Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
In refusing to back off its order that religious organizations – specifically Roman Catholic organizations – provide contraceptive and abortion services for their employees, the White House announced a new Obama administration motto:
“Everything in the State, nothing outside the State, nothing against the State.”
An elderly member of the White House press corps asked Press Secretary Jay Carney, “Wasn’t that Mussolini’s motto?”
Carney replied simply, “Catchy, isn’t it?”
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said she would not be dismayed if her mother had aborted her.
“It would have been her right,” Sebelius said. “Although it is difficult to imagine the world without the kind of leadership I provide, I would have to recognize – if I were around to recognize – that a woman’s right to choose is absolute. Further, anything medical that a woman chooses should be paid for by her employer – or by the state.
“Remember this administration’s motto: ‘Everything in the State, nothing outside the State, nothing against the State.'”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced that while she remained an “ardent” Catholic, she had joined the Movement for Spiritual Inner Awareness.
“Sure, there have been allegations of MISA sexual improprieties, but the movement isn’t afflicted with Catholics’ ‘conscience thing,'” Pelosi said. “Although Catholic teaching on moral questions like abortion is ambiguous – and remember, I’m a devout Catholic and I honor my faith and love it – we have to recognize that the ‘conscience thing’ should be left in the privacy of one’s home, where it cannot interfere with the priorities of the state.
“We all should remember the watchword: ‘Everything in the State, nothing outside the State, nothing against the State.'”
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg announced her retirement from the bench to help write a new constitution for the nation of Egypt.
“I’m afraid if I didn’t help, they’d fall into the old trap of modeling their document on the United States Constitution,” she said. “Sure, the framers of the Constitution were among the most brilliant men of their time, but over time, we – I – have become more brilliant than they.
“Further, they were men, and Egypt’s new constitution should benefit from the insights of a woman. I’m sure a government dominated by the Muslim Brotherhood would agree.”
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles:
During Occupy L.A.’s encampment at City Hall, city workers installed plywood walls to protect a couple of municipal monuments.
Naturally, the Occupy protesters adorned the walls with anti-capitalist paintings that were the apotheosis of proletarian art. Now that art is gone – somewhere. After the L.A. City Council had enough of “the 99 percent” and sent in the cops to clear the City Hall lawn, workers removed the protective walls.
But not to worry. According to the Los Angeles Times, the city’s Department of Cultural Affairs has “issued an open call ‘to public and private entities, including but not limited to museums, galleries, arts organizations or educational institutions’ wishing to store and exhibit the murals.”
The walls, you see, have become “cultural artifacts … evoking the spirit of an event of national/international importance and attention …” and the city “wishes to see that the Occupy LA artifacts are publicly displayed in the near future and protected for future audiences.”
But Occupy L.A. wants to control the murals, saying they belong to the people, so conflict remains. Let us modestly suggest the city put the things down in the rail yards, next to the similarly decorated box cars, for all to enjoy.
Kudos to Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, for persuading the House of Representatives to pass a bill to restore a zero-based national budget process. If Gohmert’s bill were to become law, the budget wouldn’t automatically carry over the previous year’s fiscal document – plus a bump of about 8 percent. This is known as baseline budgeting.
This would mean a budget freeze would no longer be called a budget cut and a measure of sanity might be imposed in the halls of Congress. But, as sanity prevails neither in the Senate nor the White House, don’t hold your breath.
Gohmert predicts that “senators will pass it to accolades or fail to pass it at their great political peril.” One may hope.