Megyn, Michelle, Carly: Powerpuff girls in politics

By Patty Ann Malley

Powerpuff girls
Powerpuff girls

Guess what, boys and girls? Er, I mean, girls? (Addressing boys is strictly verboten. The objective: speak to girls, only girls. That way, if boys aren’t quick enough to grasp the message of their redundancy, girls will tell them.) Anyway, that gum-ball colored cartoon circa 1990s, “The Powerpuff Girls,” is rebooting. Yep, you heard it here. And with an uptick in female writers! Better to relate those women’s issues, don’t ya know. The first new episode will air Monday, April 4 at 6:00 p.m. Eastern on Cartoon Network!

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It’s worth planning your whole week around, don’t you think?

For those unfamiliar with this animated classic, the show revolves around the adventures of three girls created in a lab by Professor Utonium. But instead of making girls who were “sugar, spice and everything nice,” he accidentally spilled a mysterious substance called “Chemical X” into the mixture, thus endowing the girls with superpowers and distinct personalities: Blossom (who is pink) is the “nice” one; Bubbles (blue) is “sugar” (cute and sensitive); and Buttercup (green) is the “spicy,” rough, tough, all-action girl.

Excited? Interested? You should be, if you care about your daughters and the men they will someday have to navigate life with beyond the school room. But hey, according to Wired.com’s K.M. McFarland, the Powerpuff Girls’ “… timing is perfection!”

Gosh, it sure is for me. So just for fun, let’s fill the roles of Powerpuff girls with real-life candidates.

Days before I saw this announcement, I was trying to figure out how to photoshop headshots of Fox News’s Megyn Kelly, one-time Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields, and former presidential candidate Carly Fiorina above the itty bitty power-packed cartoon bodies of Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup.

Now, I won’t presume to say who is the sensitive one, the smart one, or the strong one. But Michelle Fields, who dared bruises for a must-have question about affirmative action pitched toward front-runner Donald Trump, may qualify for sensitive. Black lives matter after all, just like those of every other human being – including the unborn.

I admit, however, Ms. Fields has proved herself rather dull. Can she really be a Bubbles? If she were truly sensitive, she would catch a clue that she overstepped herself – or at least took a calculated risk – when two Secret Service agents had to instruct her to back away from a presidential candidate.

But Ms. Fields was shaken and nearly thrown to the ground, according to the Washington Post reporter Ben Terris, who gleaned details fresh from the victim on site. We now know, thanks to exhaustive video, that the details weren’t vetted as they should have been. But before you judge, know this: Ms. Fields was shaken, poor thing. Shaken and horribly intimidated from doing her job. That must account for the discrepancy between facts and cries of foul.

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After all, a Powerpuff girl would never lie. Never exaggerate. Never spin. Not even when she has a book due out in June of this year! Girls aren’t like that. And if you think they might be – well, shame on you.

"Bubbles" and Michelle Fields
“Bubbles” and Michelle Fields

The clucking and cooing in the aftermath of the obvious delirium that saw Fields run with a story without prior approval of her Breitbart editor – the highly unprofessional action that got her fired – was proof enough that Ms. Fields was traumatized to the core. She is, get that, very sensitive. And while she fights for equal treatment, Ms. Field’s won’t go home without the preferential.

And by gum, Megyn Kelly, of Vanity Fair’s “Don’t Mess with Megyn Kelly” fame, is going to make darned sure Ms. Fields gets that equal treatment! Very smartly, Ms. Kelly uses her pulpit at Fox News to defend women’s equality. Just last week she hosted a panel of conservative women wherein two called for the firing of Cory Lewandowski for his smearing of Ms. Fields … even before a court proved him guilty of a crime.

But it was Lewandowski’s attack on Field’s character that was the issue – a character that showed a woman who often makes more news than she reports. But where is the equality? Where is the outraged denunciation from the pulpit of Ms. Field’s overblown attempt to become the news – again? Is that how it is now? Guilty until proven innocent?

Or must integrity – and those men who refuse to play – be scarified on the altar of political correctness so a network star can go supernova at the expense of genuine equality and (the whole) truth?

Just last April, Ms. Kelly gave former presidential contender Rand Paul a scolding, according to the properly trained Sam Seder at the Minority Report. And yet, Kelly herself left Paul with the following assurance: “… to me it’s ironic that the people trying to step in and protect these female interviews are themselves being sexist while they’re suggesting that you were sexist because you didn’t kowtow and weren’t polite enough to your female interviewers. So, there’s my two cents on it.”

Megyn Kelly and "Blossom"
Megyn Kelly and “Blossom”

It’s ironic to me, too! What’s changed? Ratings? Poll numbers? Walking orders? Who cares? Smart girls know how to handle these sticky conflicts. What’s being handled, however, is the flip switch of manners versus modernism, tradition versus trending, and Powderpuff versus power-play. Smart? Heck yeah. Okay, Ms. Kelly wins the role of Blossom. She’s the smart one. And another one with a book deal on the horizon. A very good deal.

That leaves the role of Buttercup. One tough cookie! But it’s not merely by default that Carly Fiorina snags the part. It takes strength, after all, and years of seasoned muscle to hack those corporate vines through the jungle of high-tech America! It takes cast-iron resolve and nerves of steel to command that Hewlett Packard steamship, facing down countless employees at pep-talk reorganization rallies when everyone and their brother knows the pink slip is only days away.

As for “that face,” I know of one HP family – that is, they were an HP family – that used Ms. Fiorina’s face (a high gloss 2D version) as a therapy dart board. So for me, “… who would vote for that face?” was a legitimate question that had zero to do with looks and everything to do with what Ms. Fiorina stood for – that being, Ms. Fiorina.

Carly Fiorina and "Buttercup"
Carly Fiorina and “Buttercup”

More recently, Fiorina, despite her POTUS competition bow-out, took on the aura of a mother bear, coming to the defense of Cub Cruz in a swift, one-two interrupt. Why? Well, to keep her little one from the sublime indignity of becoming a confessed, serially faithful husband.

That poor reporter who asked Cruz the simple question, “Can you say you’ve always been faithful to your wife?” is likely still stinging from that verbal bear claw. I half expected to see this young man cosseted on prime time, if only to salve the gaping wound. I mean, I doubt Ms. Fiorina knows his name, even though she is thoroughly convinced she knows his mental motives, attributing them to front-runner Donald Trump and some ignominious henchmen who shall not be named. Wow!

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I wonder if Ms. Fiorina considers whose tune is getting her to tap dance? Or maybe she just doesn’t care, and enjoys playing her role as Powerpuff Enforcer.

Maybe the smiling amnesia is the effect of that magic ingredient – Chemical X – that Professor Utonium used in the lab. Real-life Powerpuff gals aren’t all created by the same brand of Chemical X. And the components of that still-secret ingredient shift, much like their loyalties.

But all these Powerpuff women are on board with fighting (and bringing down) the evil Man-Boy who longs for a ManCity – today and for future generations, thanks to the programming allowed by parents who still don’t understand the danger of unknown additives!

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