Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
It’s true. California’s Air Resources Board was considering a ban on black cars. It’s safe to conclude board members chickened out in the face of public outrage, but they were considering such a ban. Concerned, we sought an interview with Howard Bashford, the board’s chief of dialectical conformity.
He kept us waiting in his office anteroom for some time, and when his secretary told us to go on in, he kept us waiting some minutes more, an interval that afforded an opportunity to examine his quarters. It didn’t take long, for his office was sparsely furnished. There was a straight chair for visitors, a plain, metal table, and at one end of the office a curious, rather wide furnishing we took to be a lectern, but might have been an altar.
When Bashford entered, we were shocked to see him clad in a light green chasuble – the priestly poncho – surmounted by what may only be described as a kind of environmental ephod, a thin wooden plaque inscribed with representations of trees, birds, animals and fish. On his head was a soft, velvet cap of the same shade as the vestment.
He took station behind the lectern/altar and intoned, “How may we help you, my son.”
“What the devil are you wearing?” we demanded.
Bashford dropped the sacerdotal demeanor, spread his arms wide and pirouetted.
“You like it?” he asked. “We aren’t going to start wearing these in public until we’ve run some focus groups, but we think they’re rather smart. They symbolize our dedication to the holy environment and – perhaps even more importantly – our unbiased determination to do what we know is best for the citizens of this great state.”
“But you look like a kind of dime-store pope!” we exclaimed.
“That’s it!” he said. “That’s just the effect we’re looking for – a kind of implied infallibility.”
Getting grip on our emotions, we moved to the matter at hand.
“All right,” we said. “Why do you think you have a right to tell the people what color their cars can be?”
“Well, it’s simple, isn’t it?” he said. “We believe automobile manufacturers not only must meet paint reflectivity standards, but also include a statement in the owner’s manual to the effect that failure to use a specified paint may impact the occupant’s thermal comfort.”
He fell into a kind of chant: “Dark colors, hot cars. Hot cars, thermal discomfort. Thermal discomfort, air conditioning. Air conditioning, worse mileage. Worse mileage, more pollution … Ahhhhhmen.”
Falling back into conversational mode, he added, “Anyway, we’re holding off on the black paint ban because we feel that by 2015 there will be a black paint that meets our reflectivity standard.”
“How did you arrive at that date?” we asked.
“It was a revelation,” he replied.
“But the board is pushing ahead with reflectivity standards for auto glass,” we pressed, “as specified in the proposed new Sub article 9, sections 95600 to 95606, title 17, California Code of Regulations?”
“Yes,” he said.
“And eventually the ARB plans to impose paint reflectivity standards, including a requirement that manufacturers ‘maintain records of the infrared reflectance and direct solar reflectance for each color system offered for 10 years after the end of that model year’?”
“Yes, that, too,” he said, then snapped, “Hey! Wait a minute. That’s a direct quote from the proposed new Sub article 9, sections 95600 to 95606, title 17, California Code of Regulations. That’s still in draft form! It says right at the top, ‘Do not cite or quote.’ Can’t you read?!”
With that, he produced an aspergill from his robes and began to wave it over his head, splattering me with water.
“Cleanse him! Cleanse him!” he shouted, and we became rather apprehensive.
As suddenly as he had begun this demonstration, he stopped and eyed us closely.
“You’re hyperventilating,” he said quietly. “Hyperventilation increases your carbon dioxide emissions. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to put this plastic bag over your head.”
But we were already running for the door, and we didn’t stop running until we were outside the ARB edifice, breathing hard enough to pump way more than our share of CO2 into the atmosphere.
The California Air Resources Board is an unelected, and thus, unaccountable, legislative body that promulgates laws – labeled regulations – on any matter it deems to have a potential effect on the atmosphere. To call its approach fanatical would be to understate the case.
It’s proposed “cool car standards” would add 10 pages to the Golden State’s rule book for automobile manufacturers, covering everything from paint reflectivity to exemptions for “graphic designs, such as logos, letters, numbers and other graphics, applied to a compliant painted or coated surface.”
Whoops! There we go again, quoting when admonished not to quote.
This demonstrates how important it is for the news media to report not only the finished products of such agencies, but also the flights of fancy they consider seriously during the drafting process. Without such scrutiny, their wild-hare ideas are apt to be sprung on the public fully formed – like Athena from the brow of Zeus – and wired for quick adoption.
