Nancy's Excellent Impeachment Adventure

No one knows how Nancy's Excellent Impeachment Adventure will end.

But while much of official Washington is gripped by this unfolding thriller, not everything is a mystery.

Here is a partial list of what we do know so far, what Don Rumsfeld would call the known knowns and known unknowns:

Democrats have ESP

Nancy Pelosi declared "a formal impeachment inquiry" (without a vote) before anyone read the transcript of the president's call with the Ukrainian president and before the complaint from the rogue CIA agent and his #Resistance conspirators was made public.

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This means Pelosi either, a) has ESP or, b) used behind-the-scenes engineering to pull off her spectacular "reveal" like a good stage illusionist. I go with b).

Democrats have a guilty conscience and know the Bidens are guilty

The transcript shows the president suggested Ukrainian investigators assist the U.S. inquiry into the origins of the Russia collusion hoax and "look into" the Bidens.

Democrats and their media fluffers turned "look into" into "dig up dirt on." This reveals the Democrats believe the Bidens are dirty – just looking at them makes you dirty!

We also know the DNC enlisted Ukraine in its efforts to take down Donald Trump in 2016, and this gives them a guilty conscience.

Democratic politicians are immune from investigation and prosecution

One of the lessons to draw from the impeachment spectacle is this sterling piece of legal advice: If you are a criminal or a suspect, running for office against President Trump gives you instant immunity from investigation and prosecution.

If you have a "D" next to your name, you can't be investigated because that would be "interfering with an election."

The FBI has agents in embassies around the world, working with foreign governments every day to bust drug dealers, money launderers and other bad actors.

But according to Democrat logic (also known as pretzel logic), it's an impeachable offense to ask foreign governments to look into corruption if the corrupt players are Democratic politicians – especially if their name is Biden.

Two systems of justice

Is it political or is it criminal? It depends on which side of the aisle you're on.

The president and the attorney general seek to investigate (potentially) illegal acts and improper behavior by officials in the Obama administration, from the Justice Department, FBI and intel agencies to the State Department, the Office of the Vice President and the White House.

The Democrats claim such an investigation amounts to using the instruments of government to interfere with an election – and that's a High Crime that demands impeachment.

Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi declares President Trump cannot, must not, be reelected, then hijacks the legislative branch to help accomplish that goal with a kangaroo court impeachment.

Is that not using the instruments of government to interfere with an election?

We saw this movie before with Hillary. President Trump puts confidential records on a highly secure computer – highly irregular and impeachable! Hillary puts classified records on an unsecure computer in her bathroom – how dare you ask questions!

Two systems of energy, too: Ban fracking in the US, but drill, baby, drill in Ukraine

All the 2020 Democrats including Joe have pledged not to accept money from fossil fuel companies. They say they will ban fracking and all fossil fuels in the U.S.

But just five short years ago, VP Joe handed Ukraine a tidy sum of U.S. foreign aid earmarked to help that country develop – wait for this – its natural gas industry!

"With the right investments and the right choices, Ukraine can reduce its energy dependence and increase its energy security. We will stand with you to help in every way we can for you to accomplish that goal," Biden told the Ukrainian prime minister with another unpronounceable name in April 2014.

A few weeks later, the country's largest gas producer made one of those "right investments and right choices" Joe spoke of and began paying son Hunter $50,000 a month.

Today, Joe offers America a green new deal while Hunter gets serious green and Ukraine gets to drill, baby, drill.

Top 3 unanswered questions

Many important questions remain unanswered.

1. How many Democrats does it take to find Ukraine on a map?

2. Can anyone keep track of the Shokins, Lutsenkos, Zlochevskys, Zelenskys and Yanukovitches without a scorecard?

3. Is Weird Al Yankovitch involved?