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The hidden reasons why Ted Cruz's campaign went down

Sen. Ted Cruz suspends his campaign for president on May 3, 2016 (Photo: Twitter)

Imagine this: I was writing my column, blithely working away on tips for the Cruz campaign, when it all came crashing down. Not that tongue-in-cheek suggestions are likely to reroute electoral history, but those little things do matter.

Consider that an elastomer “O-ring” caused the disintegration of the Challenger space shuttle. Or that one lunatic Yugoslav shot an archduke, leading to World War I, which left bitter Germans creating World War II. This induced the birth of the UN and EU, which made things worse than they found them.

Considering the importance of trivia, a candidate’s hair, height and image may have monumental importance in the vast scheme of things.

Senator Cruz, your true problem wasn’t rival Donald Trump, but an image problem. Being decent and sane wasn’t getting you anywhere and is so passé. Long ago, Americans stopped valuing virtue in political candidates. Haven’t you noticed? Or as our Great Leader would say, “Virtues are JV.”

There’s no market in ethics and patriotism. Image is everything. What works? Take a look at Trump, Hillary and winners in the last few elections, and you’ll see patterns: Sound bites. Trite slogans. Flush friends and other friends who need to get flush fast. Subtle threats. Bold lies. Incitements to race/class/sex wars. Delusions of grandeur. Polished narcissism. Ad-hoc attacks. Bullying (loudest with the most insults wins). Traveling thug crew to shake the competition. Photogenic or unusual appearance. Height (that’s a big one). Poses and posturing. Thousands of insincere promises. Snarky music videos getting stuck in the public consciousness.

This is what it takes to reach the great, white-pillared palace on Pennsylvania Avenue!

To console you, Mr. Cruz, I’ve put together some mock-ups of strategies that appear to be working. This is how low you must be willing to plunge in order to win hearts of the public and win elections. Get ready to get dirty.

Makeover 1: The Gore/grandiosity maneuver

Al Gore served eight years as vice president in spite of claims to have “invented the internet.” This catapulted him into Democratic stardom where he continues to rake in millions with his energy-credit Ponzi schemes. See what it could do for you or other conservatives. Even after office, many morons would still believe you and hold you in reverence. You could speak at the UN and broker huge deals while threatening dissenters. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Conservative makeover #1: Try the Gore ‘Delusions of Grandeur’ maneuve

Makeover 2: Wonky hair strategy

What really grabs the press isn’t all that defense, jobs or human-rights stuff, but money, hot wives, scandals – and hair. Trump’s hair is a lightning rod to distract from the possibility of any serious commentary. Try this look next round and it may go differently.

Conservative makeover #2: Appeal to the masses and media

Makeover 3: Big, bold lies platform

No more little white lies. Use only outrageous, preposterous whoppers. They leave the huddled masses (who love their dictators brassy) in breathless admiration. Think Hillary and “This movie caused all that trouble in Libya.” Or her employer, who insisted:

After hundreds of documented lies, Obama was re-elected anyway. Americans love being played!

Conservatives should give it a try it, although your predecessors have already used all the really big ones.

Makeover 4: Have a presidential militia

Goons and thugs will follow in rapt attention, ready to fulfill your slightest whim and punish your enemies. That’s how the Libs do it; and if it’s good enough for them. Tear a page from the Dem’s playbook and find something that appeals to the basest instincts of the human race for once. (Obama has his America trash-talk and race wars, Hillary has her war on babies, and Sanders has his legions of anarchists). How can a mild-mannered, civilized Republican ever hope to compete? Drill team nuns with a big lead crucifix?

Makeover 5: Glitter and fairy dust spectacle

This takes posturing, lots of photo sessions, drooling press men (like Chris Matthews), intense PR crusades and True Believer artists. Obama had Michael Moore (among others) doing propaganda work in Hollywood for him. Shepard Fairy made Obama’s unknown face ubiquitous. But it couldn’t have happened without the Huffington Post, New York Times and other adjuncts of the Democratic Party who made certain everyone saw the little posters and heard Correct Things.

Who do we have? Someone could buy the New York Times. It’s in desperate need of a makeover.

Makeover 6: Swooning maidens performance piece (Conservative version)

Every candidate needs a few swooning maidens and hysterical fanatics at their rallies. Hitler had them, rock singers have them and so did our current Great Leader. I’m certain it was always spontaneous and not paid or anything, so I guess you could hope for divine favor while the cameras are on. It could happen.

Find hysterical women (rare in Republicans) to give media something of their caliber to discuss

Makeover 7: Hype! Slogans! (for airheads)

Sir, you needed this as, recent elections proved. All the best dictators have them and they are de rigueur for Marxist/Socialists/left-wingers. Why don’t conservatives just give up intelligent conversation, as it wearies at least half of America’s voters? We could do something equivalently meaningless to the “hope/change” mantra, random things like: “Your pug,” “consanguinity,” “thinking is hard,” and “I like tamales.” Attach profound gravitas to each and try not to laugh while using in public.

Makeover 8: GQ/Playboy style image promo (If you consider running again)

Heidi is lovely, but she needs to lose that wholesome, girl-next-door look. To be on the safe side, shoot Heidi up with a buckets of botox and slather on make-up with a trowel. She could also consider anorexia. Add to your height via platform shoes and hair spikes, while fluorescent teeth could give that je ne sais quoi. These things will make Americans feel secure enough to entrust a nation into your hands.

Conservatives: substance is dead, image is everything

Makeover 9: Narcissistic development

Remember – while following in the footsteps of our Great Leader, everything will be all about you, just as it was all about him. Crimes? Riots? Always take the side of those who look a little more like you. You have pen and a phone? It’s a divine sign! Obama hath shown the way. Why try to chart an altruistic, ethical course when narcissism has done so well for others?

Makeover 10: Use women as accessories, devalue in general and keep your head up!

Most Americans are fine with misogyny, poor manners and arrogance in their leaders. Look at what we’ve got. Every candidate should work on developing these qualities to be considered worthy of the highest offices in our land. And that posture! Take a look at what successful leaders have in common. Heads up and chins jutted so high a drone could fly up their nose.

Makeover 11: Snarky music video production team

The sad facts are, conservatives don’t seem to have many of the biggest celebrity musicians on our side. Most of them find people who sell baby parts really sexy. Jennifer Lopez was “star struck” by Obama in 2009 and most celebs have clung to his side like glittery little barnacles. Learn from the POTUS who flatters the mostus (they will probably support anything with a “D’ after its name anyway.)

Republicans should rap, curse, hate cops, use coke and learn hip hop dancing, to court this crowd. For the Wall Street bunch, just make billions and flash it around with promises of profits. The numbers will mesmerize them.