Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
We know from ample news reports that virtually no United States congressman or senator – let alone the president – has read the health insurance “reform” bill. From this simple fact, we are able to deduce that none of them wrote it, either.
Yet it has been written, rewritten and is being rewritten yet again. Based on this fact, we can say without fear of contradiction that somebody is writing it. Otherwise, how did the bill’s 1,000-plus pages appear?
We had a vague idea who was attempting the health-care coup in 1993. Hillary Clinton was in charge of a secret conclave of like-minded socialists charged with drafting the proposed law. As the Washington press corps (laziest press corps in the nation) hasn’t dug out who actually is putting fingers to computer keyboard, we did our own digging and found the man at the heart of the project.
His name is Howard Bashford.
Bashford has no formal title, and though his quarters are in a windowless complex off the corridor between the House and Senate office buildings, he refused to say whether he worked for the House, the Senate or the White House. However, pride of authorship precluded his denying responsibility for the task.
“Yes,” he told us, “I and my staff of about 100 dedicated writers – each assigned to produce a paragraph or two – have the honor of drafting the health-care reform bill.”
We asked if he wasn’t a bit hurt that only individual citizens and talk-radio hosts had read the thing, and he answered, “Not at all. The lawmakers are only concerned only with the broad concept. We’re the detail people.”
“OK,” we said, “Can you tell us what this detail means?” And we read from the bill: “A qualified health benefits plan that uses a provider network for items and services shall meet such standards respecting provider networks as the commissioner may establish to assure the adequacy of such networks in ensuring enrollee access to such items and services and transparency in the cost-sharing differentials between in-network coverage and out-of-network coverage.”
“Isn’t that beautiful?” Bashford said, smiling. “Jill Poke wrote that, and she isn’t even a lawyer. It’s so hard to understand, who will even try? Want to hear another? Try this: ‘In the case of health insurance coverage not offered through the Health Insurance Exchange (whether or not offered in connection with an employment-based health plan), and in the case of employment-based health plans, the requirements of this title do not supercede (sic) any requirements applicable under titles XXII and XXVII of the Public Health Service Act, parts 6 and 7 of subtitle B of title I of the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974, or State law, except insofar as such requirements prevent the application of a requirement of this division, as determined by the Commissioner.’
“You like it? It packs 98 words into a single sentence. I believe that came from the desk of Amy Handleman.”
“Did you write any of the bill yourself?” we asked, and Bashford blushed.
“I’m really supposed to be the top administrator here,” he said, “but I just had to put my personal stamp on some of the writing. Here, look at this. I get too choked up to read it aloud.”
He handed us the following paragraph: “Each health insurance issuer that offers health insurance coverage in the small or large group market shall provide that for any plan year in which the coverage has a medical loss ratio below a level specified by the Secretary, the issuer shall provide in a manner specified by the Secretary for rebates to enrollees of payment sufficient to meet such loss ratio. Such methodology shall be set at the highest level medical loss ratio possible that is designed to ensure adequate participation by issuers, competition in the health insurance market, and value for consumers so that their premiums are used for services.”
All we could say was “Wow!” When we looked up, we saw that Bashford had taken out a handkerchief and was dabbing tears from his eyes.
“Thank you!” he said. “Thank you! It affects me the same way. I know you, a man of discernment and letters, can tell that verbiage like this is so mind-numbing, so beyond understanding, nobody will make the effort to forge through it. It will become law, and our mission will be accomplished.”
“Wow!” we said again. “That’s really … something. Tell us who wrote this: ‘The Commissioner shall conduct outreach activities consistent with subsection (c), including through use of appropriate entities as described in paragraph (4) of such subsection, to inform and educate individuals and employers about the Health Insurance Exchange and Exchange-participating health benefits plan options. Such outreach shall include outreach specific to vulnerable populations, such as children, individuals with disabilities, individuals with mental illness, and individuals with other cognitive impairments.”
“That’s Jill again,” said Bashford, beaming proudly. “It doesn’t say so directly (what does?) but we put it in for a really special group.”
“What group is that?” we asked.
Bashford replied, smiling once more, “members of Congress.”
In contrast to the convoluted and opaque verbiage of the health “reform” bill was a comment by a caller to a radio talk show. He asked why so-called liberals demand that government keep its hands off the bodies of women seeking abortions, yet advocate a bill that would put government hands into all health-care decisions? Look under “H,” for hypocrisy.
