You got that right

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

"Man! Do I hate the Internet!" exclaimed Amy Handleman, top aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

"You got that right," agreed Jill Poke, who held the analogous position in the office of House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.

The two were lunching in the Capitol cafeteria following last week's vote to "disapprove" of Rep. Joe Wilson's two-word outburst during President Barack Obama's address on health-care reform.

"The right wing didn't waste any time posting and re-posting video of Democrats booing and heckling George W. Bush during his 2005 state-of-the-union address," said Poke. "They're saying we breached decorum."

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"Yeah," said Handleman, "and they put up that video of Pete Stark, too."

Poke looked at her quizzically, and Handleman explained, "Speaking on the House floor, Stark twice referred to Bush 'lies.' When he was done, the chair reminded all the members not to engage in personal attacks."

"All this stuff on the 'Net is intended to make us look like hypocrites," said Poke. "A lot of people won't understand the difference between heckling Bush and heckling Obama."

"For sure," said Handleman. "Bush really was a liar, and Obama just wants to do what's best for America. Besides, when it comes to decorum, what really matters is the last election."

"How's that?" asked Poke.

"We won!" chirped Handleman, and Poke responded, "Right. We won!"

The two clicked together their glasses of diet cola, then dug into their Cobb salads.

"Man! Do I hate the Internet!" exclaimed Howard Bashford.

"You got that right," agreed Hampton Gilliland III.

Bashford, New York Times sub-sub-editor for suppression of inconvenient news, and Gilliland, one of the Times' stable of reporters with two last names, were chowing down in the newspapers' lunch room following Van Jones' midnight exit from his White House job.

"With all the important news that's really 'fit to print,' we had to allocate precious space to the Jones story," said Gilliland. "It's all because the news website that must not be named kept running stories about his past – as though a federal appointee's background were important."

"Yeah," said Bashford, "and then talk radio got on Jones' case. Man! Do I hate talk radio!"

"You got that right," said Gilliland.

"At least we were able to downplay Jones' communism," Bashford continued. "I made sure we printed that other people had called him a commie – omitting his own statement that he was one – and I made sure we called him 'a relatively minor figure' in the Obama administration."

"Sure," chuckled Gilliland, "a minor 'czar.' You know, they ought to have an Internet czar."

"Could happen," said Bashford.

"Hmmmm. That might be a worry for us in the mainstream media," mused Gilliland. "Suppose Obama wanted to control the information we disseminate?"

"Why should he?" asked Bashford. "He already has you and me."

And the two went back to their egg salad sandwiches.

"Man! I hate the Internet!" exclaimed President Barack Obama.

"Me too! You got that right!" echoed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

"Me three!" chimed the always jocular Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

"I particularly hate the news website that must not be named," said the president. "It keeps posting things about my health-care reform that just aren't true."

"Yes!" said the speaker. "It even quotes the actual language of the bill. It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen. Imagine reinforcing people's fear that the bill will do exactly what it says!"

"It's no better than hate speech," agreed the majority leader.

"You may have something there," said Obama. "After all, the news website that must not be named – and talk radio – forced me to get rid of poor Van Jones, thereby adding to the black unemployment rate, which already is higher than that of whites."

"You could call it a hate crime," suggested Reid.

"Yes, yes!" said Pelosi, who then began to sniffle into a fine, linen handkerchief. "Those stories – and the talk radio follow-up – they're the kind of thing that could lead to violence, like the assassinations of San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor What's-His-Name Moscone."

"And riots!" cried Reid. "Why, just imagine what would have happened if the 400 misinformed people who demonstrated in Washington Sept. 12 had responded to their leaders' incitement."

"Let's talk this over some more after lunch," said the president, and the three turned to a buffet of finger sandwiches, salads, petit fours and a selection of fine American wines and beers.