exquisitely designed fan features the Obama-Glo logo beautifully embossed on each blade and will act as your daily reminder of the miracle product that helps free all of us from the need to cling to guns and religion and that wipes clean the inhumane burden of financial, social and intellectual independence.
And don't forget, if you order now, your name will be placed in the Obama-Glo sweepstakes. That's right, your kids and/or grandkids could win a chance to sing alongside the world famous Obama Youth in an upcoming production of "If They Could See Me Mao: The Musical" – coming soon to a public school classroom near you. (on-screen graphic: odds of winning = 99.9 out of 100)
What are you waiting for? Quantities aren't limited, so you should order like you should vote: early and often!