I’ve been cogitating lately on Colossians 3:18-21, “Instructions for Christian households.” This chapter includes the fiery verse so many feminists find objectionable, namely, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
But it’s verse 21 that caught my eye: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” The King James Version has it translated, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”
It is, of course, necessary to discipline children. That’s biblically mandated. But what does it mean, to provoke or embitter children?
We all hear about the duties of children toward their parents – it’s enshrined in the Ten Commandments, after all – but what duties do parents have toward their children beyond taking care of their physical needs? Do they have a duty not to “provoke” or “embitter” them? And what does that mean?
People will interpret that verse in endlessly different ways, but I think a lot of it has to do with nagging or forcing kids to do things against their nature. Of course children must be “forced” to do things they don’t want, for many years – they must be “forced” to share household chores, “forced” to do their schoolwork, even “forced” to attend church. But at what point does forcing backfire and rebellion (“bitterness” or “discouragement”) result?
I’m neither a psychologist nor a biblical scholar, but my guess is it happens when parents totally and completely disregard the wishes, needs, natures, or interests of the children as unimportant or not worthwhile. Kids are not robots who will unquestioningly obey regardless of their feelings. Children have their own personalities, emotions and opinions. Within the bounds of rationality and safety, these should be respected.
In the patriarchal hegemony of the Bible, children were expected to instantly obey a father’s directives without question, regardless of their opinion. Fathers were expected to know best. They were expected to guide their children away from whatever dangers awaited. They were expected to shield their children from the risks and temptations they knew existed in the world.
But undoubtedly many parents (particularly fathers) took this to such an extreme that the children naturally rebelled. Enforcing rules that are too strict or oppressive will make children hate whatever it is you’re trying to encourage, including matters of faith.
Child rebellion is as old as the Bible (hence the many verses in Proverbs addressing it), but parental despots were also common. As Colossians 3:21 illustrates, such unyielding dictatorship could result in bitter and discouraged offspring.
I’ve met parents who suppress every original thought their child harbors lest it depart from parental orthodoxy. Yet our children must learn to think independently, even if they go through stages where they’re misguided, or where we disagree (again, within the bounds of rationality and safety).
And sometimes rebellious kids will grow into adults, still harboring those rebellious thoughts – and never learning differently until they’re clunked upside the head with Real Life.
As young children developing their theories of the world through observations, a child may tell his mother that “the sun goes to bed at night.” Mother scoffs and tells Junior what a dumb idea it is. Does this reaction encourage Junior, or embitter him?
Growing older, again while trying to make sense of the adult world they are soon to enter, teens may develop opinions contrary to that of their parents in an effort either to claim independence, or to provoke. Many parents quash these contrary views and tell the teen he’s wrong to believe thus-and-such and he’d better darn well change his mind OR ELSE. This often causes the teen to cling harder to his idea until it becomes part of him rather than just a passing fancy.
If this continues – if children are not allowed or permitted to have their own unique opinions, thoughts, or conclusions – then they may indeed become provoked to the point of becoming embittered. I’ve seen it. It’s sad, particularly because teens change as they mature into adults. Had they not been provoked or embittered, these young adults might eventually have dovetailed their opinions and attitudes with those of their parents – except they were provoked otherwise.
Children – especially when they become teenagers – are amazingly astute when it comes to detecting hypocrisy in their parents. When we TELL our kids to do one thing but DO the opposite ourselves, don’t you think this provokes our offspring? “Don’t bleeping swear!” is the classic example, and it goes downhill from there.
Some parents make children feel guilty for something they are not doing. “Why can’t you be more like your big brother/cousin/the star athlete in school/etc.?” This isn’t fair. The child is unique – he can’t become “more like” anyone unless he himself desires it. Would you like to be asked, “Why can’t you be more like that swimsuit model?” or “Why can’t you be more like that studly actor?”
I believe parents should encourage their children to reach their full potential in whatever areas of interest they have, but this shouldn’t necessarily mean forcing children to excel in what they hate. Nagging a bookish child to become a professional athlete is counterproductive because it’s contrary to his nature. Ditto with nagging an athletic child to become less physical. And making comparisons between your child’s inadequacies and the idealized (and probably unrealistic) behavior of another person is just plain cruel.
Parents can easily provoke their children by constant censure or fretful anger. Too many parents nag their kids about inconsequential things. And it’s worth a brief mention that children raised without any father at all are among the most provoked or embittered demographic out there. Just sayin’.
In short, while children have the biblical mandate to obey their parents, I believe parents have a biblical obligation to their children as well, not to nag or provoke or embitter them lest they become discouraged. It’s not our job to stifle their creativity, their opinions, their emotions, or their interests. It’s our job to guide those qualities into acceptable and respectful channels.
In other words, this verse addresses the behavior of the parents, not the child. While parents are unparalleled in recognizing the unique gifts of their children and encouraging and pushing their kids to maximize their potential, it behooves us not to cross the line into nagging them beyond their young endurance.
Once again this passage underscores how balanced and sensible the Bible is. It’s not a collection of unyielding hateful tyrannical commands. Rather, it contains some of the most astoundingly sensible advice ever distilled into one book.
As I see it, we’re heading into some seriously scary times with a wildly out-of-control unconstitutional government and multiple threats, both domestic and international. The last thing we need is rebellious kids because we provoked or embittered them out of sheer stubbornness, pride, or ego.
Media wishing to interview Patrice Lewis, please contact [email protected].
|
