A post-birth abortion on my adult fetuses

By Patrice Lewis

I have two daughters, ages 20 and 23. Lately I’ve been feeling moody and feminist, so I think it’s time for a post-birth abortion to show my solidarity for women’s reproductive rights. These young ladies are nothing but adult fetuses anyway, so it’s my right to snip their spinal cords, dismember their bodies and sell their organs to labs. After all, these fetuses came from my body, and “legislators, most of whom are men, shouldn’t be telling a woman what she should and shouldn’t be doing with her body.” Remember, this is solely a decision to be made by “the mother and her provider,” so butt out. Nothing to see here; move along.

Of course, the logistics of post-birth aborting my girls might be a bit complicated. They’re strong fetuses and would probably put up a fight. Maybe it would be better to put them in a room where they’ll be allowed to die “comfortably.”

You might scoff at my desire to eliminate two adult fetuses, but who are you to tell me what to do with my own genetic output? How dare you suggest these fetuses are independent, living human beings with a right to life? You hater. Hater!

Don’t forget, these fetuses are nothing but collections of cells. Sure, those cells created pretty eyes and nice hair. Those cells created good minds and wonderful personalities. Those cells created a lot of things, except souls. God doesn’t exist, therefore souls are a fantasy. My children are soulless globs of cells; that’s all they are. And since I’m the mother, I get to decide whether they live or die.

But wait – you claim my girls are now adults and I can’t kill them? Who says? Why not? At what age does it stop being acceptable to terminate them? At what age do they transition from clusters of unwanted cells to independent persons? What’s the cutoff date? Ten years old? Five years old? One year old? One day old? To borrow Hillary’s famous phrase, what difference does it make when it happens? I’m feeling moody and feminist, and I want to show my solidarity for women’s reproductive rights, so butt out. Hater.

I’m grateful for the support of radical liberal feminists who agree with me that fetuses should live or die at the whim of the mother. I’m grateful for essays such as those found in the Journal of Medical Ethics, which argues that babies don’t have the same moral status as “actual persons,” so “‘after-birth abortions’ (killing a newborn) should be permissible in all cases where abortion is, including cases where the newborn is not disabled.” (OK, my adult fetuses are a bit older than newborns, but I won’t tell if you won’t.) After all, infanticide is just “at one extreme in a spectrum of parental care.” Eliminating older children merely represents the “darker side of maternal love.” And if you argue with my reproductive choices, then you’re just a misogynist and part of the patriarchal oppression. You hater. Hater!

There is certainly no reason for me to feel the slightest bit of guilt or regret about my decision to eliminate these fetuses. After all, abortion is “all part of God’s plan,” and women who support abortion are really “pro-life.” In the immortal and highly logical words of Amelia Bonow, cofounder of #ShoutYourAbortion, “I feel like if I am forced to create life, I have lost the right to my own life. … Abortion is normal.” See? Pro-life. (Mine, that is.)

I’m so happy feminists are now setting the standard for morality in today’s society. No one can argue with my choices. Besides, abortions are no big deal, no worse than a tonsillectomy. And if you try to shove statistics in my face – stuff like surveys of post-abortive women, which found that 28 percent attempted suicide, 31 percent experienced suicidal feelings, 60 percent commented that the decision to abort made their lives worse, and 94 percent regretted the decision to abort – I won’t believe you. I’ll put my fingers in my ears and shout “La la la la la, I can’t heeeeear you!” until you go away. I’ll do the same thing if you try to claim there’s an abortion/breast cancer link. You’re just part of the male patriarchy and trying to oppress me. You hater. Hater!

The wonderful thing is I don’t even have to pay for my post-birth abortions. You, the taxpayer, are being forced to fund these reproductive choices. It’s critical that we feminists continue to pioneer new horizons and chart unknown territory in the fight for women’s reproductive rights! Taxpayer-funded post-birth abortions should be allowed at any age!

I’m supported in my decision to do a post-birth abortion on my adult fetuses by those who find the same joy in abortions as they do in childbirth. Since I’ve already experienced the joy of childbirth, I get to double my joy by aborting my adult fetuses. The joy just keeps spreading! Joy joy joy! Hurray for woman power!

Why do I want to abort my adult fetuses, you may ask? It’s all for “health” reasons, of course. These kids have cost me plenty of strain on my body, my time, my energy and my life. For my mental health, it’s time to get rid of them. I’m pleased to know I’ll never regret this decision. When I’m an old woman, I won’t have to worry about family visits cluttering up my time. I won’t have to worry about grandchildren messing up the house. I won’t have to worry about anyone visiting me in a nursing home and holding my hand when I’m facing the end. Hurray for freedom!

So I’m all set to conduct a post-birth abortion on my kids. As much as I object to the male patriarchy, however, I may have to enlist the assistance of a couple of strong men to hold my girls down while the deed is done, lest they struggle too much or even get away. But that’s OK. There’s enough joy to go around as these abortions are performed. I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t want to share in that joy.

Except, perhaps, my kids. Selfish brats.

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