Have you encountered manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths? If so, how can you identify them and neutralize the danger they pose to you and your loved ones?
Enter Shahida Arabi. People rave about her approach to this issue. I would highly recommend any concerned parties read, deconstruct and memorize her work. Arabi’s insightful article, “20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You,” is a godsend.
To begin, a sociopath, says Arabi, will engage in “gaslighting.” They are not only pathological liars, they try to make you think you’re crazy when you analyze/document their nutty behavior. “I didn’t hit you while you were holding a little baby. I didn’t violently assault a defenseless 3-year-old child. You didn’t do all my important schoolwork for me. In fact, you didn’t do any.” Remember, they’re never wrong and often try to warp reality. They’ll even fight in a rage about your official scientific DNA report and origins. Like the character George on TV’s “Seinfeld,” they believe their own lies. And as George said, “Remember it’s not a lie if you (yourself) believe it!”
Arabi describes the “idealization phase” during which the sociopath lures you in. Then they cut you off from your friends and what you love to do. You’ll hear things like, “You don’t have a bank account.” “You have no friends.” “You’re a loser.” “You’re a moocher.” (Even after you’ve handed them cash.) Forget reciprocation. They won’t take care of you if you get sick or injured – even when working on their behalf. It could be poison oak, a sprained ankle, pneumonia or kidney stones. Write down every injury you’ve had, and then try to write down the care they gave you.
“Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized, as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. You’re essentially … afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.
“If there is anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it. Narcissists are pathologically envious. Your happiness represents everything they feel they cannot have in their emotionally shallow lives. After all, if you learn that you can get validation, respect and love from other sources besides the toxic person, what’s to keep you from leaving them? To toxic people, a little conditioning can go a long way to keep you walking on eggshells and falling just short of your big dreams.”
What you can do? Ask yourself if such a person ever took care of their mother, father and sibling(s). Do you think someone who assaults a child won’t assault you – repeatedly?
The fact is, you don’t owe anyone a second chance. This isn’t baseball. One strike, and you’re out. While it’s true that many children who endure the nightmare of a loud, vulgar, drunken, violent parent (mother or father) might turn away from a life of drugs and alcohol, that doesn’t mean a child needs two parents acting out. One disgraced mother (or father) is enough.
Another thing Arabia points out (as noted above) is how narcissists and sociopaths like to ruin your events, victories and holidays. I would recommend keeping a daily journal of their violence, insults, abuse, drugs and drunkenness. If they were drunk on Christmas, smashing a child’s Nativity toy set, throwing up and punching/pushing you, would you be surprised if they are/were drunk, nearly falling down and slurring their words on Easter Sunday after a baptism? Remember, the sociopath won’t see any linkage in any of this – and will actually try to blame you for their derangement. Don’t drink alcohol with such people.
As Arabi says, getting rid of the narcissistic sociopath is “going to be the best decision you’ve ever made.” Find a partner who will love, honor and cherish you. Find someone who can honor the baptismal vows to “defend against all works of the devil.” Protect your children at all costs!
A sewer of drugs
Drug dealers are sociopaths who may one day begin threatening your children – especially as teenagers. What you can do is to covertly contact the DEA “watch list” here. File a class-action lawsuit. Expose all drug stakeholders through the Internet. If your community has an ongoing drug problem, ask your state legislature to deploy specially-trained troops and the DEA around your community at strategic checkpoints. Get this all in writing and keep detailed records. Remember that in every community, some poor teen with low self-esteem will be used as a human laboratory subject to test “safe” LSD, ecstasy and meth. Find and expose that youngster to the DEA before that kid gets to your child or teen. Some teens (and teens-turned-adults) have no shame about turning their loving parents’ home into the Home Depot of drugs. Remember, no matter who dies, who is disgraced, who gets taken away in an ambulance, they won’t stop. You have to dismantle their drug network.
The main thing to remember is you don’t have to take it. The DEA is always interested in freezing bank accounts and seizing homes and assets – even without a conviction. Show the very same lack of mercy and restraint to the drug dealers that they show when trying to poison the mind, body, soul and future of your innocent child.
You owe your spouse, relatives, neighbors and family nothing in this regard. Tolerance is the last virtue of a morally bankrupt civilization. We are at war with drugs. Remember that wars involve disinformation, betrayal and asymmetrical tactics.
Next, understand that “birds of a father flock together.” Choose your child’s friends wisely. You can’t choose your parents, but you can monitor your child’s friends. Your children will become like their friends, so always be observant. Avoid friends and marriage partners who are godless, drunk, use and sell drugs, pathological liars, lazy, violent, don’t help their parents, disorganized, aren’t active listeners, broken, know-it-alls and those who have no prayer life, no wisdom, no desire for truth, no righteousness and no desire to improve.
Remember, if all of someone’s relationships failed, if they never took care of their parents, if they hit you or assaulted a child – then there are reasons for this. This isn’t just bad luck. The same level of care a daughter gives her father will be exact same level she gives to her husband. How a son treats his mother is the measure of how he’ll treat his wife.
When you hear you’re a “loser,” “ugly” or an “old man,” you’re facing demoralizing lexis. But the broken sociopath who curses you most likely also curses their own mother, their university classmate, their adviser and others. This is not just about you. This is their modus operandi. Do those you love and serve say “thank you” when you hand over all your hard-earned money? Such a person is likely a “frontrunner,” meaning they’re on board when things are going great or somehow work out – even after they’ve done their best to undermine your confidence (as Arabia has noted above). Yet they’ll quickly turn on you in your darkest hour. Don’t forget this.
They’ll also likely blame you for their “missing” personal items, because they can’t take care of their own belongings (keys, driver’s license, clothing, iPad). Watch out for signs of life-long, archetype teen-era infantilization. Many adults are emotionally and mentally stuck at the age of 15 – the age when they began their alcohol and drug use and stopped normalized development.
As the years go by, the impact of teenaged-era use of LSD and ecstasy will become apparent. The frontrunner might leave you behind to go to a party even if you’re on your deathbed. They’ll demand you buy them drugs and will throw a tantrum if you don’t.
Arabi says that if your conversations are filled with stupidity, non-sequiturs and a lack of logic, what she calls, “epic mindf—ery” and “nonsensical conversations from hell,” there is a reason for it. The narcissist doesn’t care what you have to say. In reality, they can’t wait for you to stop talking so they can talk again. Notice how they constantly interrupt you to the point that you basically give up trying to communicate with them. Pointing this out to them is useless, since admitting the extent of their brokenness is a form of death to them.
Says Arabi: “In order to resist gaslighting, it’s important to ground yourself in your own reality – writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.”
Sociopaths are quick to anger and won’t forgive. They’ll have one standard for themselves and another for you. They usually squander their God-given talents. And as such, they might lack in personal achievements. Over time, you’ll eventually witness their hatred of the God of the Bible. Their god is “them.”
Your marching orders
Get your kids away from narcissists and sociopaths. Moreover, get your children playing sports and learning foreign languages (Mandarin, Spanish, Latin), martial arts and classical music at a young age. This will help keep them away from drugs as teenagers. Teach your children about love, kindness, honor, sacrifice and self-respect. Spartan regiments, athletics, military training, Boy Scouts, gardening, cooking as the transference of multi-generational culture, chores and housework are all character-builders.
Arabi’s salient, useful work can be found here and here. Remember, the sociopath will do their best to convince you no one else will ever want you. Don’t listen to that. Believe in yourself. Be humble and seek the wisdom of the Supreme Being. Stay focused. Always try to improve your situation. You can’t keep a good man – or a good woman – down.
Arabi explains: “I don’t care how many harem members love the narcissistic abuser. I don’t care if the narcissist is on the cover of Time Magazine for Person of the Year. Their popularity with others or public façade doesn’t make them immune to being abusive. In fact, many malignant narcissists disguise themselves as loving people. That is the nature of their false mask: they are wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
Arabi’s insights can help you navigate a world cursed by broken, violent sociopaths and pathological liars. There are no victims – only volunteers. When anything comes directly from God, it’s easy. Learn to let go of the people, places, thoughts and habits that no longer serve you. We have been told by the sacred religious texts in our culture that love is patient, kind and slow to anger. It endures and hopes all things. With all of this in mind, don’t forget to love yourself.