Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“Look, you need a little gallows humor to keep sane, given the mess we inherited from the Republicans,” President Barack Obama told a group of favored reporters recently.
“Sure, I shouldn’t have said my bowling was ‘like Special Olympics,’ but really, it was all in fun. A lot of my developmentally disabled friends actually got a big kick out of it.”
“What developmentally disabled friends?” asked the NBC correspondent.
“Lots of them,” replied the president. “Trust me on this, OK?”
“OK,” said the correspondent meekly.
“Can’t we concentrate on the positive steps of the last 60 days?” asked the president. “Like my executive order on embryonic stem cell research. Michael J. Fox – you know, the actor – called me up to congratulate me. I said – haha – ‘Hey, Michael! – hahaha – What’s shakin’?’ Get it? He’s got Parkinson’s disease. Shakin’! Hahahahaha.”
“Oh,” said the CBS correspondent. “I get it. Heh heh. But you’re still taking a lot of flak on your budget.”
“Well, as I explained to the American people, I’ve been as busy as a one-armed paper hanger,” said Obama, “uh, uh, been hopping around like a one-legged basketball player.”
“Whoa!” exclaimed the man from CBS. “You’re going to offend amputees, including many of our brave soldiers, sailors and Marines.”
“Offend amputees?” said the president. “You’re right. What I meant to say was, the budget has been very challenging, what with figuring out how much more we have to spend to reduce the deficit.
“And the GOP wants us to forgo efforts to reform health care and to establish a real alternative energy program. But as they say at the Alzheimer’s clinic, ‘Forget about it!’ hahahaha. Get it?!”
“Heavens, Mr. President,” said the correspondent from ABC, “Alzheimer’s is hardly a laughing matter to millions of Americans.”
“Oh? Really?” said Obama. “Well, I hope I can count on you to forget I said that. “Of course,” said the ABC reporter.
“Yeah,” said the president. “I see now that some might find such gallows humor insensitive. Well, you’ve got to stay on your toes, like a hahaha, like a midget at a …”
“Mr. President!” interrupted a New York Times reporter, “you can’t say that!”
“Offend the little people, eh?” said Obama.
“Certainly,” said the Times man. “Can we move on to something else?”
“Sure,” said the president, lighting a cigarette.
The Times man continued, “Republicans are saying . . .”
But Obama broke in, speaking through a puff of smoke, “Never mind the Republicans. They’re so impotent up on the Hill, their favorite song is ‘Viva Viagra.’ They’ve got as much chance of stopping my program as a psoriasis patient has of winning a bikini contest.”
“Geez! Mr. President,” said a commentator from MSNBC, “Impotence is a big problem for a lot of men, who have to overcome their embarrassment even to talk to a doctor about it. And haven’t you heard about the heartbreak of psoriasis?”
“OK, OK,” said Obama, exasperated. “I thought you guys had a sense of humor, but if I miss the mark, I can count on you not to report it, right? I mean, with ’60 Minutes,’ I was right there on camera when that ‘Special Olympics’ jest slipped out. But here, we’re just talking among friends, right? Right?”
There was general assent, and the Times man said, “Naturally, Mr. President. But you should remember what happened to Earl Butz. One racist joke and Nixon and Ford’s secretary of agriculture was O-U-T. We had to report it, because we have our ethics to consider, you know.”
“But, but . . . he was a Republican,” said the president.
“Well, yeah,” said the Times man. “I guess you can count on all of us to protect you from yourself.”
There were murmurs of assent from all present, and the president grinned, “Thanks. You’re a great group of typical white people. … Hahahahahahahahahah”
“Mr. President!” the assembly gasped as one.
President Obama has allowed that he “inherited” the nation’s problems from the administration of George W. Bush. When will he acknowledge he has inherited success in Iraq?
