It is perfectly obvious to everyone that women are of supreme importance to the human race.
What is a less-known fact is that the nascent economic recovery that many economists believe may be on the verge of collapsing into a double-dip recession depends entirely upon the female anatomy. Or rather, one very special example of it. Now, this does not mean what you may think it means. While it may be a feasible plan to reduce the federal deficit by prostituting our most famous female celebrity to the rest of the world at a bargain rate of $3.84 billion per day, I actually refer to the present White House's requirement that the Council of Economic Advisers be headed by a chairwoman.
The Obama transition team is interviewing to find a woman, perhaps a minority woman, to fill the CEA chair – a Senate-confirmed position. Informed sources suggest the candidates on the CEA list now include Princeton University economics and public affairs professor Cecilia Elena Rouse, whose specialty is labor economics. The hunt for a woman, explained several sources close to the transition deliberations, is aimed at broadening the white-male cast of the White House team assembled to date.
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– National Journal, Nov. 20, 2008
We certainly wouldn't want any more white males now, would we? As virtually no one reading this column will recall, the Soetoro administration ultimately selected Christina Romer, who drew upon her fecund powers as a Gaian earth mother possessed of the correct physical apparatus to save or create 750,000 jobs according to the CEA. While neither the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the Internal Revenue Service, nor anyone else has managed to locate these jobs, we can only conclude this is because they do not possess the necessary equipment.
The mystical job-creating powers of her magical lady bits having been exhausted, Ms. Romer has resigned from the Council of Economic Advisors and plans to return to the University of California, Berkeley, where she will spend years attempting to explain to her students why the economic theories she is teaching didn't work when she had the chance to implement them because they were developed by a man – a gay man, admittedly, but still not an individual in possession of the correct economic equipment.
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Her departure leaves the Soebarkah administration facing a conundrum. The Washington Post observed that while "White House observers called Austan Goolsbee, a member of the Council of Economic Advisers, an obvious choice, but that would leave Obama without a woman on his senior economic team." The problem is obvious. With the economic recovery already in peril, the White House cannot possibly afford to take the risk of not having a chairwoman at the head of its most important economic advisory board.
I calculate that if Christina Romer were able to save or create 750,000 jobs despite the fact that the woman was 52 years old and resembles a walrus sans tusks, a more attractive woman half her age should be able to save or create 7.5 million jobs, which would reduce the U3 unemployment rate to 4.8 percent. This increase in employment would increase consumer spending by 5.4 percent and GDP growth by 3.8 percent. Contraction avoided, crisis redux averted.
Numerous commentators on the 2008 financial crisis have asserted that too much testosterone was to blame. This is true, albeit not quite in the manner they believed. The matter is more complex. But there is no need to go into the labyrinthine details, the important point is that we can all relax and go further into debt in the secure knowledge that the Obama administration is dedicated to harnessing the esoteric economic miracle of Gaia that is girl power.