(Warning: The following story and video contain jokes some readers may find offensive.)
Donald Trump owns a pigeon named Lucas Don Velour, and he likes to take the little guy shopping.
Chris Christie loves to snack on potatoes, ice cream and cookies.
Ted Cruz says he wants to drink a sorority’s goldfish.
And Jeb Bush uses a fork to put dead mice on crescent rolls.
They’re the hysterical moments from the Aug. 6 GOP debate you probably missed – because, well, they didn’t actually happen.
The silly, juvenile and downright weird moments are dubbed into actual debate footage by re-edit experts at YouTube’s Bad Lip Reading channel – and they have millions of Americans rolling with laughter.
The viral video has been viewed more than 8 million times.
Watch the ridiculous video that has everyone cracking up with laughter:
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The silliness begins with Fox News’ Brett Baier asking GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, “How was your summer?”
Huckabee answers, “It was dope, like your pretty gelled head.”
“Thank you,” Baier responds. “I’m getting it permed.”
The next question comes from Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, who asks Gov. Chris Christie: “When you were younger, what was your favorite childhood snack?”
Christie replies, “I wanted, you know, I just wanted regular potatoes. But guess what? So did other people. I wanted it the most, so I’m like, ‘I want it the most.'”
At that moment, Rand Paul interjects – “You just froze a baby! You just froze a baby!”
“I did not!” Christie hollers back.
“Genital warts!” Paul exclaims. “You touched a genital wart, and you can’t touch it!”
Then Chris Wallace turns to GOP front-runner Donald Trump, who declares, “Well, I have a pigeon – Lucas Don Velour. I always take it shopping because I want to and because it’s got health.”
Suddenly Trump’s stomach can be heard loudly rumbling, and the billionaire grunts and squeaks in apparent discomfort.
“Whatever, look – it’s a thing the tuna melt does to me,” he explains unapologetically.
Sen Ted. Cruz chimes in, using an exceptionally creepy voice: “You shouldn’t say the S-word.” He adds, “Well, we could just go out and collect a dead swan. And then I, well, I will drink a sorority’s goldfish.”
The three debate moderators cringe as the moment becomes rather awkward.
Then the show moves to Dr. Ben Carson, who speaks in his characteristically soft voice as he shuffles puzzle pieces around on his lectern. The neurosurgeon is utterly oblivious to the discussions taking place around him.
“Now this piece, I think it goes like that,” he says under his breath. “And then this one. No, this piece goes over here. It’s part of the tree.”
Baier calls out: “Carson!!!!”
“AHHHH ahhh ahhh!” Carson shrieks, startled by Bair.
“I don’t know how to do this actually,” Carson tells Baier, who says, “We can move on, and you’re not missing any play time.”
Carson then whispers: “America.”
The show turns to Kelly, who asks Jeb Bush: “How would you get a dead mouse on a crescent roll with some steak?”
“With some steak, I would fork it,” Bush explains. “However, if a pit bull is loose in your house, then you’ll find me stiff on the bed ’cause I always throw up.”
Then each of the candidates is asked to take 13 seconds to make a closing statement in the form of a short song.
Hilarity ensues.
Christie sings about ice cream, cookies and hitting a “boy in a pink golf shirt with the pepper-spray tan” until he “laid down on the concrete.”
Cruz chirps about “rabies and bunnies” and dancing in a “little paper hat.”
Even Trump can’t help himself as he can be seen rocking out to Rubio’s song about bald tigers and pig intestines.
Gov. Josh Kasich bursts into song about giving Britain cheese if it chooses to invade the U.S.
Trump chants about mean reindeers and big birds in the jungle.
But he concludes with a warning: “Don’t go around the tuna.”
Walker shares a peculiar melody: “Why are dormant wives so adorable?”
Finally, it’s Carson’s turn.
He laughs sheepishly.
“Not ready,” he sings reluctantly. “Ohh, here we go.”
Carson shares a peculiar melody about catching mice, which brings everyone in the crowd to their feet in a standing ovation.
YouTube viewers went wild with comments about the video, posting the following on the site:
- Genius!! Simply genius. I’m in awe
- Ted Cruz looks and sounds like an elf.
- Is [Ted Cruz] representing the Lollipop Guild? Lol
- I don’t see a difference in this debate and the other
- I will drink a sorority’s goldfish before I vote for Kasich
- I can’t stop laughing. Watched this about 300 times in two days, can’t stop. GENIUS
- Rubio spits straight fire
- Based on the songs, I’d vote for Marco Rubio
- The saddest part about this video is that this is less ridiculous than what these halfwits were actually saying
- Based on this video, I will probably vote for Carson!
- LOL!!!! I think I like Trump’s song best
- This made more sense than the actual debate
