A sportswriter got off a good line in his review of a boxing match that he’d found dull enough to put his feet to sleep up to the hips. “If the wife and I had ever put on a show that lousy,” his summary began, “our kids would have booed us!” That is the way I feel about the current upscuddle starring liberal French President Emmanuel Macron and the conservative president of Brazil, Jair (pronounced “Zhye-EER”) Bolsonaro.
A skimpy and totally inadequate analysis of the quarrel is that it involved remarks by the French president that the Brazilian president found outrageous. It all had to do with the fires raging across the Brazilian Amazon, and went downhill from there.
The French president declared that the Amazon fires constitute a global environmental crisis that would exacerbate climate change and so should be addressed by the G7 nations – the U.S., the U.K., Canada, Japan, France, Germany and Italy. The Brazilian president, a climate change skeptic, felt that Macron’s remarks smacked of “colonialism” and that France and the other countries should respect Brazil’s sovereignty and stay out of Brazil’s business.
Bolsonaro demanded an apology from Macron, but then took part in a lowbrow series of remarks unfavorably and unflatteringly comparing Brigette Macron, the first lady of France, to Michelle Bolsonaro, the first lady of Brazil.
A number of international insults have now been exchanged. Brazil’s tourism ambassador even stated that Macron should be pitied because he was “sleeping with a dragon”!
Nevertheless, this writer’s heart was gladdened for being reminded of what is probably the greatest international insult story of all time.
During World War II, little Switzerland, smack in the middle of Nazi German power, did its best to survive as a democracy in the roiling landscape of Nazi aggression. The tension was unbearable. Just prior to an earlier war, World War I, Germany’s kaiser made a state visit to Switzerland and was a guest witnessing Swiss army maneuvers. Afterward the kaiser approached the Swiss general and said, “You have a spunky army of half a million men. But what would you do if I were to attack you with a million men?” “In that case,” said the unflappable and calm Swiss leader, “we would all have to shoot twice.”
The kaiser decided to go through Belgium instead.
Swiss and German border guards kept an eye on each other through gun sights. Anything could explode at any minute during the five years of Switzerland’s uncomfortable position in Europe.
The Swiss and the Germans got on each other’s nerves. The Germans were constantly complaining that Switzerland was regularly violating its neutrality. And the Germans repeatedly made threats such as “Switzerland is a boil on the face of Europe that we can no longer allow to exist.”
The Germans were steamed by an incident the rest of the world treated as a nice little joke. American bombers flying over Switzerland after raiding targets in Germany got a warning from a Swiss anti-aircraft battery on the ground. The Swiss contacted the Americans with the news that their planes were over Swiss territory. “We know,” replied the Americans. The Swiss then warned, “If you don’t withdraw from Swiss air space immediately, we will have to shoot.” The Americans again responded, “We know.”
“This is your final warning before we open fire,” said the Swiss commander, and again the Americans replied, “We know.” After a few minutes, during which time the Americans made no effort to get out of Swiss airspace, the Swiss opened fire. The Americans then radioed the Swiss to inform them that they were firing 8,000 feet too low, and to the entertainment of the whole world – except Germany! – the Swiss replied, “We know!”
One day, the Swiss were astonished to find a German motorcyclist at the border, signaling that he had a gift for the Swiss commander. It was exquisitely wrapped and ribboned. The motorcyclist saluted after handing over the gift package and returned to the German side of the border. When the “gift” was unwrapped, the Swiss were chagrined that it turned out to be a commodity all-too-commonly encountered wherever bulls congregate.
The next day the Germans received an identical (appearing) package from the Swiss.
The Germans grunted at the Swiss lack of originality, but they decided to open the gift from Switzerland anyhow.
To their amazement, the Germans found that the package contained a supply of luscious, creamy, mountain-pure, dairy-fresh Swiss butter.
Along with the gift was a note to the Germans: “What a noble and wonderful tradition you have initiated! Let us continue to send each other the very best products of our lands!”
