Now 'Lord of the Rings' is racist

Eating "manflesh"? Why not "womxn flesh"?

Lord of the Racists?

Do you like Frodo and Bilbo Baggins of the Shire? Of course you do, you racist! Classics like J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" – the presumptive elitism in the title should clue you in – are rife with evil. Evil that must be purged, if not from shelves then from the "like" column of everyone on the planet.

The call for inclusivity doesn't include those with a love of literature (or anyone making a simple statement these days). There's no "simple." You just haven't looked deep enough to find your thickly layered bias, bubbling up to taint everything you touch. But trust me, it's there!

So back to J.R.R. Tolkien's diseased manifesto, encouraging young and old to discriminate.

"American author Andy Duncan said British author JRR Tolkien depicted evil creatures such as orcs as 'worse than others,'" according to the UK's Daily Mail, "and said this had 'dire consequences for society'." (So does being a relatively unknown author in this instance.)

Dire – like using one's five senses to engage the world, recognizing that not everything or everyone is out to hug you and share their hunk of white-man flesh?

Seriously, progressives should be pleased Orcs were dehumanized in Tolkien's world, since "man" flesh is a micro-aggression against females. (That's womxn. "Womyn" is strictly out, as that carries trans-overtones that go beyond the scope of this column. Not all womxn have wombs, apparently.)

Anyway, please excuse this writer's use of an abhorrent term – female – to describe gender-diverse Homo sapiens, although this transgression on the part of the Orcs could be their aversion to consuming anything short of male flesh. Quite possibly this is why the Orc army chooses to follow the White Hand of Saruman who supplies them with "man's flesh to eat," in "The Two Towers."

Consider: Ugluk, an Orc leader, commanded his troops to "Sit on the grass and wait for the white skins to join the picnic." Does Ugluk have a preference for white meat? Male meat? For shame. He should be an equal-opportunity diner, but he's not. And while Orc flesh may be consumed, it's not preferred. There are no Orc womxn, are there? If not, why not? Tolkien's preemptive strike for women is marked.

Not so Andy Duncan's dismissal. Orc bias is dangerous for society.

Duncan – who seems to be seeking to make a name for himself at the expense of J.R.R. Tolkien – is "known as a fierce critic of racism, particularly the Nazi Germany regime in the 1930s and 40s." But that he's short-sighted (because he fails to consider context) is a no-brainer.

Tolkien was a stellar advocate against racism in his time. "In a letter to his British publisher Stanley Unwin, he condemned Nazi 'race-doctrine' as 'wholly pernicious and unscientific,'" according to Wikipedia. "He added that he had many Jewish friends and was considering 'letting a German translation go hang.'"

But reality doesn't fit today's narrative, at least not that of a male who has no consideration for the complex social interplay of dismissing womxn. Who killed the Witch King of Agmar?

Check. It. OUT!

I'm team Tolkien all the way!

And yet, "Duncan told podcast Geek's Guide to the Galaxy, run by Wired Magazine: 'It's hard to miss the repeated notion in Tolkien that some races are just worse than others, or that some peoples are just worse than others.'"

I'm waiting for Duncan to make that announcement at a KKK rally or Nazi revival. How about at a cannibal food fest? Duncan looks tender enough. Geek's Guide to the Galaxy is all well and good, but changing society is what's needed. Right? (We'll let a man's dismissal of womxn go unchallenged for the moment.) Cultural appreciation must come before self-preservation. Always. Otherwise, what have we become? An Orc's lunch?

You bet. Now pass the salt and lie still while you're divvied up, otherwise we'll know you're racist!

Preying on the weak … and the weak-minded

A long wait at the hospital got you down? There are options!

"A hospital in Ontario is advertising 'Medical Aid in Dying' in its urgent care waiting room," Life Site news reports. Just in time for the holidays when, thanks to increased activity, accidents can happen. Depression is at its highest during the Christmas rush, so why not advertise?

But hey, services are services. You want to meet customer needs, right? And where better to solicit an angel of death than in the hospital waiting room. Sick people. Dying people. Depressed people … and their relatives. Door-to-door doesn't provide the biggest bang for the buck.

But a hospital? Think about it. Really.

Golly, we never considered offing Grandma. Do you think she'll go for it? Grandpa's been joking about getting a new model for a while, maybe he really wants one. (They're producing DNA-edited females in China now, so putting in an order may not be far off!)

"Wesley J. Smith of the Discovery Institute writes that a source sent him the above photograph of a public information announcement that appears on a large television screen in a William Osler Health System hospital urgent care waiting room. The same advert can be found on the health system's website."

How compassionate. How fortuitous. Suffering people need the alternative of offing themselves while waiting for care. They need to be given the option of ending others' pain as they selfishly await expensive treatments. Soylent green may not be made out of people yet, but who knows?

Meanwhile, caring for humans is expensive and in high demand, as excessive wait times will attest.

If you're disgusted with this, you're no racist. You're human, have a pulase, and haven't given way to socialized non-surgical lobotomy. You can see past the service provider shtick.

Time to stop preying on the weak, or the weak-minded.

But watch out for those who may be seeking to make a name for themselves, or a business. They'll try eating you for lunch.

Facebook philanthropy – time to feel good

On the lighter side, there's a new way to make you feel like you're making a real difference even if you're not. How? By "liking."

Reviewing the following video is sure to make you feel better already, even if you're not on Facebook yet:

Did you catch all those smiles? All those jobs created to manufacture "likes"?

Who knows? If those suffering from midlist blues à la Andy Duncan – or considering suicide instead of treatment at a hospital – got enough likes, the world might be a better place.