Hi again, everyone!
It’s time to look back at 2008, the year when “billions” and “trillions” became commonplace – not just in news about financial bailouts, but also the amount of times John McCain uttered, “My friends,” not to mention the estimated number of plastic plugs in Joe Biden’s scalp.
It’s shoetime!
Let’s get the shoe on the road with a farewell to salute to President George W. Bush.
Just this month, an Iraqi journalist decided to share the love with our nation’s leader. He did this with the time-honored tradition of calling the president a “dog,” removing his shoes from his own dogs and then socking them at our commander in chief.
After making the amazing dodge, Mr. Bush got soleful about why his assailant launched his shoes.
“It’s like driving down the street and have people not gesturing with all five fingers,” he stated.
I’m not exactly sure what the president is implying with that. I’ll just take it to mean that people often use their hands to tell him he’s No. 1 in their hearts.
Citizen Feign
In the past few months, there has been growing concern about Barack Obama’s true citizenship and precisely where he was actually born.
While the governor of Hawaii went on the record saying no original birth certificate would be released, one source dug up something that just might put this issue to rest once and for all.
Or maybe not …
 It doesn’t get any more official than this, does it? |
Hey, it’s got something that looks like a state seal on it. Plus, the signatures of “Doctor Realguy” and “Another Docter” add to its authenticity. Who could ask for anything more?
‘I can see Russia from my house!’
“Saturday Night Live,” known more in recent years for not being funny, actually had some comedy-filled moments during the election season, especially when it lampooned Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillary Clinton.
This clip, viewed more than 8 million times on NBC’s website alone, is one for the ages:
A feel for the job
Hillary was also the butt of another joke (well, maybe not the butt) when Obama’s speechwriter Jon Favreau got a little frisky with a cardboard cut-out of the former first lady. The photo says it all:
 Obama speechwriter Jon Favreau, left, gives ‘Hillary’ hands-on advice |
Perhaps this is what Obama means by his theme of “change.” Yes, we no longer have Bill Clinton getting serviced by young politicos in the White House. Instead, we have an image of his wife being sampled by the new commander’s aide.
A comment from Kate Sheahan published at the Washington Post site noted: “Anthropologically, this would be considered ‘marking one’s territory,’ and maybe just a few drinks away from actual spraying.”
Turning the other cheeks
 Victoria and Joel Osteen are relieved to know they won’t have to pay for a woman’s flaring pack of hemorrhoids |
Is it possible to get mega-hemorrhoids from a megapastor?
A Continental Airlines flight attendant thought so, as she unsuccessfully sued Victoria Osteen, wife of evangelist Joel Osteen after an in-flight confrontation.
According to Sharon Brown’s claim, Mrs. Osteen threw a tantrum and whacked her in the chest when the stewardess didn’t clean up a spill quickly enough in first class.
“One thing led to another and that’s when Mrs. Osteen assaulted Continental flight attendant Sharon Brown,” said Brown’s attorney Reginald McKamie. “She threw her against the lavatory door and she elbowed her in her breast.”
“She was traumatized by it, the whole event. She was seriously injured by Victoria Osteen’s conduct.”
Brown claimed she now suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the scuffle.
I guess that means it ain’t just sitting on hard church pews for too long that can cause the H-word.
The scent of a woman
When it comes to flatulence in the news, 2008 was a blast.
 Actress and singer Jessica Simpson went public about her own personal brand |
During an August concert in Niagara Falls, N.Y., actress and singer Jessica Simpson felt the need to open up on something quite personal.
“I do pass gas a lot,” she admitted. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”
There was also something running afoul in public schools.
In South Florida, a 13-year-old boy was arrested for expressing himself on campus. The Stuart News said the student at Spectrum Junior-Senior High School “continually disrupted his classroom environment” by purposely breaking wind.
Meanwhile, in Camden, Maine, a middle school actually issued a ban on intentional foul-boweling.
According to Village Soup reporter Holly Anderson, eighth-grade boys at Camden-Rockport Middle School were trying to, shall we say, outperform one another, sparking school officials to send out a warning in its newsletter.
“Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th-grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS,” the newsletter said. “It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!”
Student Jordan Tyler told the paper, “They would do it in science class and other places. It’s a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day.”
Principal Maria Libby tried to put the matter behind, explaining, “It’s not a new policy, but farting can be considered a disruption.”
 Gasmaster Jose Cruz |
Assault with a deadly air biscuit
But the shot heard ’round the world came from the interior of Jose Cruz, who was charged with battery for passing gas in the face of a law enforcement officer.
Cruz was stopped on suspicion of DUI by Patrolman T.E. Parsons in West Charleston, W.V.
According to the criminal complaint below, as he was being fingerprinted, Cruz allegedly “lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto” the officer. “The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Ptlm. Parsons.”
 Excerpt from actual criminal complaint filed by police against Jose Cruz in West Charleston, W.V. |
Even though the charge was eventually dropped, the story went global, and West Virginia’s WSAZ-TV received more than 1,200 comments, including:
- If passing gas is a criminal offense, then I deserve the death penalty.
- If we could harness all this wasted gas, we could be truly energy independent.
Moon over My-enemy
 Israeli soldiers seen on tape allegedly mooning Palestinians (courtesy YnetNews.com) |
The ongoing conflict between Jews and Palestinians got a bit cheeky – literally – when a pair of Israeli soldiers were charged with exposing their posteriors to a group of Palestinians.
YnetNews, a popular Israeli website, posted footage it obtained of the soldiers pulling down their pants and underwear, shaking their booties, and then flashing a victory sign (Caution: backside nudity in video).
A peace activist who filmed the footage told WND: “The settlers demanded that the shepherds evacuate the area, and IDF soldiers who arrived at the scene also attempted to clear the Palestinian shepherds from their grazing fields; then, in the middle of the argument and for no apparent reason, the soldiers pulled down their pants and exposed their rear ends to us.”
Obviously, these soldiers were just getting back (literally) to the peace process.
Flush to judgment
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When you gotta go, you gotta go. But sometimes, you don’t wanna come back for a while.
That’s apparently the case of a 35-year-old Kansas woman, who police say was on her toilet for two straight years, actually becoming stuck to the seat.
“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself,” Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple told the Associated Press, explaining it appeared her body fat had grown attached to the seat.
“She was sitting on the toilet and was somewhat disoriented,” Whipple said. “She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave.
“We pried the toilet seat off with a prybar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” he said. “The hospital removed it.”
While this story is freaky enough with being welded to the toilet, how ironic is it that the man who rescued her was named “Mr. Whipple,” famous for the “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin!” catchphrase?
 Joann Olivio, modeling for authorities |
‘Do’ unto others …
So you think you’ve had a bad hair day? It’s nothing compared to that of Joann Olivio.
Deputies in Collier County, Fla., say Olivio broke into an East Naples beauty salon as she sought to get a refund for a “botched” hairdo.
The only trouble was, it was the wrong salon.
According to the Naples Daily News, police found Olivio “crouched behind the cash register, wearing a housecoat, pajamas, slippers, and yellow dishwashing gloves. A jacket she wore over her housecoat had shards of glass on it. She was holding a hammer, squeegee and small flashlight.”
Now, I’m certainly not the fashion police on hairstyles, but this one had me at mugshot.
Or is it ‘Doo’ unto others …
 Wiener dogs, “poopie” and a kidnapped Jesus statue helped brew the perfect storm for comedy (WZZM-TV) |
In my entire life, never did I imagine that I’d write the headline, “‘Jesus’ held hostage over ‘wiener poopie.'” But alas, it happened last January.
What was originally thought to be a neighborhood spat over dog droppings resulted in a couple’s prized statue of Jesus being stolen from their yard, and a ransom note left in their mailbox.
Jean Mansel of Oakbrook Township, Mich., said someone took her 80-pound cement Jesus, a family heirloom, and then called to indicate why it was removed.
“My husband got a phone call and a real graspy voice over the phone said, ‘Check your mailbox,'” she told WZZM-TV, whose video of the story was posted online.
Inside the mailbox was a ransom note.
“The note basically said they were holding Jesus for ransom,” Mansel said.
The message on the handwritten note stated:
“We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners and trust us we see you take your wieners for long walks w/out picking up their poopie in our yards. This has upset us dearly so please clean up all the wiener poopie, if you want to see Jesus unharmed. Sincerely, Lindy Lane Residents.”
“It has to be a young person because they put these lines around Jesus, no adult is going to waste their time doing that,” said Mansel. “And referring to wiener poopie. My gosh!”
The story had a happy ending of sorts, as the Jesus statue was eventually returned. But it turns out a family member was responsible for the prank, and that fact muzzled Mansel from further comment.
Still, I just have to say it one more time to get it out of my system.
“Wiener poopie.”
Love is no picnic
 Art Price gave new meaning to the phrase, “Let’s do lunch.” |
I’ve heard of people being hungry for love, but an Ohio man allegedly let his appetite get out of control when he was allegedly caught romancing – believe it or not – his picnic table.
As the London Telegraph succinctly put it, “Police say that Art Price Jr was seen copulating with furniture on four separate mornings.”
A neighbor even recorded Price’s actions as evidence.
Bellevue Police Capt. Matt Johnson said: “He was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table.”
Price was eventually sentenced to 6 months in jail for – no joke here – “disseminating harmful material to juveniles.”
The victim has tabled any comment until a later time.
The fats of life
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And finally, meet Broderick Lloyd Laswell.
This rotund, young gent from Arkansas is an accused killer whose weight purportedly dropped from 413 pounds to 308 during his eight months behind bars. So, how did he thank his captors for his weight loss?
He sued them, claiming he was being starved by the county.
“About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again,” this obviously skeletal figure wrote.
“If we are in a small pod all day, do next to nothing for physical exercise, we should not lose weight,” he added. “The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally … being starved to death.”
Just one look at Laswell begs the question: “Did he eat his victim?”
OK, folks. That’s a wrap on another wild year. See you in 2009!
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