Help stop sexual misconduct by Christian leaders

By Lisa Cherry

Mr. Bill Gothard, founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP), recently released a statement responding to accusations of sexual harassment from young women in his own ministry. When I read his words, and many of the comments responding to his statement, I was greatly disturbed.

I sincerely appreciate Mr. Gothard's attempts to offer an apology that brings healing to those who have been hurt. And I do grant his request for forgiveness. However, I find his explanations for his own behavior so alarming that, even though I am not personally involved in this case, I am compelled to discuss it. Why? Because, as the mother of a child who experienced the same kind of physical demonstrations from a trusted adult in our community, I now understand their potentially dangerous consequences.

With regard to the allegations of sexual misconduct brought against him, Mr. Gothard stated:

"My actions of holding of hands, hugs, and touching of feet or hair with young ladies crossed the boundaries of discretion and were wrong. They demonstrated a double standard and violated a trust. Because of the claims about me I do want to state that I have never kissed a girl nor have I touched a girl immorally or with sexual intent."

This statement by a 79-year-old man, who has been a leading advocate of sexual purity and high moral standards, seems to conflict with his own teachings. (I highlighted the two phrases that are sadly incongruent.) The young ladies he is referring to worked for him in his ministry. They were discipled by him and were functioning under his ministry rules of "no romantic contact with males." How could hand-holding, hugs, and touching of feet and hair not be classified as immoral and sexual in nature? A godly Christian man of any age cannot behave in that manner toward a young woman without it being seeming to have sexual overtones. Period.

(And if we're not sure whether that behavior would be interpreted as being truly sexual in nature, imagine if it occurred secretly between a husband and his secretary. Or a teacher and his pupil. Or a youth pastor and a student. The conclusions should be obvious.)

So how could Mr. Gothard make the outlandish statement that "I have not touched a girl immorally or with sexual intent"? There seems to be a very troubling form of self-deception at work here. We must not redefine the nature of sexual and immoral behavior so that somehow we can maintain our "purity" in our own eyes. I have learned from research, after my daughter's experience, that this is a tactic sexual predators employ to justify seducing their victims. It is also a tactic Christian adulterers employ to continue their sin, while still preaching from the pulpit.

What was going on in Gothard's IBLP appears to carry similar characteristics of "grooming" type behavior. Grooming is a psychological and law enforcement term that describes the process a sexual perpetrator uses on his/her victim to lower resistance and increase cooperation. It begins with simple, non-threatening actions: a hug, wink, love note, a hand on the back or knee, stroking the hair. It seems innocent … almost!

Until sexual abuse affected my own family, I must confess that I did not understand the nature and power of sexual grooming tactics. But when my own high-achieving, Sunday-school teaching, 15-year-old daughter was lured into a secret, sexually abusive relationship with a 46-year-old man from our church, I was forced to figure out how something so ugly could happen right under my nose. I now understand how normally smart people can overlook the obvious.

Put simply, my daughter was tricked and manipulated in her naivete. And her sexual abuser was deceived and driven by his perversion.

We had raised our daughter to honor adults and work alongside Christian men in the local church. So when this family friend from our congregation (who incidentally was employed by a Christian organization) first started paying her little compliments in a ministry setting, it seemed very innocent – until the relationship progressed much like the proverbial frog in hot water. He moved the boundaries ever so slowly in secret, until talk about her dress and hair gave way to talk about other parts of her body. He labeled these activities as "our little secret," told her he loved her and then threatened her with trouble if she told. He excused his own behavior, saying, "Some might say I am molesting you, but don't worry, I am not." By that point, my naïve daughter was too afraid, confused and convinced of his "love" to jump out of the boiling water to get help.

Now in the case of Mr. Gothard, I have no idea what was going on in secret between him and these young women. I wasn't there and am only reading the stories online. And I pray the behaviors were truly limited to the ones he described. But his own explanation (excusing his unacceptable behavior) should throw up a giant red flag to every parent and leader.

When any adult in an authoritative position crosses sexual boundaries with a teen or young adult, damage can occur to that young person even if minimal physical contact was involved. We lived that nightmare with our daughter. Right now my heart goes out to the victims in this case as they seek validation for the truth of their situation and trust God for their emotional and spiritual healing.

If sexual mistreatment is occurring, adults must not ignore the warning signs. Realize, however, what my husband and I had a hard time facing: Grooming is not just limited to the victims. Mature adults can also be tricked (groomed) into not recognizing inappropriate behavior.

I think this can be particularly true in the Christian world. We might see things that are odd; but in our desire to "believe the best of others," we dismiss these warning signs. We ignore little behaviors that cross the line, believing it is silly to be suspicious of someone with high morals. Or we might catch a glimpse of the ugly truth, but deny reality because we don't want to face the uncomfortable fact that we have been tricked. No one wants to deal with this type of unpleasant revelation! (I can personally testify to that.)

But we, as the Body of Christ, must wake up. Sexual abuse and impropriety is rampant. It is time for this abuse to stop! We must learn to recognize these predatory deceptions, face ugly truths and respond appropriately, rather than ignore these behaviors. For the sake of our children and the reputation of our God, we must calmly speak the truth in love.

On several occasions, when we have shared our family's story with a Christian group, law enforcement officials in the audience have reminded us of two disturbing facts. The first is the extreme vulnerability of trusting church and ministry workers in environments that can become the perfect place to hide sexual predator behavior. And the second? According to psychologists and behavioral professionals, sexual predators are usually considered "non-reformable."

Although I firmly believe that, with God, nothing is impossible, we must ask: Is it wise to allow those with predatory-type behaviors to remain in leadership positions while they work to "reform"? Sticking our heads in the sand and ignoring the obvious will only put our children at risk. It's time we start to protect those in our care, rather than those who have violated our trust.

Lisa Cherry is a national speaker on the road 24 to 32 weekends out of each year addressing parents, teens and Christian leaders on the growing spiritual culture war. She is also the author of "Not Open: Win the Spiritual Culture War" and "Unmask the Predators" (HonorNet Publishers). For additional information about Lisa, go to www.frontlinefamilies.org or join the "I'm Not Open Revolution" on Facebook page I'm Not Open.