In Part 1 of this two-part commentary, I described the “entitlement attitudes” that seem to be pervading America, where they come from, and how they’re harming individuals and the country. The problem with entitlement attitudes is clear, but fortunately, so is the solution.
Everyone first needs to get the message, “You’re not entitled!” at least not to non-essential things you have not earned. While this may come as a blow to some, there is a positive side to the realization that one is not entitled. The positive side is the simultaneous realization that most of us do have many good things and people in our lives, not because we are entitled to have them but because we’ve been the recipients of many gifts along the way. We’ve been given talents and abilities that we have used to acquire the things we’ve needed and many things we’ve wanted, not because we were entitled to those talents and abilities and things but because we were blessed. We’ve been helped and in some cases been given things outright by others, not because we were entitled to their help or to those things, but because those people were generous and because they liked us. We’ve been given the opportunities to spend time with and even share in the lives of people who are important to us, not because we’re entitled to their time and attention, but because they love us. Realizing how much we’re not entitled to have but still do have should fill us with a sense of appreciation, a “gratitude attitude,” which is the antithesis of an entitlement attitude and serves people far better in every major aspect of their lives – materially, educationally, professionally and interpersonally.
On the material side of life, a gratitude attitude works far better for people than an entitlement attitude. While entitlement attitudes cause people to focus on what they do not have, those half-empty glasses that they believe they deserve to have filled, gratitude attitudes cause people to focus on what they do have, those half-full glasses that they appreciate for not being empty. This simple reversal of focus reduces the temptation to spend irresponsibly by diminishing the importance of acquiring that which we don’t yet have. Focusing on what one has also helps people identify and then develop the unique talents and abilities they have, which is the healthy path to the material things we desire in life.
Likewise, in their academic and professional lives, gratitude attitudes get people much further than entitlement attitudes. While entitlement attitudes cause people to overestimate their strengths, underestimate their weaknesses and assert themselves inappropriately, gratitude attitudes cause people to evaluate themselves honestly and critically, seek and accept the mentorship and guidance of others who have greater knowledge and experience, and take pride in exceeding others’ expectations. Likewise, while expecting to be handed opportunities and rewards encourages inappropriate assertiveness, being appreciative of opportunities encourages people to assert themselves appropriately, when they can make or demonstrate a real contribution. Compared to entitlement attitudes in school or in the workplace, gratitude attitudes encourage people to behave in ways that are far more likely to lead to continuous improvement and advancement.
Gratitude attitudes serve people far better than entitlement attitudes in their personal lives as well. Being appreciative of others in our lives takes the focus off of what they do for us and puts the focus on what we do for them. People with entitlement attitudes tend to judge their worth based upon how much others are doing or sacrificing for them. Gratitude attitudes, on the other hand, cause people to judge their worth based upon how much of a contribution they are making to people they care about and to the broader communities in which they live. Despite the contrary messages with which our popular culture bombards us, positive psychology researchers like Dr. Martin Seligman have found that people who are truly, “authentically” happy in life usually get that way not by focusing on taking as much as they can for themselves but by doing things that have meaningful, positive, lasting effects on others.
Like entitlement attitudes, gratitude attitudes can be taught and fostered by parents, but they also can be self-taught and self-fostered by adults who are committed to shifting their own attitudes from entitlement to gratitude. How?
Step 1: Teach and recognize the difference between needs and wants. This step is best taken early in life, but even if you’re taking it a little later, there’s a tremendous sense of relief that comes from realizing how many of the things you’ve been chasing in life are things that you can be just fine without.
Step 2: Teach and practice appreciation of needs that have been met. This means stop, look around, take inventory, and be conscious of how blessed you truly are if you don’t have to worry about whether you’re going to eat today and where you’re going to spend tonight.
Step 3: Teach and practice gratitude for needs that have been met. Step 2 is to recognize them. Step 3 is to be thankful – to those who’ve provided for you and to the source of your ability to provide for yourself.
Step 4: Teach and practice putting people first. This means recognizing that other people’s time and attention and love mean far more in life than things and that our greatest, truest happiness comes not from things but from being meaningful to others. In general, our attachments to things should be extremely loose compared to our attachments to those we love and care about.
Step 5: Teach and practice appreciation of wants that have been met. Again, this means to stop, look around, take inventory, and be conscious of how truly blessed you are if you have things that you don’t need that make your life easier or more enjoyable.
Step 6: Teach and practice gratitude for wants that have been met. Step 5 is to recognize them. Step 6 is to be thankful – again, to those who’ve been generous to you and to the source of your ability to be generous to yourself.
Step 7: Teach and practice the regular and sincere expression of gratitude to those who have helped meet needs or wants.
Step 8: Be comfortable and teach your kids to be comfortable having unmet wants. Wants are motivating, but people should be able to tolerate and even enjoy the time spent attaining them. It’s about having that essential ability to delay gratification. If having unmet wants makes you or your children uncomfortable, Steps 1 and 4 might need some additional work.
Step 9: Teach and practice generosity and the reciprocation of generosity. This means doing nice things for people who’ve done nice things for us, and following their examples with others we encounter.
Step 10: Teach and practice unconditional respect but esteem commensurate with behavior and assertiveness only when there is true entitlement. In other words, treat yourself and others with dignity always and with admiration when it’s deserved, and assert claims only to things that you truly are owed.
Bottom line: In general, you’re not entitled, but you’re probably blessed, and recognizing both will serve you well in life!
Read Part 1, “How ‘entitlement attitudes’ harm America”
Brian Russell is a licensed psychologist, attorney at law and familiar national television pundit on psychological, legal and cultural issues.
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