How to hover over your free-range kids

By Edward B. Driscoll Jr.

To hover or to set free? That is the question modern parents constantly ask themselves. And parenting guru Paula Bolyard says the best answer usually lies somewhere between the extremes of helicopter and free-range parenting.

"If you go to one extreme or the other all the way in your parenting style, you end up making a mistake, because kids don't fall into categories now," said Bolyard, associate editor of the PJ Media's parenting section.

She added that parents should rethink their tactics as their families grow.

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"The way you parent one child will be different than the way you parent the next child."

Parenting styles is one of many topics that Bolyard and her fellow writers cover in the parenting section, which launched in June. She discussed the pros and cons of the two most popular, competing methods in a recent interview.

Helicopter parents try to control every aspect of their children's lives to minimize risk and shield them from the consequences of bad decisions, Bolyard said.

"They want to do everything possible to make sure their kids succeed in life."

By contrast, free-range parents like Danielle and Alexander Meitiv of Maryland choose to give their children more room to mature into strong and independent people. Such parents think many of today's perceived dangers are overblown, so they let their children roam the outdoors and go to school unsupervised.

Both are legitimate parenting philosophies in Bolyard's mind. In fact, she and her husband incorporated elements of both approaches into raising their two sons, who are now 24 and 21.

The Bolyards took a hard line on the technological front, monitoring their boys closely when they were on the Internet or watching television. The boys did not have TVs in their rooms and also were online while in public areas of the house.

"There are huge risks [online]," Bolyard said. "There are online predators. There is inappropriate content that they can be exposed to, especially inappropriate sexual content that they're just not able to understand at a young age and can really warp their minds."

Bolyard and her husband also imposed harsh consequences when warranted. One of her sons, for instance, set up a secret Facebook account. The punishment for his misbehavior fit the crime: He wasn't allowed to use Facebook for several years.

Bolyard lamented that technology has become even more dangerous in the years since her boys became men. The prevalence of smartphones and tablets, along with secretive applications like SnapChat, has made it more difficult for parents to monitor their children's digital behavior.

But she emphasized that parenting ultimately needs to focus more on monitoring a child's character than behavior.

"You have to know your kid's heart," she said.

While technology gave the Bolyards pause as parents, they still sought opportunities to let their children roam freely, especially outside. The boys went to camps and settled arguments without parental intervention.

Free-range parenting paid dividends in that context as their boys matured, she added. They are now brave young men and take stands against political correctness, even publicly on Facebook before friends who criticize their views.

"An important point on all of this is to find balance when parenting," Bolyard said.

The best atmosphere for achieving that balance is in a home with a father and a mother. Bolyard said many mothers have a tendency to coddle children while fathers may be reckless because they give less thought to risks.

"Moms and dads are completely different beings," she said, and children need both influences.

Single parents have to work harder to provide that balance, Bolyard said. The key for them is to surround themselves with a solid support team, whether from their extended family, their religious community or other venues. They also need to be willing to ask for help and not insist on doing everything on their own.

Her husband volunteers in a program that mentors young boys, many of whom do not have fathers at home. Such mentors can teach boys "what it means to be a man and have a job every day and be faithful to your family," Bolyard said. "A lot of kids don't get to see that."

Follow PJ Media’s parenting section for more insights from Bolyard and other experts.