To Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, parents of the famous family from TLC’s reality program “19 Kids and Counting,” sexuality is a precious topic to be taken seriously as their children grow to adulthood.
To Paul Rudnick, a homosexual humorist, playwright and longtime contributor to the New Yorker, however, the Christian family’s sexual morals are more of a joke.
In a humor piece available online now from the New Yorker’s Dec. 8 issue, Rudnick lampoons the family by reporting he’s found pages of the family’s “sex manual.”
Rudnick accurately points out that “as the Duggar kids have matured, Jim Bob has allowed only chaperoned dates, and, as People has reported, ‘the Duggar girls and beaus have agreed to only “side hugs” pre-engagement and only hand-holding post-engagement. Their first kisses will be on their wedding days.'”
Learn more about the REAL Duggars with their book, “The Duggars: 20 and Counting,” and “Duggar Favorites” on DVD!
Rudnick then jokes, however, that like the “Kama Sutra,” the ancient Hindu text that includes detailed descriptions of sexual positions, the Duggars have all kinds of advice on how to (not) have sex.
For example, Rudnick describes “the missionary position” thus: “This is perhaps the most satisfying sexual maneuver, because the wife remains in America while the husband serves as a missionary along the Amazon.”
Describing “The La-Z Boy” position, Rudrick writes, “This technique is for only the most adventurous couples, as it involves the husband tilting his recliner all the way back, while the wife straddles the armrests and crochets a birthday scarf for her dad.”
Rudnick further jokes that if any Duggar member should derive sexual arousal from “wondering what it would be like if we had HBO,” that family member “will have a pentagram drawn on his or her forehead, and will receive only a single Pillsbury crescent roll at dinner.”
Of course, the Duggars, whose bedroom maneuvers have clearly conceived more children than Rudnick’s, must at least sometimes have sex.
For this, Rudnick suggests “The Babymaker” position: “In order to reproduce, actual sexual intercourse may become necessary, but only according to the following parameters. Both partners will disrobe in total darkness and then move slowly toward each other, to avoid making love to a floor lamp. Once the spouses have found one another, they will apologize, hold their breath, and picture, in their minds, their mothers piling heaps of apple slices into a piecrust. After no more than thirty seconds of intimate contact, the wife will yell, ‘Marco!,’ and the husband will reply, ‘Polo!’ Then both partners will run to separate bathrooms and scrub themselves with wire brushes, until a child is born.”
In reality, however, Jim Bob and Michelle describe themselves as “like a newlywed couple every day.”
In an interview with NBC’s Today, the Duggars listed their Top 7 tips for keeping marriage sexy:
- Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired
- But give it a rest sometimes
- Treat your wife like a queen
- The strong, silent type is overrated
- Perfectionism kills romance
- Make time for date night
- Never stop learning
Learn more about the REAL Duggars with their book, “The Duggars: 20 and Counting,” and “Duggar Favorites” on DVD!
