This has not been a good news week for conservatives. We are staggering under the betrayal of the Republican Party, which wrote and passed the omnibus spending bill. Among a zillion other things, this bill quadruples the number of low-skilled foreign "guest workers," funds Obama's foreign refugee resettlement program, funds Planned Butcherhood and increases government regulation on water, ozone and power plants in response to mythical global warming. Oh, and don't forget the trivial little $700 billion in new taxes we will be expected to fork over. Wheee, are we having fun yet?
As Rush pointed out, even though Republicans now have the largest number of congressional seats since the Civil War, it hasn't made any difference at all. Rush says this goes way, way beyond betrayal; he termed it "out-and-out, in-our-face lying."
And of course, this is on the heels of a presidential race that's heating up among both conventional and unconventional candidates. Since everyone and his dog are now vying for the presidency, I would like to offer a humble suggestion to all conservatives: Vote for my husband.
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Yes, really. My husband has some of the best, most constitutionally sound ideas for bringing America back on course of any candidate I've heard.
By way of introduction, I would like to turn over the rest of this column for readers to learn the merest sliver of his platform. Keep in mind I'm limited to 1,000 words in this space, so pardon the brevity.
Without further ado …
Wow! I am honored and humbled to be elected. I certainly didn't see this coming, and I'm positive that 100 percent of you didn't either. Having been duly elected in November of 2016 (and therefore finally providing skeptical atheists with positive proof of both the existence of God and His sense of humor), I'm ready to go! I have a lot of plans. However, since my space here is limited, I'll start by describing my first day in office.
On my first day in office, I will accomplish three goals:
- Rescind every presidential finding, special order, directive, or, God help us, memoranda that are in conflict with the constitutionally enumerated powers of the president (including those I wasn't "allowed" to see until I got the gig).
- "Request" the resignation of every Cabinet director, assistant director and Cabinet-rank official.
- Submit to both houses of the legislature (per 5 U.S. Code § 901 – Purpose; and 5 U.S. Code § 903) my Cabinet Reorganization Plan No. 1 of 2017 – and let me tell you, I plan to reorganize the bejeebers out of the Cabinet.
You see, a whole lot of folks have the mistaken belief that the various federal departments have power over the day-to-day life of the average American citizen. I suppose this mistaken belief comes from having a weeny legislative branch that loves sloughing off its own responsibilities to others and thereby evading blame when things go sideways.
But presidential Cabinet positions were originally created to be assistants to the president and to help him in the performance of his (specifically limited) enumerated duties. Consequently, the Cabinet cannot be more powerful than the president himself.
Here's a tip: The president of the United States, the most powerful individual currently on Earth, cannot legally tell you how big your billboard can be. Nor can he require you to mow your law or be nice to your neighbor. He can't insist that you fill in the water-filled holes your dog dug in the backyard or cater a Kardashian family reunion. These kinds of regulatory powers are not listed in his job description (see U.S. Constitution, Article II).
And if he can't do them, then neither can a bunch of unelected "assistant" presidents.
It's a funny thing: Each and every one of the 50 sovereign states has their own agencies that deal with labor, commerce, transportation, education, energy and the environment. There are plenty of people out there fully capable of making the average citizen's life a living hell without the need for a bunch of distant D.C. drones piling on as well. The whole idea of states is to allow them to compete with each other. If you don't like the rules in one state, you can move to another. Since that concept won't work with the federal monopoly on misery, I'll be "reorganizing" my executive departments to more closely attend to their constitutionally mandated limitations
The EPA can restrict itself to cleaning up the numerous "forts, magazines, arsenals, dock-yards, and other needful buildings" (Article I, Section 8) that represent not only a large portion of the most contaminated Superfund sites in the U.S., but are also the only property the federal government is legally allowed to own.
The Department of the Interior can review all the other properties currently occupied by the federal government that don't fall in the "forts, magazines, etc." for repatriation to the states – since the founding documents apparently overlooked the huge national interest in owning 84 percent of Nevada. My administration will look very favorably upon off-loading these expensive boondoggles to the states. (Except maybe Yosemite. I shudder to think what California might do with Yosemite.)
The Departments of Energy, Commerce, Labor, Health and Human Services, and Housing and Urban Development will be reconstituted into a single new agency: the Department of Diminishing Pension Expenses (DPE).
The Department of Defense will be renamed the Department of War, because if it was good enough for G. Washington, it's good enough for me. (Plus it might cause a few nations or groups to rethink things with regards to the new management.)
The Small Business Administration? How are all you small businesses doing out there? Yeah, I thought so.
The Council of Economic Advisers? Either you're not much good or no one is listening to you. I'll call when I need help. Thank you for your service. Now go get jobs.
Homeland Security. Anyone feeling especially secure? I think I'll save you for tomorrow.
Finally, as the sun sets on D.C. on my first day as president, and before I turn out the lights in the Oval Office, I'll sign a couple of orders for refurbishing and redecorating the bomb shelters under the White House. After all, in the interests of my health, I expect to spend most of the next four years down there.
Good night, America and my fellow citizens. God bless you. I can hardly wait till day two. Hint to Congress: I've never felt shutting down the federal government for a while is necessarily a bad thing.
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Media wishing to interview Patrice Lewis, please contact [email protected].