Bachmann's Balkans

The Balkans are famous for being a divided, confused, stewpot; a torrid brew that cannot coalesce. Iowa for conservatives is the Balkans.

To be more precise, conservatism is being Balkanized in Iowa. Rick Perry, otherwise known as the Return of Fred Thompson, has burst on the scene in an off-color cape. But isn't he Superman? You and I are the strategically confused judges – only 14 percent of us will eventually vote for him.

We have Herman Cain, the ex-Federal Reserve chairman … from the tea party. Doesn't anyone besides me feel this mother of all oxymorons strains credulity?

Then there's ever-present Palin: flirting, flitting, swooping, diving. If you are wondering whether she will ever run, you are supposed to be wondering whether she will ever run. Her purpose is for 14 percent of conservatives to eventually vote for her, too.

But despite Snow White, the seven dwarves are already in the woods: Cain, Santorum, Perry, Huntsman, Romney, Gingrich and Saddest McCotter. They are here, conservative friend, to make sure that no conservative is in the White House. They are false-flag Fred Thompsons all, ready to run lackluster campaigns, making weird choices at pivotal times, and remain half on, half off. They vow solemnly that they will each get as close to 14 percent as possible!

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They each want 14 percent of conservatives, that is.

Why?

Because we can't risk a conservative in the White House, now can we? Oh, no! We need to ensure a New World Order, so let's bet a hundred on Romneycare Willard to win! Willard needs 14 percent of Republicans, 100 percent of RINOs and the rest of you conservatives to divide your votes between the dwarves. Will you promise to go along? Willard's a nice guy – he portrays a conservative dwarf on Iowa weekends (he always plays Bashful).

How to fix all this?

Farah said it right: Rally around Michele Bachmann. 

See, if there are 23 conservatives running, and only one RINO, guess who wins? 

Under the tyranny of the Balkan Dwarves, Romney waxing leftish doesn't hurt him. In fact, so long as Huntsman doesn't get big, Romney moving left actually assists. That's why he's not backing off Romneycare. The United Rhinoceros Alliance is salivating over a lefty-Republican win while they openly mock the conservatives in bankrolling Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The RINO queens will make sure all the puff-pieces and money for alternatives will dry up the day after Romney's elected.

But would conservatives like to rewrite this fairy tale? Here are the steps to a happy ending.

First, dump everyone else and support Bachmann. Farah was right about her and so was Iowa. Support her now, support her often, support her to the end.

Next, when you send your big-fat check to Michele, wrap it in a note telling her to cut a deal with Ron Paul, making him treasury secretary. Paul doesn't want the pedantic pleasantry of being vice president. He wants to do something that matters. Remember, if the tea party is split between Paul and Bachmann, the nominee is Romney The Rhinoceros. But if Bachmann co-opts Paul and pushes Willard so far to the left he is waltzing Jon Huntsman, conservatives are both entertained and safe.

And Michele?

Sign up Huckabee and his show for full-time surrogates. Tell Huck that if he doesn't bring peace to the Balkans in three months flat, the tea party is firing him. We gave him that job. He owes us.

Andrew Longman is a Christian and an applied scientist.