The Obama administration – true to its penchant for changing the names of things – is trying to stop using the word "swine" in swine flu because U.S. pork producers have found out the hard way that the name of the virus spreading from Mexico is affecting their business.
If you pay attention to these kinds of things, you may have noticed that Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano and Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack have been calling it the "H1N1 virus" for some time now to try and avoid the impression that it's a food-borne illness.
Somebody forgot to tell Joe Biden, however, because last week when he was inadvertently advising Americans to avoid airplanes, subways and whatever doctor put in his hair plugs, Biden referred to it as "swine flu" on numerous occasions. The White House then issued a correction on behalf of Biden (along with a pre-emptive correction for any future things that come out of his mouth). The White House said that the veep was only referring to travel to and from Mexico … you know, on that vast U.S./Mexico subway system.
As far as aiding pork producers, I'm all for helping keep businesses from being victimized by the uninformed (many voters can empathize because the same thing often happens to us on Election Day), so maybe a different name for swine flu is in order. But what should it be?
The Obama administration has already stopped using the terms "terrorism" (now "man-caused disasters") and "war on terror" (now "overseas contingency operation"), so it should have no problem coming up with a different name for "swine flu."
How about "virus-caused disasters"? "Rosie O'Donnell fever"? The "Arnold Ziffel sniffles"? "Arlen Specter"?
As it turns out, Napolitano and Vilsack aren't alone in their disenchantment with the "swine flu" label. Israel has already rejected the name swine flu, opting to call it "Mexico flu." The pigs are happy, but now somebody in Israel could be about to get a visit from La Raza.
The Paris-based World Organization for Animal Health also objected to the name "swine flu," saying the virus contains avian and human components and no pig so far has been found ill with the disease. Translation: The name "swine flu" reeks of pigophobia.
U.S. pork producers are saying that the name "swine flu" is hurting their business, so the government is telling Americans that pork is safe to eat and to keep consuming it. Isn't the government that's now pushing pork on us the same one that's always telling us we're way too fat? Mixed messages: the new white meat.
If the name of the flu makes people have an aversion to whatever said flu is named after, why doesn't the Obama administration just call it "tobacco flu" or the "tax cuts fever"? Just a thought.
If the pork industry continues to be harmed by the name "swine flu," are you thinking what I'm thinking? "Pork bailout!" Soon we may be told that the industry is "too pig to fail."
It's always been obvious that you can't catch "swine flu" from pork. Anybody who's been paying attention in the past few years could tell you that. If you could catch the disease from pork, much of Congress would be in Bethesda Naval Hospital heaving their worthless guts out right now.
I love pork. I also love sausage, pork chops and barbeque. The fact that it never occurred to me to stop eating these things because of the "swine flu" means that I either bothered to learn about the facts about this virus, or am willing to die for bacon. Truth be told, I think it's a little of both.
But at least New Yorkers can pat the current administration on the back for alleviating their flu virus worries at least for a little while, thanks to the panic created by the unannounced 747 presidential plane and fighter jet escort that buzzed Manhattan like somebody was trying to get an official up-skirt photograph of the Statue of Liberty. The good news for the president and his staff is that, if there were any swine flu (sorry, I mean H1N1 virus) remnants remaining on that jet from an earlier visit to Mexico, Lady Liberty would be doubled-over and nauseous by now, but she's not, so everyone at the White House is in the clear.
Take comfort in the fact that we're in competent hands now that this current batch of politicians and political appointees are tackling the issue of swine. We've finally found a crisis they're fully qualified to handle.