Barack O-holy-bama, I have been saved!

I never thought I'd witness this in my lifetime, but it's true: the Messiah has come. Hallelujah!

Really. I'm hearing that the Savior has returned to walk among us in the form of Barack Hussein Obama. Now I can join others who have seen the light and been saved. Right before the election, too.

The latest enlightenment comes from a woman named Maggie Merten. In case you haven't heard, Ms. Merten is the associate editor of the campus newspaper at Smith College in Massachusetts. She wrote an editorial assuring all the readers that Obama is the Messiah and that she has been "saved" through him.

You have no idea how relieved I am that someone has recognized how Obama can assure my entry into … uh … is it heaven? (Not sure – I'll check on that and get back to you.) Since apparently Jesus is no longer good enough, it's a relief to know that someone has arrived to assure my deliverance. (Deliverance into what, I'm not certain.)

Jesus merely promised me eternal salvation. Obama, however, promises to redistribute my wealth – mine and Joe the Plumber's. Joe and I didn't need all that money we worked so hard to earn anyway. Let someone else have it.

Merten's conversion occurred at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 in which she heard him (or is that Him, with a capital H?) speak a testimony "that included believing in concepts as simple and wholesome as the Constitution." Obama has apparently read some secret parts of the Constitution I haven't seen, parts that include the "rights" to health care and adequate housing and oh yes, a share of other peoples' earnings.

About time, too. For far too long, people had to reduce their health costs by maintaining healthy habits, and if they wanted a home they had to save money for it. Our new Messiah will eliminate those pesky requirements.

It's not just Merten who has seen the light. The media, too, is dancing around in an orgiastic frenzy, plastering magazine covers of Obama's suspiciously smooth and unlined face (Photoshop, anyone?) backlit by an ethereal glow while simultaneously retouching McCain's face with just the right dash of decrepitude.

Never before in the history of this country has an election been so tough. McCain faces a huge uphill battle. How difficult must it be, after all, to run for president opposite the Messiah? I think I'd want to give up once I knew my opponent was a deity.

No less an exulted prophet than Louis Farrakhan has told us that Obama is the Messiah. In addressing a crowd of black Muslims, Farrakhan said, "You are the instruments that God is gonna use to bring about universal change, and that is why Barack has captured the youth. And he has involved young people in a political process that they didn't care anything about. That's a sign. When the Messiah speaks, the youth will hear, and the Messiah is absolutely speaking."

Wow. Who would dare to oppose the will of God? Or at least the will of Louis?

Since Obama has never denied his deistic status, I'll assume he's going along for the ride. There's no way of knowing if Jesus was any good as a speaker (at least without a TelePrompter), but I can overlook any of Obama's oratory shortcomings in light of his message of "change." I'm not quite sure what those changes are – beyond distributing our wealth and guaranteeing free health care and housing and maybe a chicken in every pot (tofu if you're a vegan) – but I'm certain I'll find out soon enough. I'm sure whatever Lord Obama has in mind will simplify my life and make it flow freely. And with less hassle too. Something like how the inhabitants of Planet Camazotz lived their lives in freedom and independence under the benign rule of IT (see Madeline L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time").

As is proper for a deity, Obama's origins are shrouded in mystery. We don't know his country of birth, his academic credentials, his religious affiliation, or his relationship with people of wildly hateful speech, actions and mindset. Phew. Who wants to clutter up a Messiah's prophecy by knowing from whence he came?

I dare not question Obama's messianic status, or I too might become a victim of media assassination (like Joe the Plumber) or Secret Service investigation (like Jessica Hughes). Apparently the most efficient method of establishing the credentials of the Messiah is to beat the holy crap out of any critics. This sends the message to the rest of the world that awkward and unvetted questions are bad, evil and sinful. And if the Messiah blurts out an inconvenient truth, such as telling Joe the Plumber that his modest and hard-earned wealth will be "spread around," then the angels … er, the media, hastily covers up the mistake by assassinating Joe. Clever.

Since Christianity is now passé in this country (at least according to the Old Media), it stands to reason that people need a new and exciting gospel to fill the void. And why not use the handsomest and most charismatic of presidential candidates to proclaim the new faith? Why not idolize his every word, bring federal charges against his critics and refuse to examine his past? In the absence of religious belief in this country, something will rush in to fill the void – and Obama's supporters have done just that.

The easy thing about changing my allegiance from Jesus to Obama is that I don't have to "do" anything more. I don't have to treat people decently (the government will do it for me). I don't have to act charitably (the government will do it for me). I don't have to love my neighbor (ditto). All I have to do is accept that my freedoms will be curtailed and my money will be spread around and – bam! – I get free housing and medical care and a deity for president. What a deal.

This is getting creepy, folks.