Keep your pants on, America!

A few weeks ago I had a nightmare of a day.

One of our cows was in heat and we didn't want the bull to breed her because we didn't want a calf born in the middle of winter. But bulls, as everyone knows, are notoriously single-minded when it comes to hormones.

In the end, the bull won and the cow got bred. This is animal nature, folks, and sometimes you can't do anything to stop it.

But I like to think humans are above animals in that respect. Sure, we have hormones just like cattle. But unlike animals, humans have the ability to think and reason. This allows us to control our urges and do what is best for ourselves and for society.

Cattle cannot. They can only submit to their instincts.

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Right now feminists are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Pill, lauding its effects and congratulating society for allowing women to act like rutting cattle. See how far we've advanced in the past half-century?

Recently, a friend in Oregon was driving with her three homeschooled teenagers when they passed a billboard depicting a smiling, wholesome-looking young woman. "Take Care of Yourself!" announced the billboard (sponsored by – surprise – Planned Parenthood). "Free Birth Control!"

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Outraged, my friend and her kids started bandying counter-slogans and came up with this: "Keep Your Pants On, America!" I think it's brilliant.

Just think of the implications if America kept its pants on. If women kept their bloomers buttoned. If men kept their wick zipped.

But no, instead we got the Pill, lauded by feminists the world over for allowing us to rut like cattle.

"For the first time in human history," says Letty Cottin Pogrebin, a founding editor of Ms. Magazine, "a woman could control her sexuality and determine her readiness for reproduction by swallowing a pill smaller than an aspirin. Critics warned that the Pill would spawn generations of loose, immoral women; what it spawned was generations of empowered women who are better equipped to make rational choices about their lives."

Empowered, that's it. Women acting like rutting cattle are empowered.

Proponents of the Pill point out the ability for couples to plan their families rather than having more kids than they can support. While the Pill has undoubtedly been used for this, it's pretty obvious the majority of women who take it aren't planning families with their husbands. They're single women enjoying the freedom to rut like cattle with no side effects. And if there should be a "side effect," then Planned "Parenthood" (what a laughable name) stands in the wings waiting to "liberate" them. Gosh, I feel empowered.

Economic historian Claudia Goldin says, "The Pill was a great 'enabler.' With the Pill, large numbers of college women could embark on careers that involved long-term, up-front time commitments in education and training as physicians, lawyers, veterinarians, managers and academics, among others. The Pill fostered women's careers by effectively lowering the costs of training."

Well, for Pete's sake, it's the easiest thing in the world to obtain all the education and career advancements you want. You simply keep your pants on. But this isn't good enough for "liberated" women. Somehow they've concluded that mindless rutting is empowering.

No less a person than sex icon Raquel Welch, who was in a unique position during the '60s and '70s to see the true effects of the Pill's benefits, admits its failures. She said a "significant and enduring" effect on women was the idea that they could have sex without any consequences – with the result that fewer today saw marriage as a "viable option."

She adds, "Seriously, folks, if an aging sex symbol like me starts waving the red flag of caution over how low moral standards have plummeted, you know it's gotta be pretty bad."

Feminists who applaud the Pill forget that multiple sexual partners and responsibility-free rutting causes mental, emotional and spiritual pain to women. We are no longer held up as something pure and beautiful through our maiden years. We lost our dignity and nobility. Courtship and vows went by the wayside. We've been reduced to the sum of our body parts, with our favors offered freely to uncommitted men for their use. Feeling empowered yet?

My friend who created the "Keep Your Pants On" slogan notes, "The business of promoting 'safe sex' to kids is clearly promoting kids having sex.  This isn't just moral decay, this is planned market development and sales. Start 'em young, groom 'em right, and you have a forever ready cash crop of 20-somethings who will keep forking over cash." Hard to argue with that, since Planned "Parenthood" blatantly encourages teens to have sex, then offers "solutions" when girls become "victims" of unplanned pregnancies.

I've seen the argument that sex is a natural part of human nature and to deny our urges is stupid and old-fashioned. "Why is sex made to be this big, sacred thing?" asks an Irish reader commenting on Welch's article. "It's completely natural, and if people want to sleep around that's their business. Also, blaming the Pill is stupid. People had sex before contraception was invented, and what has it got to do with marriage anyway?"

Sure, go ahead and rut like an animal, sweetie. I hope it makes you feel empowered.

Are feminists telling me they can't control themselves? That, like our cow in heat, they are mindlessly controlled by hormones? That they are incapable of keeping their pants on and therefore need artificial methods to allow them to advance their careers between sessions of mindless rutting? This is empowerment?

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I always thought humans were something special. We have taken our large brains and created amazingly good and amazingly bad things. No other species on the planet is capable of impacting his world as much as humans.

To rise to such heights, we've learned to control our instincts by our logical behavior. If our instincts tell us to mate, our behavior guides the instinct into appropriate channels. Ergo, if you want to mate, then do so within a safe and appropriate context (marriage) which will maximize the benefits to offspring and society.

Because of our cow's ill-timed heat cycle, we will be giving her a shot of Lutalyse (an abortant) so she won't have her calf in the middle of a bitterly cold north Idaho winter. Bingo, problem solved.

But is this really how you want to "solve" the problem of your teenage daughter's ill-timed pregnancy? A quick trip to Planned Parenthood and bingo, an abortion? Have we really "advanced" this much?

I suppose 50 years of the Pill has done some good. It's shown us that returning to the roots of our morality isn't such a bad thing. It's demonstrated that sinking into the depths of hedonism doesn't bring lifelong peace and joy.

C'mon, folks, don't let a bunch of cows show us up. Keep your pants on, America.