(THE PROGRESSIVE) — This week the Supreme Court hears two monumental cases. Their decisions could potentially destroy the sanctity of marriage, and invariably result in a shotgun wedding between your child and a Norwegian Elkhound—except you won't even have a shotgun because Obama's going to confiscate them all, so he can melt them down into prison bars for the super-secret FEMA camps (I've said too much!).
The above is an only slightly hyperbolic example of why some believe both Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act DOMA should be ruled constitutional. For those living under a rock, brick, or giant sandwich, Proposition 8 is California's '08 voter-approved same-sex marriage ban, bankrolled largely by the Mormon Church, and found unconstitutional by a federal appeals court last year. And DOMA is a federal statute which defines marriage as being between one man and one woman, denies same-sex couples all the legal and fiduciary advantages of matrimony, was sponsored by “Libertarian” hypocrite Bob Barr, and was signed into law by Bill Clinton under the cynical advice of the poll-skewing troll Dick Morris. There. That's where we are. But the nine justices won't rule until June, so you may now crawl back under your enormous Reuben.
Marriage has been defined as being between one woman and one man “since the beginning of time,” according to Rush Limbaugh. Like nearly everything that multiple-divorcee spews, it is simply untrue.
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