The website Ashley Madison, which was hacked and had its private information about members released this week, has Washington and others abuzz.
First, for those of us who know little to zero about the “dark web,” this was a revelation. It was a surprising revelation, as most baby boomers I know have no idea how to access the dark web. This week we found out that millions and millions of people have used the Ashley Madison website.
It was shocking to find this out and even more shocking to find out that the “dark web” can be hacked.
Most of us know that our emails and other items we send on what we think of as closed sites can be hacked. For millions of web users, however, there was some kind of understanding that sites such as the Ashley Madison site would be non-hackable. What this proves, in addition to how double sided and sneaky people are, is that you will eventually be found out. Everything now can be recorded, photographed and hacked.
It is also amazing that people do not cover their tracks well or somehow think they are immune from being found out. Would it be so terrible to tell your spouse that you were unhappy, that the sexual part of your relationship needed help or that you found the person you committed to and married was not as exciting as you hoped for? Would that be as terrible as having an affair? What ever became of honesty?
What boggles the mind is that some people are so delusional that they were using .mil or .gov email addresses to do their affair seeking. A female I knew was fired several years ago for surfing the web during business hours while working for the government. No porn needed; she was fired for just surfing. What is the government going to do now with the information released on the Ashley Madison site?
The Ashley Madison site hacking points to a deeper problem in our society. The problem is honesty. Polls are showing that trust impacts voting. Voters want someone they feel is honest and trustworthy.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers are sliding. Her numbers are sliding because the voting public does not believe she has been honest about her emails when she worked for the State Department. Clinton’s problems, in short, are of perceived honesty.
Marriage is supposed to be a commitment. Although it’s not part of most marriage vows, it is assumed that there is also a commitment to honesty. People do not like to feel they have been lied to or that they have been had. One divorce lawyer said that the database of the Ashley Madison site was going to be a boon for his divorce business. Most people would rather go it alone than be lied to.
There is another aspect to the Ashley Madison site hack. It is what people in mental health call a “reaction formation.”
A reaction formation is a personality trait that is expressed in action. It is used to avoid experiencing anxiety about a feeling. To avoid this anxiety, people often behave in the opposite way. For instance, much has been made about Josh Duggar and his name appearing on the Ashley Madison site along with some kinky desires. This is a man who as a teen has admitted to molesting his sisters, then as an adult worked for the anti-gay marriage group, Family Research Council. Sexual desires clearly contributed to his personal anxiety, and instead of acknowledging them he adapted the “holier than thou” attitude. One could say that his brain and body really was hole-ier than thou, with mental lacuna all over the place. (A lacuna in mental health means an unfilled space or gap.)
Unfortunately, Josh Duggar is but one example of the hypocrisy and lying that we were made aware of this week with the Ashley Madison data dump. It is an example of why people in our country hate the politicians and lawyers, who most people think are paid liars.
If there is any silver lining in the Ashley Madison data dump cloud, it is that hopefully people will become honest with their spouses. Honesty is important in any relationship, be it trans, gay or heterosexual. It should be the basic building block of any decent intimate relationship.
That millions of people’s cheating record is now online is sad, but what is sadder is that millions of people lied to their spouses. Now is the time to get honest. It will not only strengthen relationships but strengthen our society as a whole.
Media wishing to interview Ellen Ratner, please contact [email protected].
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