'Swamp creatures' on rampage as Trump drains D.C.

Like something out of a Hollywood horror film, grotesque swamp creatures have been reported rampaging not just in Washington, D.C., but across the nation as President Trump drains the D.C. swamp – and it has not been a pretty sight.

Even while Donald Trump was being sworn in as America's 45th president, thousands of angry swamp creatures waving signs were seen slithering along Pennsylvania Avenue, waiting to pounce on the newly inaugurated president's motorcade.

The next day, hundreds of thousands more filled the Washington Mall, led by swamp creatures Madonna and Ashley ("I'm a nasty woman!") Judd. Madonna mused about killing the president on just his second day in office saying, "Yes, I am outraged. Yes, I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House."

Fortunately, the Secret Service swamp creature detail quickly investigated the threat and referred the case to the U.S. Attorney's Office to evaluate for possible prosecution, as Madonna, Judd and company escaped back into the swamp.

Trump's promise

While on the campaign trail, presidential candidate Donald Trump vowed to "drain the swamp" in Washington. Beginning on Day 1, President Trump signed executive orders to start the swamp-draining process – but as the waterline began to lower, it soon became evident there were many more swamp creatures to eradicate than first suspected.

Obama administration swamp creatures

Shortly after assuming office, President Trump discovered that lingering Obama administration swamp creatures could not be trusted when acting Attorney General Sally Yates refused to support Trump's executive order on travel aimed at protecting the country from terrorists. In open defiance, Yates directed Justice Department lawyers not to defend the president's executive order. Reminiscent of a scene form "The Apprentice," Trump promptly fired swamp creature Yates, sending her packing.

Not to be outdone, numerous anonymous Obama administration "deep state" swamp creature holdovers sought to undermine President Trump by criminally leaking classified information to the press – such as details of confidential phone conversations between Trump and the presidents of Mexico and Australia. Obama holdovers also tried to implicate Trump officials in wrongdoing by revealing contacts with "Russian" officials.

Congressional swamp creatures

As expected, longstanding Democratic swamp creatures Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer have actively obstructed President Trump's agenda in Congress, causing the Senate confirmations of Trump's Cabinet nominees to be the slowest in 30 years.

Schumer also led attacks against Trump administration officials over alleged Russian election interference – even calling for recently confirmed Attorney General Jeff Sessions' resignation because he had met with the Russia ambassador. In response, the Drudge Report published a photo of Schumer yucking-it-up with Russian buddy Vladimir Putin over coffee and donuts, exposing Schumer's hypocrisy.

House Intelligence Committee hearings have also been convened to investigate the false narrative "the Russians" hacked and maneuvered Trump into the White House, tainting the election and delegitimizing his presidency forever. Under oath Monday, FBI Director James Comey and NSA head Michael Rogers admitted there was "no" evidence any alleged Russian election interference changed even one vote in Trump's favor.

Judicial swamp creatures

One of President Trump's chief campaign promises was to "Make America safe again." To that effect, he signed an executive order temporarily halting all travel from seven Middle East countries most noted for aggressive terrorism.

Without warning, judicial swamp creature U.S. District Judge James Robart emerged from the swamp just long enough to issue a temporary restraining order blocking Trump's ban. Ruling in swamp judge tradition, Robart failed to even address the underlying law the executive order was based on, focusing only on the social impact.

Following Judge Robart's ruling, a three swamp judge panel from the 9th 'Circus' Court of Appeals upheld the lower court's decision, setting the stage for further Trump administration appeals – but not an ounce of protection for the American people. Most recently, Hawaiian swamp Judge Derrick Watson blocked a revised Trump travel ban – and the president has vowed to fight the ruling all the way to the Supreme Court.

Swamp media

Mirroring their 2016 presidential campaign coverage, the swamp media have unleashed a nonstop barrage of lies and subterfuge in an attempt to slime President Trump, dismantle his fledgling administration and pull him down into the swamp with them. An exhaustive Media Research Center study of broadcast news during Trump's first 30 days in office found that 88 percent of all broadcast news coverage of Trump and his administration was "hostile."

Attempts by swamp news outlets to characterize Trump assertions as "fake news" during this same period backfired when the term became synonymous with ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, Yahoo News, the New York Times, the Washington Post – and especially CNN. Memorializing CNN's swamp status in stone at a press conference, Trump responded to CNN reporter Jim Acosta concerning the network, "You are fake news!"

Hollywood swamp creatures

Not to be outdone, a virtual army of hostile Hollywood swamp creatures has emerged to assault and slime the new president over the public airwaves. In multiple attacks, actor Alec Baldwin has oozed from the "Saturday Night Live" swamp to impersonate President Trump in an attempt to deride his character, his administration and his agenda.

At this year's Hollywood Foreign Press Golden Globe Awards, swamp actress Meryl Streep assailed Trump in a five-minute-long "acceptance speech," scolding the president for attacking and vilifying "Hollywood, foreigners and the press." Streep failed to realize, however, that Trump's recent comments and policies were not directed at Hollywood, foreigners or the press – but rather at foreign swamp creatures, press swamp creatures and Hollywood swamp creatures of which she was one.

The most unfortunate incident concerning Hollywood swamp creature assaults, however, came when a cadre of noted swamp actors failed to honor their promises to move to Canada (or elsewhere) if Trump were elected. Those who failed to self-deport included: Whoopi Goldberg, Miley Cyrus, Amy Schumer, Bryan Cranston, Lena Dunham, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher (who promised to move to Jupiter), George Lopez – and, of course, perennial lip-service self-deportee whenever Republicans win, Barbra Streisand.

Swamp creature protests

The day after Trump's election, violent protests exploded nationwide as angry swamp creatures wreaked havoc and denounced the president-elect. Non-stop protests under various pretexts then continued until Inauguration Day – with brazen calls even made for Trump's assassination.

Following President Trump's inauguration, protests continued to erupt magically against his every action with the precision of a Mussolini train schedule. As suspected, the majority of these "spontaneous protests" were not organic, but staged by various leftist community swamp organizing groups, including Barack Obama's Organizing for Action (aka "Organizing for the Swamp").

Swamp protesters have also converged on Republican town hall meetings nationwide to spew venom. At Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy's town hall meeting in late February, protestors even booed, shouted and heckled during the Pledge of Allegiance and the opening prayer – booing the loudest at the prayer's closing, "in Jesus' name." This prompted Sen. Cassidy to say, "Wow, they booed the name of Jesus."

Recently, Obama has re-emerged from the swamp to take up residency in his swanky new Washington, D.C., Kalorama mansion (aka the Swamp House) reported to be the nerve center of the insurgency to oust Trump from the presidency.

To that end, former Obama White House swamp adviser Valerie Jarrett has reportedly moved into the Swamp House to help mastermind the Trump resistance and to protect the Obama swamp legacy by either forcing Trump's impeachment or his resignation.

As the Obamas settle into their new residence, it has been reported they also plan to redecorate the mansion – and even install their own swamp (i.e., swimming pool) on the property so they can feel more at home.

Nationwide swamp creature alert issued

In light of these recent swamp protests and activities, the public is urged to be on guard as swamp creatures continue to emerge from the Washington, D.C., swamp and swamps across America, wreaking havoc. Reports confirm these swamp creatures are dangerous and filled with great wrath, because they know that their time is short.

Citizens are urged to be on high alert in public places and to report any suspicious activity. Although rampages are forecast to continue for at least the next several months, and likely over the next four years, swamp creature resistance is expected to gradually lessen as President Trump drains the Washington, D.C., swamp and America becomes great again.