Greetings, friends!
Welcome once again to the highly anticipated roundup of some of the funniest news of the year, the 2009 edition.
It’s really a shame not to have that clown, George W. Bush, around anymore, but it appears another bozo is already doing his best in the role of buffoon in chief.
We start with this.
Barack Hussein the Ogler. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
 President Obama and French President Sarkozy focus on their effort to excite the economy. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The economy. |
This photo snapped at the summertime G8 Summit appears to show the presidents of the U.S. and France admiring some natural scenery. It was immortalized with a fitting headline on the Drudge Report.
In all fairness, watching video of the event may provide a slightly different picture of what really happened. Nevertheless, the still image had plenty wondering if this is what Obama meant by his theme of “Hope.”
It’s a good thing he didn’t pull one of his famous “bow down” incidents at that moment. And what possibly could be going through his mind during his glance?
“Mmm, mmm, mmm!”
Do you have your papers, please … ?
The U.S. Secret Service came under fire this fall for allowing a “gatecrashing” couple to enter the White House without proper credentials.
The crashers were described as a Washington, D.C., power couple who have a love affair with publicity.
In case you never saw this gatecrashing, dynamic duo, here they are:
 This D.C. power couple amazed the nation by somehow making it into the White House without producing legitimate credentials. |
The gatecrashing incident, combined with the president’s refusal to release his hospital-generated birth certificate, led to a series of parodies across America, including this:
Even Big Bird became a Big Birther, demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate on TV’s “Sesame Street,” or at least a “Tonight Show” redubbed version of the children’s show.
As first lady Michelle Obama appeared on the program, the legendary character kept harping on the eligibility of the current White House occupant. Take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82j163In9wk
Laughter is the best medicine
It’s hard to smile when outrage is rampant, but the national dispute over health care this year created plenty of opportunity for satire and some therapeutic giggling.
Among the best is this parody of the classic Hitler movie “Downfall,” as the Nazi dictator goes ballistic over Obamacare:
My favorite line from the fuhrer’s fury is: “The so-called Messiah said there are 57 states. Well, where are the seven others? Maybe he added the seven continents to his empire.”
‘I’m lovin’ it!’
 Latreasa Goodman: I deserve a break today |
The feathers flew in Florida in February when a Fort Pierce woman phoned the fuzz because McDonald’s ran out of Chicken McNuggets.
“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” Latreasa Goodman reportedly told police.
Goodman actually called the cops three times over the flap, and eventually was charged for misuse of the 9-1-1 system. As expected, some poignant comments from the reading public:
- “Talk about a case of dumb and more dumb. They should have arrested the clerk as well for suspicion of stupid.”
- “And when I think I have heard the story of the stupidest person in the world, someone comes up with another one. Question….. can one get welfare for no common sense? I sure hope we taxpayers don’t have to pay to keep this idiot in McNuggets.”
- “What does she expect? Did Obama say he was going to put McNuggets in every pot?”
Say cheese! (or maybe not)
So you think you’ve seen bad mugshots before, huh?
Well, you probably haven’t seen Dale Alan Lee, my nominee for mugshot of the decade:
 Dale Alan Lee lets everyone know how important it is to smile for a jail booking photo. |
According to the sheriff’s office in Pasco County, Fla., this 43-year-old fine specimen of humanity was arrested Aug. 30 and charged with drug violations as well as aggravated battery.
Just by looking at the photo, methinks he lost the fight. There’s something haunting about this image. It’s like a train wreck from which you just can’t peel away your eyes.
And are those his top or bottom teeth?
Minds in the gutter?
 An undercover police officer demonstrates proper celebration form after bowling a strike on a video game during a drug bust. (WFLA-TV) |
From the pinhead file, if you ever wondered what police officers do in their spare time, this story should be right up your alley.
In March, a group of undercover officers in Lakeland, Fla., stormed the home of a convicted drug dealer.
But once agents discovered a video bowling game on a big-screen TV, it seems they quickly lost interest in detective work and engaged in a Wii bit of fun, courtesy of Nintendo.
A home-security camera snagged some of the agents bowling away to their hearts’ content. (Click here for video).
“I’m not pleased that they played that Wii bowling game,” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. “But I am less pleased with the supervision that didn’t walk in and say, turn that off.”
At least the drug team has a new nickname: “Strike force.”
Blasts from the past
Yes, it’s time for the annual breaking-wind news, and we’ll start with a guy who broke not only wind, but also his marriage vows and Cadillac SUV.
That’s right. Golfing great Tiger Woods, who, when not chillin’ with his harem or crashing into fire hydrants, was apparently doing some fragrant putting within earshot of CBS microphones at the Buick Open.
Here’s the video recap from “Good Day L.A.”:
 Jonathan Locke, Jr. |
Then there’s the case of Jonathan Locke, Jr., an eighth-grader at the Bill Duncan Excel Center in South Lakeland, Fla.
According to a misbehavior form written by the student’s bus driver, “Jonathan passes gas on the bus to make the other children laugh and it is so stink [sic] that you can’t breathe after he does it.”
Hence, the 15-year-old was ordered to keep his tush off the bus for three days.
“It wasn’t even me,” Locke squeaked to the Lakeland Ledger. “It was a kid who sits in front of me.”
Ah, yes. The old “blame-it-on-the-kid-who-sits-in-front-of-me” ploy.
A reader who saw the story online speculated: “Maybe the bus driver is jealous that she can’t rip ’em like that! I bet the bus was like a popcorn machine! And look at his pic! He’s trying to squeeze one out there too!”
But the flatulence that’s really a gas comes from Medina, Ohio, where during the course of a city-council meeting, someone proffered the winds of change.
While some thought the noise was fake, the Cleveland Plain Dealer insists it was, in fact, real.
“It was one of the most entertaining council meetings I’ve had in my whole life,” Medina Mayor Jane Leaver said. “They started echoing off the walls, and we couldn’t keep it together.”
Baste makes waste
 Stephanie Lighten and her “wife,” Jennifer Lighten on MySpace |
Having a baby is a wonderful thing. So wonderful, in fact, that a Massachusetts lesbian sought to have her “wife” become pregnant.
But aware of basic biology, she realized the need to take an alternate route to bring about a little bundle of joy.
That’s when, according to the Berkshire Eagle, Mrs. Stephanie Lighten tried to use a homemade turkey baster to fertilize her female spouse Jennifer with her brother’s personal seasoning.
Police say the turkey baster was actually a large syringe with a catheter tip, and was still in its original package when confiscated.
Though Stephanie was arrested, Jennifer later declined to pursue a charge of assault with intent to rape because she did not believe “Stephanie was going to sexually assault her with the syringe,” Detective Thomas Harrington said.
I’m not sure what we can take away from this fowl scenario. Perhaps that “Beauty is in the thigh of the beholder.”
All wigged out
There was a furocious fashion trend this year in the animal kingdom: new hairdos that were all the rage.
 This kitten became a supermodel in “Glamourpuss” (click image for gallery) photo: Jill Johnson |
A new book called “Glamourpuss” had felines sporting purrfect hairdos in a wide variety of colors. Author Julie Jackson of Dallas said, “Most of the cats enjoy the adventure of donning a wig and escaping to a fantasy world. They really enjoy all the attention it brings them.”
And for those who like to strut their stuff, we were given horses with hair extensions.
 “I enjoy romantic dinners by candlelight and moonlit strolls on the beach. Call me!” (Barcroft Media) |
Photographer Julian Wolkenstein admitted it was no trot in the park getting this mane event accomplished: “We had to rethink everything because it not only took a long time to work with the hair but the horse completely freaked out with the lights.”
Wolf gets Blitzered on ‘Jeopardy!’
Virtually everyone thinks they’re smarter than the people who bring us the evening news.
And that brings us to Wolf Blitzer. The longtime CNN anchor proved there’s some actual truth to that, when the bearded broadcaster demonstrated how not to perform well on celebrity “Jeopardy.”
Wolfie had many howling when he gave wrong answer after wrong answer, such as saying Jerusalem is the birthplace of Jesus and King David. (The correct location is Bethlehem.)
Wolf was blitzed by his competition, actress Dana Delaney and Conan O’Brien’s sidekick Andy Richter, and he ended the Double Jeopardy round $4,600 in the hole.
Blitzer actually had to be given extra cash just to be able to take part in Final Jeopardy.
Even in the rehearsal before the show, it’s obvious Blitzer was out of his league:
One online commenter suggested Blitzer would have won had the categories been:
- Name that czar
- Reasons Obama is the greatest president ever
- Stories CNN won’t cover because it will hurt Obama or the Democrats
- Times when a person is a racist when criticizing Obama
My big fat black lady
Not since “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” has being big and fat received so much attention.
But that’s what happened to a California woman whose gasoline receipt noted she was a “big fat black lady.”
 The official documentation concerning Helen Hodges |
It began with a mix-up over which pump Helen Hodges was using to fuel up her car. When she was getting the matter sorted out, she was handed the receipt with the larger-than-life message.
 Helen Hodges not exactly sure why people think she’s “big fat” |
“It says ‘black lady,’ and I can understand that because I am a black lady,” Hodges told the ABC affiliate in Sacramento. “But I don’t get ‘big fat.’ I don’t get that part.”
Sweet Jesus
The annual appearances by what some people believe is the face of Jesus didn’t let up in 2009.
Perhaps the most delicious one appeared inside this Kit Kat bar:
 Is the face of Jesus shrouded in chocolate? |
“I was amazed. I just took a bite and then I saw the face of Christ in it,” the finder told the Dutch website NU.nl. Other witnesses were less impressed, with one noting, “It looks more like Darth Vader.”
Meanwhile in Jonesborough, Tenn., all eyes were on a pickup truck belonging to Jim Stevens.
 Jim Stevens gazes at an image of what some say is Jesus, or perhaps 1970s singer Dan Fogelberg |
It seems every day when morning dew would appear on his vehicle’s window, a clear image of a man would appear. The image would disappear when the moisture was gone.
“However, when the dew returns the next morning so does the image on the window. Even rolling the window up and down has not stopped it from reappearing,” noted the Johnson City Press.
“Of course, I’m not going to wash it,” said Stevens, whose vehicle could now perhaps be classified as a holy roller.
Can’t bear the news
Finally, if you’re one who thinks local TV news stories are full of you-know-what, you’ll probably enjoy what some are calling “the single greatest news report ever.”
It was aired in Cleveland, where WJW reporter Todd Meany re-enacted a bear-sighting by an Ohio woman. The report starts off looking like any typical news story, but takes a bizarre turn midway through.
With a real bear unavailable for re-creating the incident, Meany actually uses a cardboard cut-out, and proceeds to show how the creature would look scampering through the woods and climbing trees, explaining, “This is what the bear probably looked like. Except real:”
With more than 600,000 views on YouTube, people can bearly contain themselves with both positive and negative thoughts:
- “Did the bear [poop] in the woods?”
- “If this is actually real, we – as a people – need to organize and
violently revolt against the media. We can’t take this [expletive] any
more.”
- “Absolutely hilarious! I would have so much more respect for local newscasts if more stories were like this.”
- “I’m soooo glad they had these diagrams to show me how the bear moves, what they may look like if they climb trees, and what they’d look like if they were plywood cut-outs.”
- “This man deserves an Emmy for taking something that’d usually put you to sleep and making it memorable. Well done.”
- “This is the most amazing thing ever.”
And that brings us to the end of 2009.
Here’s wishing you all the best for 2010, when we all hope Kanye West will storm on stage and steal the teleprompter from the occupier in chief.
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Previous columns:
2000: All the news that’s fun to print
The insanity of net-zero carbon emissions
Patrice Lewis