Editor’s note: The powers that be at WND.com have told Michael Ackley he may submit the occasional column. As Golden State madness has accelerated in this election season, Mr. Ackley has succumbed to the urge to get back in the game. Hence, the items below. Remember that his columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
Howard Bashford was elated.
“The governor, the new governor, my new boss …!” he exclaimed. “Talk about exceeding expectations!”
You must understand that Howard, having worked eight years in Gov. Jerry Brown’s Office of Irrelevant Technology, had, like so many government employees before him, simply slid into a new job with incoming Gov. Gavin Newsom – and with a promotion.
He had been appointed director of the new Office of Creative Taxation, or OCT, and was standing next to a fine walnut desk in his new quarters.
“And you thought we had run out of ways to help the people of California,” he raved. “But when my staff came up with the idea of taxing drinking water, Gov. Newsom showed the courage he promised during the campaign.
“‘Let’s do it!’ he said. ‘Sure we already have the highest taxes in the country, and many people thought we had run out of ideas, but the OCT, my OCT, has shown there are new sources of revenue to be had.'”
I interrupted Howard’s ebullition, “I read about the water tax. Don’t Californians already pay taxes and fees to local agencies for their water? And do you really think it’s a good idea to place a levy on a substance essential to life?”
“Yes, and yes,” he replied, rather scornfully. “The point is, the more money the state has, the more helpful it can be to our citizens. Why, a water tax – ranging from 95 cents to $10 a month – will produce $140 million annually. We can use the new ‘safe and affordable drinking water fund’ to test wells, treat unhealthy water and the like. This will be a boon to disadvantaged communities.”
“But, Howard,” I said, “$140 million isn’t much, compared to a state budget of over $140 billion. Why not just find the money in the general fund?”
“Oh, you lay people have such amusing ideas about the general fund,” he sneered. “If we took $140 million from the general fund, we might have to impoverish a different, essential program, like … like … well, I’m sure I can think of one.
“The point is, the water tax will be a new way to help our citizens by putting their money into a state government program, run by experienced public servants – like me – whose talents otherwise might go to waste.”
I must admit I evinced a particle of doubt.
“I don’t know, Howard,” I said. “It seems to me that taxing water, a substance people literally can’t live without, and a substance they already pay for, is a bit over the top. I mean, what are you going to tax next – air?”
The OCT director looked shocked. He actually staggered, clutching the edge of his desk for support.
“Good God!” he whispered. “How could we have missed this?”
On an entirely different matter:
In a private room of a private club, somewhere near Alexandria, Virginia, Rep. Adam Schiff and Sen. Chuck Schumer sit, glumly pondering the revelations of the special counsel’s “Russia” investigation.
“I thought we had a sure thing,” says Schiff.
“Me too,” says Schumer. “Who knew Bob Mueller really could be honest?”
