Donald -- bring in the Slovenian beauty

Why doesn't Donald Trump play his communist card? "What communist card?" you're entitled to wonder. The best anti-communist speech in the world would do nothing except make the speaker sound 35 or 40 years out-of-date.

Not so fast! You're right, a rousing "Tear down this wall!" speech would make Trump seem hopelessly out-of-date. But what's wrong with a few reminders of what communism looks like and lives like at a time when the Democratic Party is speeding perilously pell-mell toward that cliff on the left, led by candidate Hillary Clinton? Sen. Bernie Sanders, avowed socialist, is already there. Hillary has nothing unkind to say about any communist leader, and Bernie spent his honeymoon in Moscow! So, who's out-of-date around here? America is closer to becoming a communist country today than at any other time in history. While we quietly rejoice that there's no apparent enthusiasm on the American left for gulags, torture chambers, more power to more secret police and post-midnight bashing down the front door, America is economically en route to living the economic platform of the Communist Party.

Donald Trump happenstantially holds a unique "communist card," his and his alone. The Germans introduced Big Bertha, a cannon that could hit Paris from 75 miles away in World War I. America's atomic bombs put a quick end to World War II. Trump should now unveil his happier non-violent "weapon."

She's Mrs. Donald Trump, born Melania Knavs (Germanized to "Knauss") in Slovenia, which was part of the old communist Yugoslavia. Her beauty could shatter a glass eye at 80 paces, and her voice is as luscious as a serving of warm cevapcici [pronounced "chuh-VAP-chee-chee"], her homeland's signature sausage!

Donald Trump's ramblings are frequently interesting and obviously effective. I'm not suggesting Trump lean in and belt out the talking points of the Cold War. But it would not be 35 years out-of-date if Trump were to ramble occasionally about Melania and her life under communism. Listen!

TRENDING: WATCH: Students support voting bill, then blow a gasket when they learn it's actually Georgia's law

"Folks, Melania and I have discussed this for hours. All the young people of her native Slovenia harbored dreams of making it to America and freedom. But if America were now to go the way of Slovenia and all those other countries enslaved by communism, there'll be no place left to go!"

Children "over there" were taught the Communist Party line and what happens to those who depart from it. They learn that qualities like the desire to "get ahead" are evil and those who "give in to personal ambition and greed" are "capitalist pigs," more politely called "enemies of the people." They learn the futility of hustling, because under that system nobody can get anywhere anyhow. You learn how it feels to be a human in a cage, unable to leave your own country. State media in communist countries tell you very little that's true about the outside world. But everybody knows it's a lot better in free democratic countries. As religion is successfully destroyed by the communist state, so goes morality. These once-honest countries become godless kleptocracies.

When I checked into the largest hotel in Ljubljana, Slovenia's capital, a sign in the bathroom advised us which hours of which days hot water would be available. The notice was signed not "Thanks for your cooperation" or anything similar. It was signed "Death to Fascism. Long Live the People!" I was the rare American in Yugoslavia, and they were all allowed to applaud and welcome me in a large group. Individually, however, when I asked a university student to dance, she said, "No!" It wasn't one of those "No's" that implied, "Come back when I'm not so tired." It was a stomp-down "No!"

She was smart. She knew that in 1941 the nation was split among local Nazis and two resistance movements. And she knew that, just as Yugoslavia had bolted from Stalin's USSR overnight without warning and allied with America, Yugoslavia could likewise abandon America at any moment, and her name would be memorialized in the Secret Police files as "Our female comrade who once willingly danced with an American!" No dance is worth it!

You don't believe me? Try this one. In free countries, people often line the drawers where they keep socks and underwear with newspapers. Not in communist Yugoslavia. People went to jail for hiding articles praising once-popular but now purged and fallen "Enemies of the People!"

I don't admire communists, but if you stuck a gun against my head and said, "Tell me, who was your favorite communist? – or I'll shoot," I'd save my life by saying, "Yugoslavia's Marshal Tito." He was a communist thug, and when he took over the country after the war he imposed compulsory collectivization of agriculture. But by 1952 he saw what a failure it was. He abruptly declared the farmers were free to go back to their pre-communist private plots. And the jubilant farmers of Yugoslavia celebrated by burning down their barns!

If you've ever done time in a communist country you'll know what follows is not a joke. It's a keen analysis.

Question: What would happen if the communists took over the Sahara Desert?

Answer: For three years, nothing. Then they'd have to import sand from the West!

Media wishing to interview Barry Farber, please contact [email protected].