I confess …

I was laughing my head off while I watched myself on CNN's "Anderson Cooper 360." Before the show came on, they aired Hugh Hefner, who swims in a pool of money and women, yet we were made out like bandits because our charity reported a half million dollars last year? It was very funny.

CNN wanted me to tell them how our money is spent. Alright CNN, I confess everything:

I confess: We are sending money to criminals. It's true. They are Pakistani criminals who are hiding from the law. They are purported to have committed the worst crime in Pakistani law: blasphemy of Muhammad, the prophet of Islam.

I confess: CNN is right to come after me. I committed the same crime.

I confess: I did tell Drew Griffin, "It's none of your business." It was all caught on camera. But only an idiot will talk to reporters and give details of sending money to wanted criminals.

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I confess: Keith's senior moment on CNN shows how unprofessional we really are. We set up an advisory board several years ago that we rarely contact and Keith on TV could not remember their names; his performance debunks the myth that Jews are exceptionally smart.

I confess: I do not qualify as an expert on terrorism since I am not an atheist-socialist-liberal and my books have the word "God" in them; had I had "Allah," CNN and CAIR would not mind.

I confess: I wasn't a "professional" terrorist, either. All I do is translate what sneaky Muslims say in Arabic and compare it to their English. They rarely ever match, and CNN never reports on them.

I confess: I sell books for a living that have lots of flaws. English is my second language, and my editor is a nice lady named Cheryl Taylor who is about to retire and accidently slips by some spelling errors, which people complain about. But what can I do? Cheryl also has to make a living.

I confess: I am not the smartest guy when it comes to terrorism. Drew Griffin was right: It was 19 hijackers on 9/11, not 17. But is that why "Anderson Cooper 360," Huffington Post, CAIR and Chris Hedges are after my hide?

I confess: Chris Hedges is a lot smarter than me. They gave him an award. He is a Pulitzer Prize winner. Perhaps if I do my own 360 degrees and reconvert to being a terrorist, I might win the Nobel Peace Prize. Arafat did by simply speaking a few words – in English.

I confess: I am not exactly connected to the Mossad, but I pay money to an I.D.F soldier named Moshe Avraham to maintain our website and keep track of newsworthy stories.

I confess: Moshe kills terrorists – literally.

I confess: We pay another lady to bombard and harass pastors to get us in the door. At times we joke that some pastors are like a blood clot that only a lady can move out of the way so we can spread what CAIR calls Islamophobia.

I confess: We also pay for flights, hotels, articles, booking interviews and daily press releases. Special guests are the cheapest and worth every cent.

I confess: Last year we spent more than $80,000 in Texas following the Fort Hood massacre where a Muslim shot up all those people, but CNN does not want me to call Nidal Malek Hassan a Muslim. Mentioning religious affiliation of terrorists is an insult, unless of course, the terrorist is a Christian.

I confess: I am nosey, and I do want to know about CAIR's funding. Will CNN help me?

I confess: I looked like a slob on CNN.

I confess: I need new attire, but I am such a cheapskate and hate wasting money.

I confess: I critique Islam. Hindus got rid of burning widows – thanks to critics of Hinduism.

I confess: I became racist when I quit hating Israel.

I confess: When liberals say I should be thrown in jail since I am a confessed terrorist, they are right. But why only imprison repentant terrorists, while CNN wants to release the other unrepentant terrorists from Gitmo?

When I get old, fatter and saggy, I will still laugh at Drew Griffin. He could not debunk the facts, and he is plainly stupid.

Walid Shoebat is the author of "God's War on Terror." He is a former terrorist and Muslim Brotherhood activist. He was the first to translate from Arabic the goals of Feisal Abdul Rauf. He maintains a website at www.Shoebat.com.