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If I were king

I have made an important decision. I have decided that if this country is going to be saved, people are going to have to make me king (well, queen). Don’t worry, this is only a temporary monarchy. I won’t need much time.

You see, if I were king, I would have absolute control. I would temporarily suspend the balance of power between the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of our broken government and set things right. Here is a sampling of what I would do:

I have many other policies, far too many to list in this column, but you get the idea.

My last act as king (well, queen) would be to put in government positions only those patriotic Americans who are absolutely dedicated to maintaining a strict interpretation of the Constitution and Bill of Rights. Remember, this new (and all subsequent) crop of politicians is subject to strict term limits.

Then I would happily retire to my humble homestead in Idaho with my wonderful husband and raise our children, our cows and our garden in peace and quiet, without ever bothering anyone ever again.

The reason I need to be king (well, queen) to do all this is because we have 545 insane puffed-up power-hungry devils currently in charge of things who have no interest in relinquishing their vast and filthy power. If I don’t sweep them all away in one fell swoop, we will never get rid of their corrupting influence. But if I were king, I could fire ’em all. Bye bye.

Naturally, these kingly (queenly?) policies will cause a great deal of chaos and near-anarchy for a decade or two while things sort themselves out. That’s because people have lost the art of being productive, self-sufficient citizens and are therefore unable to get through life without a great deal of government hand-holding. This must stop.

But eventually, things would sort themselves out. People would learn that in order to eat, they must work. People would realize their children will receive outstanding education because schools will compete for students and answer to parents. Businesses would spring up overnight and thrive in an atmosphere free of red tape, petty rules and regulations and other squelching edicts. Charity would blossom for those unable to work because people would have a lot more money in their pockets.

Then and only then will America be restored to its original greatness. Of course, once my kingly influence wanes, things will backslide – things always do – but perhaps we’ll become safe and prosperous for another century or two before that happens.

But sadly, no one has seen fit to elect me king (queen), and so America will continue its death spiral until we crash into the rocky canyon of economic collapse, martial law and anarchy.

At that point we may well see a king (or its equivalent), but you probably won’t like what you get. Then you’ll wish you’d appointed me king when you had the chance.