Throughout the past few decades, zombie-themed entertainment has grown from a small subculture movement to mainstream big business. In addition to annual, blockbuster movies, devoted zombie fans now enjoy zombie-themed obstacle races, zombie stores, zombie dotcoms, zombie charity walks and award-winning “Walking Dead” television shows. Even the Centers for Disease Control put your hard-earned tax dollars to use with a zombie-themed emergency preparedness campaign in 2012.
Being in the survival business, the “zombie apocalypse” is always a fun topic of conversation and one that I enjoy joking about. I even teach a zombie-themed survival course here at Willow Haven.
Lately, though, it seems my zombie jokes have been hitting a little too close to home. The whole zombie thing is starting to feel a little too real. Am I going crazy? I don’t think so. Allow me to elaborate.
Let me start by listing some well-known zombie characteristics:
- Zombies have a one track mind and only think about one thing: Consumption.
- Zombies only take what they want (typically brains). They are not productive members of society.
- Zombies gather in large hordes that roam the streets, terrorizing hardworking citizens.
- The zombie virus is highly contagious. Once exposed, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to be cured.
- Zombies have an insatiable appetite and will stop at nothing to feed their cravings.
- Once a zombie outbreak occurs, it is incredibly difficult to regain order and normalcy.
- Zombies don’t make a lot of sense when they speak. They have a severe lack of communication skills.
Introducing: The American zombie virus
Make no mistake about it, there is a “zombie-esque” way of life spreading like wildfire throughout this country. And, unlike make-believe TV zombies, this mentality has devastating consequences on America’s survival and the future of life as we know it.
This “take only and give nothing back” lifestyle is fueled by a never-ending supply of free (to them, not to you) government goodies and perpetuated by spineless politicians who don’t have the guts to stand up for productive members of society and immunize this country-killing infection before it’s too late.
To make the problem worse, the American zombie virus is passed to children. Entire generations of new Americans are being raised to suckle from the ever-generous government teat. Meanwhile, our self-seeking government officials work hard to ensure that the flow of milk and honey doesn’t run dry by taking excess from those who are already giving more than their fair share.
Our zombie-pandering government
The most disturbing aspect of our very real zombie movement is that the victims are always hard-working, tax-paying, law-abiding American citizens.
While the infected tirelessly feast on the fruits of our labor, their feelings of entitlement engorge with every free fistful of goodies. The incessant moaning and groaning for “more brains” is directed toward government officials who have turned their backs on productive members of society to serve the growing zombie horde electorate.
Elected officials have traded integrity for fear and are too cowardly to stand up for the people who pay their salaries. What will happen when those people are all gone?
The tipping point
The government-dependent zombie horde is growing at a mind-splitting pace. With new laws exacerbating the virus, the future looks bleak for self-respecting Americans who still believe in hard work, personal responsibility and traditional values.
Maybe I’ve just seen too many zombie movies, but it’s hard for me to imagine a cure for the virus that plagues our country. Or maybe it’s because I’ve lost so much faith in our misguided elected officials. Regardless, I fear that hard-working, God-fearing, freedom-loving and independence-seeking Americans are slowing being outnumbered by a culture of zombie-like people who mock the America that changed the world.
Prepare for the apocalypse
When the zombie demand outweighs that which can be taken from us to provide for them, a very real zombie apocalypse will break loose across our great nation. The well of free stuff is only so deep and can only quench the thirst for so long. A moaning and groaning horde will rise – armed not with thank-you cards for your years of sacrifice, nor with the readiness or willingness to work. They will skip the government middleman and charge directly to the source of where the free stuff originates – your front door.
Sometimes, we the providers, feel alone in the wilderness – surrounded by moaning takers. Stay strong, my friends, you are not alone. There are others out there fighting for survival with you. Hold tight to the one thing more contagious than even the most viral zombie virus – the American spirit. It is this spirit that built the best country the world has ever known. The zombie way of thinking is by definition self-destructive and cannot survive long-term. At the end of the day, take solace in knowing that you are the one who still has the brains.
Remember, it’s not if, but when.
