Last weekend we were privileged to attend a wedding. The young couple stood before friends and family in a small country church and pledged their lives together in a simple but beautiful ceremony that caused damp eyes among the many witnesses.
In contrast, I recall an opinion piece entitled “Four Reasons Why Marriage IS a Dying Institution” written by a cynical psychiatrist who said, “Well, I’m not certain marriage ever did suit most people who tried it. From what I hear in my psychiatry office, and from what I hear from other psychiatrists and psychologists, and from what my friends and relatives tell me and show me through their behavior, and from the fact that most marriages end either in divorce or acrimony, marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people. To go further, I would venture that 90 percent of the married patients I speak with would rank their marriages in the top two stressors in their lives, while only 10 percent would rank their marriages as one of the top two sources of strength in their lives.”
Ninety percent? On what planet are 90 percent of married couples unhappy? Methinks our psychiatrist has a personal and professional bias.
I’m beginning to think there are two types of people in this world: those who are happily married, and those who aren’t. I suppose one’s perspective on the subject depends on one’s own marriage as well as the marriages of those around one.
Aside from myself and my family, off the top of my head, I can check off endless friends and neighbors with solid marriages ranging from 15 to 60 years. And the young couple we witnessed last weekend is just beginning this happy journey.
Because make no mistake, marriage can be the happiest arrangement in the world.
If I could pinpoint one quality indicative of predicting a happy marriage, I think I would say “maturity” – the maturity to recognize with a cool, unemotional determination whether or not a proposed spouse will make a balanced partner in life. It’s why I’ve always encouraged our daughters to wait until they’re in their mid to late twenties before getting married. By that time, most people have acquired the common sense to rationally ascertain whether someone will be compatible for the next five decades. Maturity can come at a young age (I’ve known people married at 19 who knew exactly what to look for in a spouse), or it may never come at all.
Psychologists and counselors have been trying for decades to figure out the “secrets” of happy marriages. I enjoy reading pop psychology and have read any number of books (some good, some bad) offering advice on the subject. The best I’ve seen is the research by Dr. John Gottman, who claims he can predict with 91 percent accuracy whether or not a couple will stay together or divorce within five minutes of watching them interact. However unlike most pop psych books, Dr. Gottman’s conclusions don’t stem from opinion (which can be influenced by any number of factors, including bias by the researcher) but on scientific analysis. He attributes a marriage’s success to something he calls “emotional intelligence.” (Maybe that’s the same thing as “maturity.”)
Now contrast this with an article that appeared in the Los Angeles Times last summer entitled, “To boost your odds of a successful marriage, have a big wedding.” The theory behind this declaration is as follows: “There is some reason to believe that having more witnesses at a wedding may actually strengthen marital quality … People want to keep the promises they make in public, so the bigger the crowd, the greater the pressure, this thinking goes.”
This kind of analysis sounds like grabbing at straws. They’re trying to show cause and effect through statistical correlation, kind of like noting 55 percent of left-handed people get divorced and then concluding divorce is caused by left-handedness, or something.
Maybe that’s why I prefer Dr. Gottman’s analysis. While he focuses on seven primary factors, it seems a successful marriage can be distilled down to the issue of friendship. Happily married couples are also best friends. Of course there are endless complicating factors involved in this simple statement, but it makes sense that friendship is an enormous part – if not the biggest factor – of a successful marriage. Happy couples who are friends are intimately familiar with their spouse’s quirks, hot buttons, insecurities, fears, strengths, joys, likes and dislikes, hopes, dreams and other intangible traits. Friends don’t deliberately push hot buttons. Friends support (instead of tear down) the other person’s ego. Friends do things for the other person to cause happiness, not anger or pain.
Other “emotionally intelligent” (i.e. mature) factors to take into account when considering marriage include agreements about critical factors such as faith, money and children. Disagreements in these areas mean a friendship gets jeopardized.
The initial bliss of dating and romance and lust can often blind a couple to whether or not they actually like the underlying person. Once the wedding is over and the bliss fades, what’s the other person really like? I’ve often heard the odd statement, “I love him but I don’t like him” when describing a spouse. Why would you marry someone you don’t like? Perhaps this is part of the “emotional intelligence” Dr. Gottman discusses.
As we watched the young couple get married last weekend, we had no concerns about the future of the newlyweds. That’s because we know it wasn’t just a starry-eyed physical attraction that drew them together; it was also the practical reality of how they wanted their married life to unfold.
That ability to look at their future with rational, practical consideration is part of this maturity or emotional intelligence which seems to be the key to a long marriage. And for troubled marriages, Dr. Gottman explains how couples in conflict can re-learn how to be friends and possibly save their marriage.
But how much nicer to be friends from the beginning.
Unlike the psychiatrist’s cynical observations about marriage, I do not believe marriage itself is a dying institution. Marriages may be dying because people no longer know how to choose the right partners, and no longer know how to keep vows. But the institution itself can and will live on. There is no earthly dynamic – nothing! – that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children more than a secure and happy marriage. Nothing.
Don’t marry someone you lust after. Don’t marry someone because of physical beauty or wealth or social status. Marry your best friend. You won’t regret it.
Media wishing to interview Patrice Lewis, please contact [email protected].
|
