Hoping Rand Paul becomes ‘Rand Who?’

By Burt Prelutsky

I don’t recall a time when it was so profitable to be in the polling industry. It seems as if there’s a new one every five minutes, and most of them, you’ve probably noticed, show Obama cratering at the speed of light. As a result, Republicans can hardly conceal their glee. I, on the other hand, look at the numbers and feel like tearing my hair out. That is, I would if I had hair. Instead, I’d settle for tearing out someone else’s, perhaps Chuck Hagel’s or Harry Reid’s.

I know I should celebrate the fact that 59 percent of the electorate think Obama is doing a lousy job, but that means that 41 percent don’t see it that way. How can I feel good as an American knowing that 83 percent of the people believe that our country is weaker and less powerful than it was six years ago? For one thing, that’s not a situation in which I ever want America to find herself, but for another, it means 17 percent think we’re stronger and more powerful since Obama took office, and they can’t all be smoking pot in Colorado.

There are even 9 percent of our friends and neighbors who think Obama has been too tough with the Russkies! One of those nincompoops, I’m happy to say, is neither a friend nor a relative of mine; he is, however, Rand Paul’s old man.

Speaking of Rand Paul, I am happy to see him peaking in 2014 because I’m hoping that by 2016, he’ll be Rand Who? during the GOP primaries. I don’t think he’s a bad fellow, but I do believe his crusade against the NSA is a cheap and dangerous political stunt. I think that anyone who actually believes the government is eavesdropping on several billion monotonous phone calls every day or monitoring tens of billions of email messages every 24 hours is either a paranoid schizophrenic or is addicted to pornography and is terrified that the NSA is going to snitch him out to his wife.

Even Paul’s receiving 31 percent of the votes cast at the annual CPAC convention isn’t all that great when you actually break down the numbers. I mean, when your platform involves accepting same-sex marriages as the norm, opposing a military draft and a see-no-evil foreign policy, and you realize that a totally disproportional 46 percent of the CPAC voters were very young, garnering a mere 31 percent of the vote has to be regarded as a massive underachievement.

While listening to radio host Dennis Prager the other day, I heard him mention that at Harvard, they have come up with a notion that anything that is said about a specific group, even if it’s positive in nature, should be regarded as bigotry. So if someone assumes that an Asian got a high-paying job as a computer programmer because Asians are widely assumed to be technically proficient, that’s racism.

And if someone assumes that I’m one thing or another because I happen to be Jewish, that’s a sure sign of religious bigotry. So if you decide I’m smart or dumb because I’m a Jew, you’re a bigot. So, as I see it, you may as well decide I’m smart. At least that way I’ll put in a good word for you when you’re put on trial for being politically incorrect by the knuckleheads at Harvard.

Experience more of Burt Prelutsky’s humor and wit in his books – at WND’s Superstore.

Speaking of academic knuckleheads, one of the great mysteries of life involves the way so many professors and their young liberal charges have opted to side with the Arabs and Muslims in the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians. I mean, if you believe in free speech, equal rights for women, equal protection under the law and religious tolerance, on what possible basis, aside from anti-Semitism, can anyone identify with those opposed to those democratic virtues and who, instead, side with the rabble that applaud the jackals who blow up school buses and pizza parlors?

As for the trouble being fomented by Vladimir Putin, my question is why Europe has become so totally dependent on Russian oil that this cheap thug can so easily turn them all into sniveling little eunuchs? Has Saudi Arabia run dry? Have France, Germany and England, all heard nasty things about Canadian oil? Has Mexico been caught watering their product? Or is it that, like Americans, the poor dears are simply war-weary? After all, it’s only been 69 years since the end of World War II.

Speaking of which, Ukraine asked Barack Obama for weapons with which to defend itself against a Russian invasion. Instead, he gave them MRES (Meals Ready to Eat). Or in other words, food stamps – thus increasing the number of recipients in the blink of an eye from 50 million to 95 million.

At this point, it’s only a rumor that he’s arranging to sign up all 45 million Ukrainians for Obamacare by the end of April.

Media wishing to interview Burt Prelutsky, please contact [email protected].

Burt Prelutsky

Burt Prelutsky has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times, a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine and a freelance writer for TV Guide, Modern Maturity, the New York Times and Sports Illustrated. His latest book is entitled ""Barack Obama, You're Fired! (And Don't Bother Asking for a Recommendation)." Read more of Burt Prelutsky's articles here.


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