Donald Trump may have won the election, but the Washington pigs are ready to rush the White House and run his government for him. It will be hard to keep them out. So far, though, he looks like he’s got this figured out.
Here’s how it works.
He has to have specialists who can run the different departments of the White House, and that means people who have done it before. If you want someone to run Communications, they will tell him, you have to have someone who has run Communications at the Pentagon or HHS – someone who has experience.
You can’t just bring in a ballplayer to the major leagues if he has had no experience in college ball or the minor leagues. And you can’t bring up a first baseman and expect him to play third base.
So once you bring in that new White House Director of Public Liaison, for example, who ran coalitions on Capitol Hill or at the Labor Department, or for Sen. Snort, who hated Trump, he or she will quickly populate it with friends. They will open the door and rush them in. “Quick, quick, before they close the door.”
Most of Sen. Snort’s people will be in there. Trump haters all.
“Oh, we need her, Mr. President; she knows how to do this in her sleep. She’s the best.”
“Hiya, Mr. President,” giggle, giggle. “Yes, I didn’t vote for you, but boy am I now convinced that you are the best!” Giggles and squeals.
The few loyal Trump folks will soon be isolated and set up for failures, which will be leaked to the pig buddies in the media who are happy to oblige since they have known the pigs for years and depend on the pigs for their stories.
The Weekly Piggy Magazine will have their folks stop by, urging the new Trump White House to promote government grants to the Hogwarts think tank, which buys ads in their magazine, which pays their salary, which pays their mortgage.
And if the Trump White House doesn’t play along with the corruption, they will have Miss Piggy, who writes a column for their magazine, appear on Fox News to declare, “Trump is not a true conservative: He is now abandoning the Hogwarts think tank! Imagine that? Reagan loved Hogwarts.”
Most pundits correctly predicted that Trump would bring in the Big Bad Wolf to be his chief of staff. But to President Trump’s disgust, in time, he may learn that the Big Bad Wolf also likes the pigs – though he’ll appear downright loyal by comparison.
The Big Bad Wolf may even sacrifice loyal Trump folk and sometimes feed them to the pigs. He would tell Mr. Trump that he, the Big Bad Wolf, alone stands between the president and a devouring host.
“I told those little piggies, Mr. President, that if they don’t behave, I will huff and I will puff and I will blooooow their houses in.”
“Thanks, Big Bad Wolf,” Trump will say. “Thank God that at least YOU are loyal to me.”
But it looks like that isn’t going to happen to Trump. He’s not bringing in only the Big Bad Wolf, but now he’s bringing in Roadrunner, too. He will have both of them run things at the White House. One can blow their houses down if they don’t get the work done, and the other can run circles around them.
So what more can you ask?
I’ll tell you. Trump needs a troika, a triad. Two will fight. Three – as Reagan taught us with Baker, Deaver and Meese – are even better. You will have one who can offer the tie-breaking vote.
So yes, the president-elect is almost there. But he still needs Yosemite Sam. You know who I’m talking about? The one with the loud mouth and short temper. Trump’s got his Baker and his Meese, but he still needs his loyalty enforcer. His Lewandowski – at least to get things started. Because in the White House, the president knows, loyalty Trumps competence.
Now those are the pigs in the parlor.
What’s outside? The corporations with their lobbyists who want everyone to be burdened by regulations, except themselves. Who want money direct from the government, without competitive bids. And who want money direct from the Federal Reserve where they can just print it as electronic numbers on a page.
And they aren’t pigs. They are hogs. And they are really, really dangerous. Even the Big Bad Wolf is afraid of them. Roadrunner can only run for the hills. Yosemite Sam can only stutter. But that’s another story for another column.
