I'm suspending my campaign for president

Today, I announce I'm suspending my campaign for president of the United States.

I choose this day because I love my country, and this is the best way I can manifest my deep devotion to her.

This announcement will surprise many, I'm sure, because nobody knew I was running. I've purposely kept it secret, waiting for the most dynamic, effective moment. I had decided that the best moment would be one week before the actual election, when the whole citizenry would be in absolute despair, realizing at last there were only two choices – and that either would assure the dissolution of America as we've known her. Voters would be swearing they wouldn't vote for either party or candidate, and the airlines would be swamped with people fighting for the last available seats for New Zealand.

I would then burst on the scene, declaring myself willing and able and available, offering myself as the only reasonable alternative to national self-destruction. I'm the ultimate political "outsider," owing nothing to anybody and endorsed by no one – no enemies, no record of anything and no controversial policies.

I would appeal to seniors, because I'm even older than Bernie Sanders. I would capture the youth vote, because I came in singing rock and roll, and my campaign song is "Tutti Frutti." Even Snoop Dog said in one of his songs "all the girls love Pat Boone," and that's the highest validation young people today, especially black rappers and their fans, could ask for. My candidate for vice president would be Lady Gaga, so that would sew up the female vote.

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Hispanic vote? My wife and I have not one, but two Spanish housekeepers, one actually legal, and my uncle smoked Cuban cigars! My record of "Speedy Gonzales" has been a worldwide hit. I've never learned to curse and don't even know how to spell the worst words. All my movies and songs have been G-rated family entertainment – so I think Middle America loves me, and I love them.

No other candidate can make these claims. I would be elected overnight.

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But looking at the latest polls and seeing on O'Reilly's Watter's World and Jimmy Kimmel's street interviews how abysmally ignorant almost all Americans have become of anything governmental, economic or historic – and seeing the narrowing group of candidates who even have hope of being elected, much less being the answer to what we need – I've made this decision.

I'll be stumping the country, spending every last dime of my own money, promoting the team of Trump and Sanders! Since America is apparently doomed and unsalvageable anyway, let's get it over with. At least treat her to a glorious flameout, a spectacular exit from the world scene in a fantastic fireworks display of bombast, self-promoting rhetoric and scathing insults, lavishly manic taxation and waste of all our resources, devastating irredeemable bankruptcy and the burning of the Constitution. Let's have a wild celebration on the deck of the Titanic, as our tired ship of state hurtles headlong into the looming iceberg!

Let's have the last debate between Trump and Sanders on "The Jerry Springer Show," with a free-for-all brawl between their supporters! Why should the parliaments of Taiwan and Venezuela have all the fun? Forget the Supreme Court. Let Mike Tyson declare who wins!

Now wait, before I get on my "tour bus," an old Isuzu Trooper, I reserve one possibility of a better outcome, here at the edge of the precipice.

What if a strange calm comes over the electorate, people drop out who shouldn't even still be running, and the choice before the American voters comes down to two who actually seem qualified by character, experience and mature judgment – with a modicum of diplomatic civility? Or, even better, one who exhibits these qualities and the other who doesn't?

And miracle of miracles: the great majority of people who are eligible to vote turn off the TV debates, read up on the records of the candidates, get off the couch to register and actually exercise their God-given right to vote! To make their decision, not on campaign ads or hackneyed political promises, but on proven commitments to the Constitution, rule of law, separation of governmental powers and proven examples of standing on moral principle, not PC expediency!

Can we find such a candidate in the pack? Even one? Is there a glimmer of hope for the republic called America? Can one yet emerge who honestly exhibits the qualities of moral leadership and wisdom and courage to lead this mixed-up, messed-up, overburdened nation to a better future?

I'm still looking, even at this late date – and I may have identified one. Like you, I hope, I'm praying to Almighty God for His confirmation, His light on the shoulders of His choice for us as still "One Nation under God."

If this happens, I'll put away my poor campaign posters, shut off the Trooper and join you at the voting booth. God help America!