Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“My, aren’t you a strapping lad!” exclaimed Santa Claus, as a broad-shouldered male plopped onto his lap. “Ugh! What do you want for Christmas? Tell me, quick!”
“A bahlahnced budget and a temporary sales tahx increase for Cah-lee-for-nee-ah,” answered Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger”
“You can have the – oof! – balanced budget,” grunted Santa, “but you can forget the other item. How can you ask me for a tax increase during a recession?”
“The Legislature won’t give it to me,” said the governor. “I hahve to ahsk you.”
“Get off!” grumped Santa. “I’m a taxpayer, and I don’t want the sales tax raised. Besides, I don’t buy that ‘temporary’ business.”
“But, Sahntah . . .” Schwarzenegger began, but Santa, mustering all his strength, shoved the governor off his lap, with an emphatic, “No!”
Schwarzenegger shouted, “Ah’ll be bahck!”
Santa called, “Next!” to the queue of kids waiting to make their Christmas wishes, only to have an African-American woman deposit herself on his knees. Before he could speak, she said, “I don’t want any cuts in California social programs. It’s against my ideology. Can I have a sales tax increase to save them?”
“Assembly Speaker Karen Bass!” yelled Santa. “No tax increase! You wouldn’t get one even if the Legislature hadn’t been naughty. Off! Off! Off!”
The jolly old elf turned to inspect the queue and found a large number of adult men and women shoving children aside to move up in line.
“And the rest of you ‘grown-ups’ can beat it, too!” he yelled.
The Democratic Party legislators, led by the state Senate president pro tem, shuffled off, downcast. At last a little girl climbed into Santa’s commodious lap.
“And what do you want for Christmas?” St. Nick asked, rather grumpily.
“I don’t want anything, exactly,” she said. “What I’d like is not to have a big state debt to deal with when I grow up.”
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” laughed Santa, his good humor restored. “That’s a tough one, but I’ll see what I can do.”
It was big news last week that a large proportion of high school students lie, cheat and steal. Michael Josephson, president of the Josephson Institute, which conducted the survey that led to this conclusion, said, “What we need to learn … is that our moral infrastructure is unsound and in serious need of repair. This is not a time to lament and whine but to take thoughtful, positive actions.”
Educators responded predictably: Pressures on students are more intense than in times past. Students are busier than ever. The college search is “anxiety producing.” Kids are overloaded. There are new, tempting ways to cheat. The schools need to do more.
For further comment, we called on Dr. Howard Bashford, Ed.D., provost of the prestigious Andiron Preparatory School in Fireplace, Calif.
His response was shocking: “If we catch one of the little buggers cheating, he’s out of here, expelled.”
“But what about today’s intense pressures? What about the anxiety of the college search? The difficulty encountered in making the grades necessary for post-secondary admission? What about the temptation to cheat afforded by the Internet?” we asked, and Bashford laughed.
“Pressure? Poor babies!,” he sneered. “Do you think today’s pressure compares with, say, the ’60s or ’70s, when failure to move forward with your education meant you were ticketed for an unpopular war in Vietnam? As for getting good grades, I can tell you that in many if not most public schools you have to work hard not to make ‘A’s and ‘B’s.”
“Even if all that is true, there’s increased competition for college slots,” we said, “and with the budget crisis, California’s state colleges are going to have to restrict admissions.”
“Yep,” said Bashford, “and it’s about time. All it takes is a ‘C’ average to qualify for the state university system, and ‘C’s are so easy to get, the state system is clogged with students who ought to be looking for honest, blue-collar work.”
“Wait a minute,” we said. “A lot of ‘C’ students are bright, but just haven’t applied themselves yet. Why should they be pushed aside?”
“That’s what the California community colleges are for,” said the provost. “They offer quality instruction, and they’re as close to free as you can get. And, as you pointed out, in the past those students haven’t applied themselves.”
“Well,” we said, “what about new temptations? What about the need for schools to do more to teach children ethics?”
“Cheating is cheating,” said Bashford dogmatically. “The schools don’t need to do more; parents need to do more. As a matter of fact, the state could save a lot of money if it got totally out of the business of doing what parents should do. Getting out of sex education alone would save millions.”
“But, parents simply aren’t doing the job,” we exclaimed. “Without the state acting as a guide, why, things would be terrible.”
“And how are things now?” Bashford asked archly.
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